Death

Today, after going to the Century III Alain and I came to my house and we watched some “Faces of Death” videos. He wanted me to see the video where they cut a guy’s head off while he’s still alive. He said he wanted to try it (cutting someone’s head off) to see how their faces look and if their eyes roll up into their heads. He joked about doing it to me. I knew he wasn’t serious (though he never apologized for it which I will have to bring up to him later) but it got me to think about myself dying and him dying. What upset me most was the thought of him dying. When it comes down to it, he really is a one-of-a-kind guy. Not many guys are willing to talk so much about their feelings. It would be hard to find a guy who is actually as interested in me as Alain. He can be very sensitive too. I know that when he dies it’s going to be absolutely devistating for me. I’ve been crying on and off for hours and he’s just fine. Just the THOUGHT of living without him is terrifying. And the knowledge that ultimately I will spend most of eternity without him is even worse. Even if I was absolutely sure that there was a heaven and hell, I don’t think I could make Alain believe the same thing. Even if I was in heaven I don’t think I could be happy without Alain there. I don’t even understand what’s so great about heaven. Streets of gold, gates of pearl…what about your loved ones that don’t make it to heaven? Are they just erased from your mind forever? I don’t want to ever forget Alain..how would that be possible??

Yesterday

Yesterday was the day Alain and I decided to celebrate Valentine’s Day. He also reformatted my computer and installed Windows XP on it. We went to the American Cafe in the mall after he fixed my computer. It was fun :) And the spaghetti was really good. It was pretty cheap too. For both of us it was only around $18.

While I was waiting for Alain to finish my computer, I was at home doing my homework. Alain called me a few times on the phone to ask questions and just to chat. While I was on the phone with him, I heard footsteps in the house and what sounded like the basement door opening then closing very quietly. I also heard footsteps that sounded really close to my bedroom door. I was SO scared. I was actually shaking and breathing hard. My bedroom door was unlocked and I was on my bed. I didn’t know what to do. Alain called the police lol. Finally I got the courage to move off of my bed to check out the window to see if it was my parents walking around. The car was hidden by the bushes, but it was silver like my dad’s rental car. So I got a little more courage from that and I opened the door to my room and called upstairs and it WAS my parents. I felt sooooooo stupid! Alain had the police on the other line too hahah *blushes*

Awwww :'(

Alain finally did come over around 11pm. He said he wanted to come over right after he took Viraj to greyhound, but he forgot something so he went home. Then at some point he realized that he felt too embarassed to give me the gifts he got for me. I was shocked. Then he said he went to sleep for 50 mins and he had a dream about buying me all kinds of things for Valentine’s Day. :):):) I couldn’t believe that he was seriuosly so upset about his gifts. He cried more than I ever remember seeing him cry. Longer too. It was so sweet. I feel bad for being mad at him in the first place :(

Happy Valentines Day

Another holiday spent alone. I used to think having a boyfriend meant that you would never feel lonely again. I think it actually makes me feel more alone.

Two years ago this week Alain and I met for the first time. On the morning that his bus was supposed to arrive, I got a surprise package in the mail. It was a few gifts from him. It was Iger the stuffed animal that I always sleep with now and like a rotating light that makes pictures appear on the walls. I was so surprised and even though that was just about the most money anyone other than my parents have spent on me, it didn’t really take away from the nervousness I was feeling about going to pick him up soon. We were different back then. Both of us. I wish we hadn’t changed. Except the clothes we wore..yuck..

I’m so disappointed :( Alain was supposed to come over and were were supposed to exchange gifts today, then go out to dinner tomorrow. But he won’t come over because he doesn’t feel like driving, yet he’s planning on going out with his friends to a bar tonight. :'( Why does this always happen on holidays??

Can’t Think of a Decent Title

I got my first math (math 26) test back today that I took on Friday. I got a 93% which I’m very happy about. I know I’m going to get an A in both maths. We also took a quiz in math 22. I know I did well on that one except that I stupidly subtracted a number instead of added it in the middle of a problem. I don’t know how many points she’ll take off for that one, since it makes my final answer wrong.

Steve was a little nicer to me today, but I still don’t like him much anymore. I think he must have told Katie about me and she said some negative things about me. He was back to normal today though.

Dad Wrecked the Car

Well dad wrecked my mom’s car today. Totalled it. I’m going to the lot to see it tomorrow so I’ll let you know how bad it is. Dad said that the front end is crushed all the way up to the windsheild. I think it was a truck that hit him. It was near the church at an intersection. The truck ran the redlight and dad plowed into him.

Other than that my day was pretty uneventful :) Like most of my days…*self pity*

I thought the computer show was today so I was going to go with Alain or SOMEONE, but my dad said it wasn’t at the ExpoMart, it was downtown at the COnvention Center or something. I don’t even know where the Convention Center is, so I wasn’t going to bother going to that one. The one at the Expomart is in about two weeks, so I’ll just have to wait till then.

Tian emailed me about going to see a movie, but by the time I got it she was already out. I guess that’ll have to wait till next weekend.

I was supposed to go out with Jill yesterday, but she sucks to hang out with and I blew her off and hung out with Alain. We had a good time though 😉

Oh yeah, I bought Alain’s V-Day gifts today. I got lots of little goodies. I can’t wait till next weekend!!! I just dont know what the fuck I’m going to get him for his birthday…

A Lot of Things

Well, let’s see here. I don’t know where to start. I guess I’ll start with…

A few weeks ago I applied to the Pitt (again). I got my fee waived somehow, but yesterday I got my rejection letter (again). So, I’m stuck at Penn State, at least until next year. I wouldn’t mind Penn State AT ALL if I wasn’t required to take a speech class. I’m trying to take it online, but as I read the requirements for the class again, it gets worse. There are three 1-hour group phone conversations required, three group presentations and a final presentation that can be video taped or audio taped. It wouldn’t be bad at all if it was just me doing speeches alone, but group work really sucks. I don’t understand how it’s going to be done over the phone either. If you have more than one person of the same sex in a group, it’s hard to tell the voices apart. How can you tell one guy’s voice from the next guy’s voice? Since the beginning of last week I’ve been e-mailing people from the World Campus to get more information about the conference calls, but I haven’t got many informative responses.

Next on the list is James coming to town for spring break. Yeah James. Him again. I’m never going to be rid of him. He’s coming here to tape a three day festival of hardcore shows I think. It’s at Club Laga…I think.. I don’t know why him coming bothers me. I think I’m jealous that he’ll be with Alain for all that time and I can’t be there. I guess it’s also because after what Alain told him about me I feel really stupid. Alain told him that I though that he liked me, but that wasn’t true, but I know whatever I could say to James wouldn’t make him disbelieve what Alain said. He would believe Alain over me even if Alain was wrong. I really hope he can’t come. If I can’t be there and be friends with him then I don’t want him here at all.

Today I met Becky and her friend in Oakland. It was pretty fun until we got to Telaropa and I cut myself somehow in the dressing room. I was trying on this black peasant shirt and a long black flowing skirt and I noticed that my finger had a big drop of blood on it. I grabbed my snot-filled tissue out of my jacket pocket and wiped the blood away, but it just kept bleeding…and bleeding. It didn’t stop for like 2+ hours. I tried on the clothes with the tissue on my finger. I’m so glad I didn’t get blood on anything… After I was done trying on the clothes, I had to ask the sales lady for more tissues or a bandaide or something. Everyone at the store was staring at me and my bloody tissue. She gave me about 6 tissues which I held on my finger until she got some guy to give me some bandaides and neosporin. The guy was like “you’re not going to pass out or anything are you? You ok?” For once, I actually didn’t feel like passing out. It was so odd. Every time I actually did pass out, no one asked me something like that. But this ONE time when I didn’t feel lightheaded, I was asked. I didn’t feel dizzy or anything until I was driving home.. I got pretty scared because it was rush hour traffic and I didn’t know if I should try to pull over off the road or just concentrate more on driving and not think about it. But I made it home safe and sound :)

That kid, Steve, in my math classes is friends with Katie P. and Renee M. from my neighborhood and school and stuff. I was less than thrilled when he told me that. He asked me where I lived and I told him and he said he knew where it was and asked me if I knew Katie P. He didn’t know her last name right off the bat, but when I said it he agreed that it was her. Urgh, why couldn’t he be friends with Becky or ANYONE else but her and her buddy Renee. He also invited me to hang out with them at the dorms sometime and I said “no, I don’t think I’d be comfortable with that.” He mumbled something about “just do it and get used to it” or something like that. If he goes out with one of those girls I don’t know what I’ll do.. I don’t think I’d look at him the same again. I’d think so much less of him. Blech..

I’ve Had Enough of This

A day or two ago Alain said he would come over to my house Saturday and spend all day with me. Now here it is 4pm on Saturday and he’s still not here. You know where he’s at? At Wal-mart with his roommate exchanging a rug illegally. And when he told me this and I got a upset guess who’s fault it was? Mine. Yeah. I mean what’s wrong with me?? Getting upset for no reason. It’s not like he’s ever done this before. Ha! I’ve realy had enough. He’s going to get another week of the silent treatment and I’m going back onto my independence plan. He gives me so many reasons to not like him and so few reasons to like him. I don’t understand him at all anymore. When he’s with me he’s all over me and he doesn’t want to leave me, but when I talk to him online he can come up with a million reasons not to come over and see me. I’m so mad right now I don’t even know what to do!