I’m tired.. Alain’s back home in NY for the Thanksgiving weekend. I miss him.. I have no one to hang out with now. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Boooooring… First I have to get up early to go to church, then we’ll come back home with my aunt and uncle and grandfather to have some turkey, etc. Then later on we’ll go to David and Stacie’s for more food. Glutton holiday.. I’m kind of bored.. I guess I’ll go read or something.
I don’t even want to talk about today. I’m such an idiot. I can’t even bring myself to talk about what happened. Maybe I’ll do it later on sometime. I just want to flush today from my memory forever.
Reading this book (Architects of the Web) is really not at all inspiring. I hope Mr. Hauser didn’t intend for it to be. Reading about all these over-achievers doing 3 times what I’m doing now and doing much better at it than I can is really depressing. I don’t even know what I’m working for. I don’t know what I want to do and I have no idea how I’m going to get there. I’m not good at anything. You can’t do anything great if you’re not good at anything..
Was talking to Gavin today (AbstainESvstain). He almost told me why he blocked me six months ago, but it makes no sense to me. I’m sure it has something to do with religion and how I was acting. Apparently I wasn’t acting in accordance to the religion I was taught. I don’t know. I hope to find out soon. It’s not that I really care, but he makes it so dramatic, its hard to not want to know.
I haven’t written in here for a long time. I’ve been so swamped by school and everything that I just haven’t had time to. Although it sucks not having any time for myself to do everything that I’d like to be doing, it does feel pretty damn good to be so busy.
Well, a few days ago I checked out James’ site and saw a VERY humorous picture of him. It was probably taken in his dorm bathroom or something and it is probably pretty recent. The picture is…well…bad. It has made me pretty much stop liking him, because really all I liked him for was his looks anyway. He has changed since the last time I saw him, which is to be expected. He changed for the worse in my opinion. I’m glad to have James almost completely out of my mind. I do think about him sometimes, but not at all in the same ways. Now I just think: “Wow… I can’t believe I wasted all that time liking him for nothing…It feels so weird not liking him…” I feel like I should be longing for someone. For many years I’ve grown accustomed to constantly longing for one boy or the other and now that I’m not, it has left me with a sort of empty space. I guess I’m going to just have to concentrate on school work and my future to get my mind off of this.
I don’t think I will have a problem
Today started off rough, but it turned out good. I woke up very late this morning and missed CSE 103. And coincidentally we had a pop quiz today on the very material that I spend hours studying. We were quizzed on the maxArray, minArray, aveArray, etc type code. I emailed my teacher about it, but no response yet. I doubt anything can be done about it. I hope it doesn’t bring my grade down too much. I’m borderline between a B+ and a B. I was really hoping for an A, but it’s looking less hopeful. Maybe, just maybe, I can pull it off somehow.
The day turned out well because Carrie called me unexpectedly and asked me to go hang out with her. So I did and I got to run some errands while I was at it. I needed to pick up some dark t-shirt iron on transfers and note cards from K-mart. Then I had to get an ink cartridge for my printer at OfficeMax. While at OfficeMax, we couldn’t find the ink so we had to ask this black kid that was playing on the computer. We weren’t even sure if he worked there or not, but I asked him anyway. He smiled, looked around, mumbled to himself and then pointed to the floor in front of him and said “they’re right here.” I’m not sure what that was supposed to mean, but we just laughed it off. I don’t think Carrie thought much of it because she didn’t mention it afterwards and she didn’t say anything when I mentioned it. There was also a really hot cashier who I caught eyeing me up. That made me feel pretty good
Thinking a little (a lot) about James today. I daydreamed about begging him to tell me why he doesn’t like me and all of his possible responses. It got a little overwhelming and I started crying for a few seconds. This really sucks.
I stayed home from work today. I woke up too late so I just didn’t go in. They didn’t call here so.. I dunno what’s going to happen. I hope they don’t say anything about it on Tuesday. If they don’t decide to fire me then I’m going to change the hours that I work.
I guess in general, I’m just a sad and unsatisfied person. My own personality keeps me from having friends. Not having any friends makes me feel lonely and worthless. Feeling lonely and worthless makes it even harder to make friends… it’s a never ending cycle. I wish someone knew how I felt and actually cared. Alain slept over last night. Even though he snored all night, it was better than being alone in the house. Oh yeah, my parents are away in New York seeing the Rockettes. I wanted to go, but mom said I didn’t give her an answer in time, so she asked dad to go. So I’m alone for the weekend. I have to work tomorrow. I’m dreading that. I really fucking wish I had some kind of talent or way of making money that I actually like instead of working at Goodwill. That place is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring!!!! I wish I didn’t have to go. I wish I wish. FUCK I hate my life. I wish James liked me. I wish SOMEONE liked me. I read in the book Sultana’s Daughters that people who rarely come in contact in a normal, social setting with members of the opposite sex are prone to fall in love with someone at first site. I think that is how I am. The only men I talk to are Alain, my dad, Lu rarely, and Robby maybe once a week. I talk to guys online, but I don’t think that counts. I don’t know why male approval is so important.. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could get some fucking confidence and get over myself. I wish I could get a fucking personality. I wish I was worthwhile. I wish James liked me so much. I don’t even know what I would do if he did, but it just feels like if he liked me I could be happy all the time. Not just when Alain or my friends are around. When I think of James I really don’t think about kissing him or having sex with him. I just think of him saying something like “Jen.. I really do like you. I was lying a few months ago when I said I didn’t.” And then I stop myself from thinking that.. Sometimes I think of a day far in the future. I would somehow find James in New York City. Maybe we were just passing by and I would recognize him. We would say hello and it wouldn’t be uncomfortable. He would be happy to see me, and I him. We would agree to meet up again for coffee. At the coffee house we would make small talk about what we’ve been doing since the last time we spoke. We would become silent for a while and I would realize that he was staring at me. I would stare back and the moment would be anything but uncomfortable. He would admit that the only reason he told me he didn’t like me was to protect his friendship with Alain. He would admit that he still has feelings for me, and now that he’s seen me again, the feelings are 10 times stronger. I would stare at him disbelieving my ears. Then I force myself to stop thinking about that. I don’t know why I torture myself like this.
Sometimes I don’t see much value in human company. Yet the most significant times of my life were when I was with people I like and love. Songs, if they stir memories at all, stir memories of the few times I was with Alain and James. It’s a strange feeling. It’s not really happiness, nor is it sadness. But it’s definitely a feeling. It feels sort of like those times in my life were very significant for some reason. What reason, I don’t know.. Sometimes I smile at the thoughts.. Sometimes I cry. How can just a few memories bring so many different emotions? I feel like I ruined my life in so many different ways for so many different reasons. If I just hadn’t said anything about James that seemed out of the ordinary to Alain then I would’ve been spared a lot of trauma. If I had somehow made myself more attractive, or maybe been more friendly to James he would’ve liked me and I’d be happy. If I had let my shyness overcome me and refuse to meet James in the first place.. well I don’t know what difference that would’ve made. I guess my life would have less meaning. I wouldn’t have the memories I have today. I wouldn’t have many memories at all. Yet I still have hope for the future. The hope that someday I will see him again and talk to him again. Just being able to see him when I want to is enough. I don’t have to love him. He doesn’t have to love me. I just need to see him.
Off to bed now…Alone.