Happy New Year…yeah right

Happy new year…I’m going to be spending this one alone in my room. Matt invited me to go to a show with him, but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. Alain won’t get home until 1am. So I’m on my own till then. His family is having a party though, so he probably won’t want to talk to me much. He’ll want to get drunk.

Suicide

Yesterday, or maybe it was the day before yesterday… Jill IM’ed me and told me that a girl I went to high school with committed suicide. Her name was Shelley Oravik. I didn’t know her personally, but some of my friends were really close to her. She was Kristin’s best friend. Kris told me that she did it in front of a mirror, like maybe it was an accident and she just wanted to see how she looked. Like maybe it was just intended to be a cry for help.

I think I got a virus on my computer. Applications are running really slow. I tried restoring it, but it didn’t work. Maybe I’ll have to restore it to an even earlier date.

For the past few days, my internet buddy Matt and I have been informally planning on getting together just to watch movies or something like that. Just something to pass the time because it seems like either our friends are ditching us, or we have no friends at all. I brought this idea up to my mom and she was ok with it, but she said I should ask Alain. I guess I knew what Alain’s answer would be before I asked, but I asked anyway. But this time, instead of the normal response, he said some different things. He accused me of trying to play games with him and make him jealous. He said it didn’t make him jealous, just mad at me. Then he said if I ever met that kid he’d make my life hell and he’d rip Matt’s balls off and mail them to him or something like that. He’s never said anything like that to me before. I used to truly believe he loved me, but him saying something like that just scares me and makes me wonder if he really does love me. Someone that loves you would never intentionally try to make you life hell. Like at one point in my life I thought I loved Bobby, but even now, I don’t try to make his life hell. I still talk to him even. I can’t say I’m the nicest person in the world to him, but I do still talk to him. I don’t know what I’d do without Alain. That’s the scariest thing… It’s so scary because there’s no one to catch me. There’s no one to rely on besides him. And he’s not listening to my pleas for help. Maybe he is, but he just doesn’t care. Either way it’s not helping me. I wish I knew what would help me.

Dammit I wish I could make friends fast. I’d fucking throw it in Alain’s face like he does with me. I’d compare the amount of friends I have to the amount that he has and make him feel like shit everyday. Then I’d tell him everything wrong or negative about him and tell him that’s the reason why no one likes him and he doesn’t have as many friends as I do.

I wish somebody would listen to me and care and not judge me and think I’m wrong. I wish someone would help me to fix myself. I wish I could find that someone without losing what I have now. I feel like I’m in a box sometimes. Like when I find someone that I think will listen to me Alain won’t allow it… or I myself won’t allow it because I’m too afraid.

I’m scared of death and I don’t want to die, but fuck… I don’t want to be me either. This is torture. Everyday I see what I want, and I see everyone else with what I want, but I can’t get it for myself. And my own boyfriend points out my faults as if that will fix everything. He tells me “oh do this” “do that” like it’s going to be done the next day with no problems. Well sure, if it was him it would be no problem. But it’s me and it’s a huge problem and a major obstacle to overcome.

I don’t think I can find in a man the kind of compassion I’m searching for in a person. And I don’t want a woman. I guess that leaves me with no one.

Finals & A Dream

Well, yesterday was the last day of finals for me. My CSE final only had four questions on it. All of them I think I got, but I’m not too sure about the last one. I missed the class period when he talked about the “seed” so I’m still not too clear on it. But, the function does what it’s supposed to do, I just don’t know about how “efficient” it is.

Alain left for NY yesterday :( He’s home already though. He called me about 45 minutes ago. I was still sleeping and, in fact, dreaming a strange dream.

I dreamt that I had smoked weed in my big winter coat and when I put the coat on, my dad smelled it on me. And he started smacking me and I didn’t know why. But it really irritated me so I smacked him and I pinched a bit of his cheek between my fingers and pulled. I pulled so hard that I ripped the skin off his face. It felt just like ripping a sponge in two… strange. Then after that I somehow almost knocked him out. He crumpled to the floor and I got scared. I went to hold his head and ask if he was alright. He was ok and eventually stood up and continued to yell at me. Then some stuff happens that I can’t remember… Then I hear people talking about a celebrity that got stuck up on a phone wire. And I guess I’m visualizing what that would be like hanging from a phone wire. So I’m up there on a wire beside my house above the weeds looking down and wondering how I’m going to get back to the ground. And at some point I see the actual celebrity standing next to my house talking about her experience on the phone wire like I wasn’t even up there.

Christmas Gifts and a Christmas Fight

Today was okay. Alain came over twice and work was pretty busy. My job really isn’t that bad if there’s actually a lot to do. I like to be really really busy, or else I get bored.

I reread the James email. It really upset me (again). I think I missed something those first few times I read it. When he said he changed his mind about “that,” he was really just talking about looks in general…not mine. I don’t know why I thought that he was talking about my looks in the first place. It seems so obvious now. I don’t know why that stupid email still makes me so upset. Sometimes I feel really cute and sexy around Alain, then I think about James or read that email and I feel like garbage.

Alain and I exchanged gifts today. I bought him a new GeForce 4 video card or whatever the hell it was lol and some cologne. He liked them (I hope). He bought me a Gap shirt, Victoria’s Secret Body perfume (smells awesome) and new car seat covers. And get this: he offered at least twice to buy me something else! How sweet was that?? :) When he opened the video card he got really upset and cried because it was kind of expensive and he thought he didn’t buy me enough. Which was really cute and sweet, but totaling up all his gifts to me, they were probably the same amount that I spent on him.

I got into a little fight with my dad today. It seems that the older I grow, the further he and I grow. He just gets on my nerves constantly, for no reason. But anyway, what happened today was he was in my room (he decides to come in and finish stuff in my room at random times, never asks if it’s ok with me or anything) and he saw my cable cord stretched across the room. So uses that tone of voice that mom and I hate and moves my bookshelf so the cable wire can go behind it. Then asked if “that was so hard?” So I replied “ok asshole.” And he does his very predicable “whaaat?” And I said something like “why do you always have to be a smart ass?” etc etc. He got mad and threw my nightshirt at me lol. I threw it back at him and he left the door and told me not to speak to him for the rest of the day. I didn’t say anything, but he left a big bucket in the middle of my room so I threw it out and shut the door and he threw it back in and slammed the door so I threw it back out and slammed the door. Sometimes he’s more immature than I am. He’s the only one that pushes me or tries to do physical harm. He throws stuff and has a little tantrum. And then there’s the always immature “don’t speak to me for the rest of the day.” Heh ok dad, not like I talk to you anyway.

What I’m Doing Today

I have two finals today.. I hope I do well on them. I was studying all day yesterday (Sunday), but I didn’t study Saturday because Alain came over. We hung out for a few hours on Saturday and I gave up studying time to be with him, but he won’t do the same for me.

I have to go get ready. Write more later I guess.

Oh yeah, obviously Alain and I got back together… If we didn’t I’d be in much worse shape :)

Later

Well all done with two of my finals. I think I got around an 85% on my math final and around a 90% on my STS 200 final. After I left school I did some Christmas shopping for my boyfriend. I feel a little better now; not so mad at him.

I Hate My Life

My life is over. I broke up with Alain today. I was just trying to make him care about me.. and he let me. And he doesn’t want to get back with me. I can’t believe this.. I regret today. I regret my life. I regret the day I was born. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???????? I need him so much. Oh my god. my life is over