*pretends to be Martin Luther King Jr.* I had a dream…I can only remember certain parts of it. But in the dream Alain had left most of his clothes at home and he’s here in Pittsburgh (which is the actual situation right now) and my dad was, for some reason, going to NY and coming right back. I forgot to tell him to pick up Alain’s clothes while he was in NY, but I could just call him on the cell when I got a chance. Then I remember being with Bret, my co-worker from Enterprise, in a room alone. For some reason we were tickling each other and it was sooo much fun. Then afterwards we were leaving the building and walking outside (to our cars maybe?) and he put his arm around my shoulder for a second then quickly pulled it away. Then after that, I remember going to pick up some guns that I had a feeling I had already picked up before in another dream. I believe these guns were bright orange on one side and metallic or wood looking on the other. The safety switches were very large and easy to accidentaly flip so I was always worried that the guns would accidentaly go off in my bag. So, I was in a hurry to get them back to where I got them from. That’s about all I can remember. Gotta love my dreams: they make no sense and are all over the place.
He’s actually here already, but I haven’t seen him. He’s out with Viraj. It’s 3:25 pm and I still haven’t seen him. He’s spent all day with Viraj. He called about two hours ago and said he was on campus, but I just went there and I didn’t see him. So, I don’t know where he’s at now. I can’t believe he’s doing this. I thought he would be in a hurry to see me. What a shitty day this is turning out to be. I have been looking forward to today for so long and here it is and it wasn’t worth it. I wish I never asked him to come to PSMK. I’ve never felt so alone, and I intended to do just the opposite by having him here. Guess I’ll go watch TV now…
Today I heard they moved grandpa up to the ICU from the CCU. This means that the doctors think he’s in better condtion today than he was yesterday.
Yesterday I went with my parents to visit him and to me he looked bad. I could hardly keep myself from crying and mom made me stay in the room and I finally did cry. He was very weak and he kept falling asleep and talking in his sleep. He might have been hallucinating too for all I know. They have him on dopamine for the pain so maybe he was seeing things. He was talking very softly and slowly as if it took a lot of energy to do so. His face was unshaven and I’ve never seen him like that lol. His hands are swollen and yellowish and now have big cuts and bruises on them for some reason. When I came into the room I asked him how he was and he said “not good.” I didn’t know what to say to him most of the visit. He seemed like he was in a lot of pain most of the time and wasn’t paying attention to what we were saying anyway. When we were about to leave my mom told me to hug grandpa and say goodbye to him and I had a lot of mixed emotions about that. I didn’t want mom to force me to do something like that before I was ready to, I didn’t like having so many people watch me do it and I also felt like what if this goodbye was our last? When I stood up to go to the side of the bed I started crying again and I was embarassed because I saw the nurses outside watching me and also because I didn’t know why I was crying. I also felt like grandpa wasn’t thrilled about having me there. I mean he wasn’t opposed to me being there, but I felt like he wasn’t happy to see me. Why would he be though? I have hardly seen him or talked to him in recent years. And especially since I stopped going to church.
So anyway, I finally stopped crying and leaned down to kiss him on the cheak and half-hug him that I loved him. I don’t remember what he said or if he said anything in response. Then I started walking out the door and he said “bye.” I can’t remember if I had already said bye to him before then or not…
As selfish as this sounds, I hope he still likes me and loves me. I hope he doesn’t have any anger towards me because I don’t go to his church anymore.
When I got home, things didn’t seem to be any better. I wanted to tell all this stuff to Alain, but he doesn’t seem to invite it. I like to be asked questions and asked to expand upon things. He does that sometimes, don’t get me wrong, but not as much as I’d like. But eventually we got into a fight about the half.com book he didn’t send out yet and he left to go to sleep and I couldn’t call him for another hour or so because my parents were on the phone. I got really upset about everything while taking a bath. I had many mixed feelings about my grandpa’s situation and about my relationship with Alain. I was worried that we realy aren’t right for each other and how hard it would be for us to break up. And also how jealous I would be when I would see him with other people after the break up, because he would be happier sooner than I would. I think he would be able to get over me quicker than I could get over him is what I mean. I just wish things were perfect between us again.
Grandpa had a heart attack a few days ago at home. Dad found him in his bead sweating and immobile. He called an ambulance and grandpa was in the hospital about a day or two. Today they transferred him to the Shadyside hospital where he would receive an angioplasty. Dad left to go with him about 10:30 in the morning and while they were in the ambulance going to the other hospital grandpa had another heart attack. While they were performing the angioplasty, grandpa’s heart stopped so they had to do emergency bypass surgery. I believe they’re still doing that right now. Dad’s been at the hospital since 10:30am and mom says he won’t be home anytime soon. I know grandpa will be ok after this though. I know many people are praying for him (including me).
Dad’s unemployment runs out soon. I think in a week or so. He applied to Enterprise online, but didn’t get the job. Mom thinks its because he failed the personality test and she thinks he should get a book to tell you how to take them. But it really is a PERSONALITY test. There are no books to tell you how to take those kinds of tests. Although I’m mad that dad doesn’t have a job and we’re almost out of unemployment money, I am beginning to understand why he spends so much time with grandpa. Grandpa is at the stage where he needs constant care, he just doesn’t have the money for it and is too proud to put himself into a nursing home.
Yesterday at work, I was driving out of the carwash after washing a car and that kid that supposedly wanted to go on a date with me gave me a huge grin. I don’t know if the grin was meant for me or if he was laughing at something one of his friends said. At this point, I’m not even sure if his name really is “Scott.” Come to think of it, I’ve never heard anyone use the name “Scott” while at the carwash. I’ve heard a lot of names, but never “Scott.” Actually, I haven’t heard many names..whatever. I don’t know. I don’t trust any of them and I get so nervous when I have to wash a car up there.
Tomorrow I have to work with a new guy – Devlin (or maybe it’s Develin or Devilin). Bret is going back to 01 for a while and Devlin is replacing him temporarily. That’s perfectly ok with me. I might even like Devlin more than Bret. Maybe he’ll be more talkative. Or maybe he’ll be too talkative and keep me from my studies. Nah, probably wont happen. Joe was really talkative, but I still got stuff done.
Alain had his last day of work this past Sunday and he’s taking the rest of the month off. He’ll be coming over in about two weeks I just hope I can get all my work done before he comes over. I want a week of relaxation with Alums.
Today I went to the doctor’s office at 8:30am to tell the doc about my ear infection, plantar’s warts and eye floaters. She gave me a perscription to some ear drops that I think I already have, but are just two years old. She told me to keep using the Dr. Scholl’s wart remover bandages and all the warts will probably go away. If they don’t I could get them frozen off. She also referred me to another eye doctor that works across the street. She says he’ll give me a full eye exam and will be able to tell what the floaters are and if there’s anything I can do about them. After the doc appt, I went to Walmart, post office and then to school to pick up some movie tickets because I took summer classes. I saw my old comp sci teacher Ms. Cooper. I think I can get a referral from her for the Schreyer’s Honors College later on this year. After all this, I just spent most of the day at home receiving many many calls.
I’m pretty awesome for thinking up the heading to this entry lol 😉
The day before yesterday, Thursday, I was at work as usual. It was only a 4 hour day. I was driving a black Cavalier up to the carwash to wash it, but there was someone already in there. There was also a big truck parked where I usually wait in line, so I was kind of pressed for space to wait for this person to get out of the carwash. I backed up and tryed to sort of parallel park, but with no markers, sidewalk or anything. I probably did a bad job, but that’s neither here nor there Anyway, while I’m waiting, playing with the radio, trying to ignore all the stares from the boys that work at the carwash building, one of the guys with classes and reddish blonde hair comes up to the window and motions for me to roll it down. I do so thinking “ah shit, I’m going to have to move my car somewhere cuz I’m in someone’s way.” He squats on the ground to be eye level with me and I’m like “yeah?” He first asks “Do you have a boyfriend?” I reply with a “yeah…” He’s like “well, ok then. Nevermind I guess.” I was about to say “ok” or something but he goes into an explaination of why he’s talking to me. He points to the tall, tan, good-looking guy waxing a car behind him and says “see that guy? that’s scott. scotty.” “He wants to go on a date with you. Like dinner and a movie Friday at 8.” Then he asks something like “but you have a boyfriend eh?” Which I then reply with a “yeah” and he’s like “well ok then” and gets up to go. At some point during this brief dialogue, another kid that works at the carwash that always wears baseball caps sideways and looks a lot like the drummer from Blink 182 came over to listen in. He only came over for the last part though. I’m not sure if this whole thing was a joke or a bet or something at my expense, but no one was laughing ever and it seemed very serious so I don’t know. But now things are weird. Like when I used to drive past the carwashing guys to get to the carwash, they would look at me, stare almost. But now no one even glances. Maybe I’m crazy though. Oh well, its no big loss.
When I got the invitation to join the Outstanding Student Honor Society I was so excited! I told my parents and they were so proud of me. My dad almost cried when he first saw it. Now, after doing a few minutes of research on it online, I discover that it’s a scam and people with bad grades are getting that email too.
To make matters even worse, a few days ago I get invited to the Commonwealth College Honors Program at my local campus and I freak out because I know this is a really nice thing. But, after talking to the program coordinator and about the required presentations, I don’t want to go through with it. I’m not scared of the extra work, but I’m scared of the presentations. But the only good thing is, not joining this Honor Program won’t keep me from getting into Schreyer’s Honors College. All I need is to raise my GPA to a 3.7 over the course of the next year and maybe do more volunteering in different areas. I’m sure an internship in my field wouldn’t hurt either. Things really suck at my campus though. There’s no interesting activities (besides the Commonwealth Honors Program activities!!) and the computer and ski clubs aren’t functioning.
Gee, how long has it been since I wrote in here?? I dunno.. probably not as long as I think lol. Lets see here… Bret’s grandmother died so he wont be back till Tuesday at least. Matt and I planned to meet today, but I again blew him off. So him and I won’t be talking much again. He didn’t even say goodbye. Alain thinks its because he wanted to be more than friends but I made it clear I didn’t want that and he’s mad. I honestly don’t know anymore. I don’t really care except that he was the person I vented to most.