Stupid Stupid Stupid

I started my Math 021, English 15 and CSE classes today. All of them seem really easy except for Math 021. My first day and I’m already confused. It’s just algebra and shit I did years ago. Fuck math. It’s so frustrating. I tried to get Alain to help, but it didn’t help at all. All this time he’d tell me I’m smarter than him and shit, then here I am 4 math classes behind him. It’s not fair. I have absolutely no talents or skills. I can’t believe I’m having such a hard time in math. Fucking spent $90 on an AP calculus class in high school and now I have to spend 20 times that in college to take the class over again plus the 3 math classes before it. Fucking high school teachers. Fucking kids that talk too much. Fuck me. Fuck everything.

I met a Chinese girl that’s in my Comp. Sci. class. Her name is Lian or something like that. She’s pretty nice. I spent most of my free 1 o’clock hour with her in the computer lab. I mentioned her to Alain and he said something like “why are you friends with all these dorks?” Like I have so many friends that I can be choosey. I have exactly two friends left over from high school. Besides him and them I have no one. I’m just extremely happy people are talking to me. I don’t really care if they’re Chinese or Japanese. If white people think they’re too good to talk to me then fuck them. I don’t need them. I need people who want to talk to me and people that need me too.

My First Day of College

Tonight was awesome. Today was the first day of classes and then I had to work after school. So I called Alain from work to see if he wanted me to come over, but he said no. So I was pissed. When I came home he called and told me to come over, and I said I had some homework to do. So we hung up and he called back a minute later saying that he wanted to surprise me by coming over, but he didn’t know the way. So I told him and he came over :) Was nice. We kissed and went to Taco Bell lol.

My gym class is going to be awesome and eaaaaaaaaaaaaasy. Everyone just makes up their own personal fitness plan and does it independently. It’s perfect. I met some Chinese looking kid named Lou in that class. At least I know one person in that class.

Ok well, I gotta get back to my homework. And wait for Alain to call me :) I love him soooooooooo much.

New York Sucked

Well, I’m back from NY. NY sucked, but now that Alain’s here it’s pretty awesome. He wants to be with me more and he wants me at his dorm all the time. I know he’ll eventually make friends and not need me so much, but why not enjoy this while it lasts?? :)

I took a personality test while in NY while waiting for Alain to wake up. The results were as follows:

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: Moderate

Schizoid: Moderate

Schizotypal: Moderate

Antisocial: High

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: High

Narcissistic: High

Avoidant: Very High

Dependent: Very High

Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

I thought these were pretty accurate. I knew I had problems with my personality and I knew I was overly dependant on Alain. So now I have names for my feelings. Well, I gotta get dressed and go see Alain. I guess we’re gonna go get some lunch.

Going to New York

Well, I’m leaving for Alain’s house tonight at 11:45. This is really pathetic but I’m soooo jealous of Alain. He has so many friends and I have none. Even if I had to leave my friends, I’d still be so happy just knowing that I have them.. or HAD them. He hangs out with two different people a day. Sometimes in groups too. He’s a good kid and he deserves everything though. But I just want the same for myself. I’d like to know why I don’t already have it so I can fix my problem. Or problems..

Not looking forward to the bus ride, but I’m looking forward to seeing Alain. He’ll make me feel better :)

I was forwarded an e-mail from my mom and it had some random love quotes at the bottom. One was pretty good. It said: “Don’t cry over someone who won’t cry over you.” I should try to think that way about James… to help me get on with my pathetic life

My Life is Hopeless…

I’m beginning to think my life is hopeless…

Alain came home around noon today. Said he fell asleep at the studio with Mindtwist. I was very mad, but I’m over it now. He’s asleep now. Says he doesn’t feel good. Called Carrie today, but she’s at Kennywood.

Thought about what I want to do with my life… Realized I didn’t have a clue. Up until I decided to go to Penn State, I thought I wanted to do computer programming. But my math skills are lacking. I realized I have no interests in anything. I don’t like math, I don’t like writing, I don’t like law, I don’t English. I like reading though.. But where can I go with that? I don’t want to be a journalist. I couldn’t stand writing a column everyday. I wish I could get paid for being a lazy bum :) I wish I had overall good looks so I could be a model. Like not even a big time famous model, but a Sears catalog kind of model. At least I could make a living.

Still haven’t gotten any letters from the post office. I took my drug test on August 6th and it’s the 20th now… :(

Leaving for Alain’s house tomorrow.. Not looking forward to it. Nine hour bus ride next to some disgusting person. Hopefully this will actually be the last time I have to go Greyhound.