Had a sad dream last night. I dreamt that someone murdered my aunt, uncle, and cousins. Throughout the dream I kept trying to tell myself it was only a dream, but then I would be able to prove to myself that they really were dead. I was really upset because I had a chance to be with them the day before they were killed and I didn’t so I never got the chance to say goodbye. After their deaths my family and a bunch of other people were in their house and I can’t remember what I was doing, but it pissed my mom off and she took me outside and yelled at me. Even in my dreams I’m treated like a 7 year old.
Last night I dreamt that grandma died. In my dream, grandpa had just got out of the hospital (I don’t know why he was in there) and was over my house. We were feeding him and he just sat on our couch kind of quiet. Not crying, just quiet. At one point, I couldn’t stand it anymore and I ran to him and hugged him and cried. Later on in the dream I asked him to talk about grandma. Then all these romantic scenes played in my mind of two people in love, not necessarily my grandparents. I saw a man and a woman making love in a shower. I can’t remember anything else though.
Oh shit I just remembered that tonight was Friday the 13th. Poo..
Oh well, I’m tired, but I just wanted to write this. Rebecca called me tonight around 10:30 to chat. We talked for almost three hours. I’m really glad she did. It made me realize that my views of her throughout high school were really shallow and narrow minded. She’s actually a very interesting and genuinely good person. I’m glad she’s my friend and I hope to stay her friend for the rest of my life. Wow, friends since birth. Friends till death. That’s pretty rare.
I think fall is finally coming. It started getting cool yesterday on 9-11 and hopefully it’s here to stay.
I had a dream last night that I was in a dorm, possibly just visiting but maybe living, and all the guys there liked me or seemed to like me. All of them wanted to talk to me and they were all so nice and flirtatious. At one point during the dream I was walking with some guy who I didn’t find particularly attractive and he put his arm around my waist. We walked up to a counter and while we were waiting for service he asked me to go out with him. I told him no, but I can’t remember what my reason was for saying no. He then seemed to lose interest with me and go out with other girls. Later on in the dream I guess I start to want him to like me again, not because he’s any more attractive than before, but because I got jealous that he liked someone else. I remember walking past maybe one or two girls and they say something about how I want him now that I can’t have him.
I’m glad that I’m finally starting to remember my dreams now. They’re interesting.
Today was a pretty normal day. Had gym, but as always I went early, worked out, then went to the computer lab. I spent about an hour on the computers signing up for Yahoo eGroups. One kid from my English class came in and sat a seat away from me. It was pretty funny because he started talking to himself..or maybe he was talking to the computer. Who knows? He would say stuff like “you faggot” and laugh and snicker to himself. After my seminar class I met Alain at the library and we went to Goodwill so I could return a few items. The girl there noticed that I got 20% off my items and we started talking. She told me to say hi to Andy for her, but I won’t. I don’t particularly like Andy. After that we went back to campus, Alain got his car and then we came to my house. We hung out here while Alain fixed his friend’s laptop. About 7:45 we went to pick up Alain’s friend Alpha and we went to Best Buy. Alpha is a real nice kid. He’s Jamaican or something like that. He wanted to return his computer speakers that he blew, but they didn’t have any in stock tonight. We’re going to try again tomorrow.
Whoa, creepy. It’s 9/11.
Anyway, I had a dream last night that I want to document. I dreamt I was sort of living with James and Alain. Our situations were still the same (I was Alain’s gf and James knew I liked him and turned me down), but we seemed to be in high school. I would try to ignore James and he never talked to me. One time he was suggesting things to Alain, I guess they had something to do with me or our relationship, and I yelled at James to butt out and mind his own business. He didn’t yell back or anything though. In one part of the dream I was in school and everyone was standing by the walls of the hallway and I didn’t know why till one of the teachers pulled me over. It was some kind of special ceremony, maybe a parade, for the girls. The teacher asked me if I brought it. I didn’t know what “it” was so I said “no. What is it?!” And she gave me a shocked look and said the tape. I said “what tape?” And she explained to me that all the girls were supposed to bring a tape to trade with someone else and she looked at my hand and saw that I was carrying an Ice T tape. But I said no way. After the parade was over I left the school to try to find Alain. And I find him sitting with James in a crowd of people on a staircase outside. So I head up the stairs to him. But then I see some black girl hug him and almost kiss him and I remembered I left my juice container in the school. So I turn around and go back down the stairs and into the school to hunt down the container. I can only find the lid though and Alain comes in after me asking what I’m doing. I tell him. Then later on after I’m frustrated because I can’t find my juice container James comes in and starts talking to Alain. I’m on the floor with bare feet and James happens to stand right so his leg touches my foot. Throughout the dream I had been mad at him, jealous and everything that I feel right now, but when his leg touches my foot I felt…sad and.. like.. I missed him..
Why do we have school today?? It’s September 11th!! C’mon people!
It’s almost September 11th. I believe they’re making Sept. 11 a national holiday called Patriots Day. Which I think sounds really stupid and like it has nothing to do with what actually happened on Sept. 11. I think they should just call it Sept. 11 Remembrance Day or something like that. I wish we got off school for it Damn, even last year we didn’t even get out of school early.
Alain’s been pissing me off really bad today. He didn’t want to come to my house because he had some homework to do and he wanted to hook up his speakers. Like I never have homework that I’d like to be doing? So I get over there and his roommate is the security person that takes down names. Once I get up to Alain’s room, someone is sent up to get my ID. Which is in my car. So I have to run down and get it. It’s just a pain in the ass to go to his dorm. And it’s hot and there’s no place to sit in there either. And while I’m there he spends forever playing with his speakers and when he’s done and I want a little help and quiet with my math he wont go anywhere. But guess where he is right now? Downstairs in a quiet place doing HIS homework. I guess we know who’s more important around here.
Alain really fucking pisses me off. When he gets mad everything has to stop and he won’t talk, but when I’m mad…he gets mad and everything has to stop and he won’t talk. He doesn’t give a shit about why I’m mad, but I’m supposed to give a shit about why he’s mad? Figures.
My life FUCKING sucks. My own boyfriend doesn’t even like me. Don’t you have to like someone to be in love with them? Yeah, I’m pretty sure you do. At least for the long run. Why do I have such and awful personality?? No one likes me. I have zero friends and once I do get friends, I can’t keep them. Anyone I get really close with ends up not liking me.