I HATE MYSELF!! WHY DO I NEVER HAVE FRIENDS?! Why haven’t I met someone like me who I can really talk to? Someone who really really likes me and wants to be with me constantly?? If I found that person, I’d want to be around them constantly too. I wish I was someone else. Someone with confidence. Someone with a life who was able to LIVE their life. I feel like I’ve locked myself in a box and the key is within my reach but I’m too scared to reach out and take it to free myself.


Hello again old friend. It’s been a month or so since I last wrote in here, huh? It doesn’t seem that long, and yet it does…

For the past few weeks I’ve been getting these depressed feelings. Nothing causes them and sometimes they happen at really odd times. Like right now, as I’m writing this, I’m having the feelings. I can’t think of a single thing that could make me feel sad. I had a good day today. I spent the day with Alain. We went to see Better Luck Tomorrow (Asian-American film – good stuff!). I really enjoyed the film…

Hmm.. I guess now that I think of it, I can come up with a few things that are upsetting me. 1) I’m spending the rest of my Saturday evening alone. Not even a friend to talk to online. 2) Alain won’t be able to hang out with me much tomorrow – he has two parties to go to. I guess I’m sad that I never get invited to parties. 3) I think there’s something wrong with me – I don’t like being around people a lot of the time. Yet when I’m alone I feel really lonely. Maybe it’s because I want people to make the first move towards me so I nkow that they’re interested in getting to know me and since hardly anyone has taken that first step towards me after a full year of college I feel pretty shitty?? I dunno. I just wish I was like every other kid. Normal social abilities. Just normal in that aspect.

I should stop living in the movies. Or at least expecting my life to come out happy at the end. It’s never like that in real life. That’s hard to accept though.. I like to keep my hopes up. Now that I think about it.. hope is all I really have. That’s what keeps me from giving up on life and myself. I always hope that things will be better later on, that I’ll only have to put up with this/feel this way/do this for a short while and it’ll all be better later. I’m not so sure about that anymore. I think life is going to be much worse that I had earlier anticipated. I’m not prepared for “real life” in any way and I don’t look forward to it. I’ve had enough of “fake life” hehe..

Things must be really bad when I can’t even explain to myself how I’m feeling! I can’t even explain this!! This is so frustrating! I want to cry.. I feel so sorry for myself and I don’t know why.

Oh, I lost about 10-15 lbs since spring break. I’m glad. I think I lost some of the fat in my thighs. I’ve always been thin on top, but I want to lose weight in my thighs. I’ve been walking in Renzi Park every few days for about two weeks. This past week, I only did it once though. :( I have to get back to doing that. I should jog or run too. I just need one of those little mp3 players to clip onto my shorts to keep me entertained. The main reason I don’t exercise is because it’s B-O-R-I-N-G!!

Well, maybe I’ll write in here tomorrow again. I’ll probably have a lot of spare time. I HOPE that I won’t though 😉