He Emailed Me Back… :(

James e-mailed me back. Just like I figured, the conversation isn’t going any further than the videos. :( Oh well, I guess I have no right to expect anything more. I wish I could tell him who I am.. But I’m too embarrassed.. Shit, what am I going to do if he recognizes my address?? Oh well.. Wonder what he’ll say/do?

Today was an alright day at work. I was just working the floor like I usually do. Before he left, Andy told me to sort and hang up clothes in the backroom, but it was too hot and I didn’t do it. Oh well, he’s weird. He makes me really uncomfortable. Apparently he has the same effect on other people too, because after work was over Jean was talking to Donna about him and they said he was weird.

Uhm.. yeah I just wish James could talk to me like we used to talk.. I have the notion to get another email and bother him with secret admirer emails, but.. I’ll just save that as a last resort.

Don’t Ask Me Why I Did This….. *ashamed*

Well I emailed James today.. I honestly don’t think the conversation will go any farther than the videos I mentioned. Oh well.. Next paycheck I’ll buy some more videos if this goes ok. I wonder if he’ll recognize my address.. I’m not going to mention my name if I can help it.

Today at work sucked. Mary Ann doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. Nice lady, but a little weird. She has these bangs that practically cover her eyes and she has to be like 40 or 50 something with white-blonde hair. She’s odd. Anyway, she has me on register 2, sorting, floor, buggies AND wares. What the fuck is that?? Everyone else on the board has one job.. except me. What am I? Superwoman? I can do 5 jobs? I hate doing wares too. You bring the cart out full of stuff and two feet from the door you have old ppl surrounding you, poking at the shit like “what is this??” “ohhhh that’s nice” “oh this is cracked.. can I get a discount?”. Meanwhile, I didn’t price the shit, I’ve never even seen the shit before I grabbed the cart. And they don’t get the hint when I hurry the cart away from them with a loud exCUSE me. lol But there was like two cool guys there. One of them was an Italian guy probably. He asked me about the angels I had and I said some lady grabbed them up as soon as I left the back room. And he laughed and said “yes. some people are like that”. We talked for a minute longer then he asked my name. I told him it was Jennifer and he said “Jennifer. That’s a beautiful name.” I said thank you. I’ll tell my mother you said that. He said “yes. tell your mother Mario said Jennifer is a beautiful name.” And I forgot to tell my mother anyway. Then there was this tall black older man that always comes in. He’s really nice. I told him as soon as I saw the look on his face that “no. don’t even ask me what this stuff is because I don’t know. I’ve never even seen it before one minute ago.” And he laughs and tells people to move out of my way so I can put the stuff on the shelves. I’m just happy those two people were there today, because that seriously made my day 100% better.

People are Annoying!!!

I’m going to be going out with Carrie in a few minutes, but I just thought I’d talk about yesterday and this morning.

Yesterday: On the way to work driving down that little hill by Borders, I was driving next to some lady trying to pass her because she was acting a bit weird with the driving. I had some kind of premonition that she was going to try to get in my lane, but I was hoping I could pass her first. But I didn’t get to because right when I was practically right next to her, I see her pulling into my lane. I lean on the brake and slam on the brakes. And the bitch makes no hand signals or even seems to realize what she did. So when I get the chance to pass her all I do is give her the wickedest look I could come up with. lol. Then at work, we were having the end of the month sale. It really wasn’t all that hectic, but it was pretty busy at first. Beth worked too, so if I got bored I just went up and talked to her. She’s pretty kewl. There was some really disgusting guy with a graying mullet and like really old workout clothes with pit stains and everything. As I was putting clothes away and straightening the place up, he comes up to me waving his arms around and acting really strange, which scared the shit out of me. He’s like Hey how are you? I’m like I’m fine..how are you? He says Great! Then puts his arm around me and points to a pile of clothes he’s piled up on top of a display of stuffed animals. He proceeded to tell me that they’re his clothes and that I shouldn’t put them back on the rack. So I said ok. Then he asks me if I’m “going to fall asleep on him.” And I say yeah probably, I’m very tired. But the best part was later on that night as we were trying to close the store. Beth was told to clean out the dressing rooms, but she didn’t know that the graying mullet man was in one of the dressing rooms…stark naked. She opens the door up and sees him completely naked from behind. The poor girl was traumatized for life lol. Hmm oh yeah. Earlier there was a woman who bought practically all of our plastic containers and their lids. She said she didn’t have a car so double bag them for her. So we bagged about 7 -8 bags full of her shit then she said no no no I can’t get my hands around this one. Don’t put so much stuff in it. I didn’t do anything or say anything because all I could think of to say was “If you can’t carry all this shit yourself why the fuck are you buying 20 boxes?? What the fuck could you possibly use 20 boxes for anyway??” But I just didn’t say anything and Beth looks at me and say “sorry” but it really didn’t matter to me. I just fixed her one bag and didn’t open my mouth to her again. Then I watched this lady outside. She unpacked all the bags and put them in big garbage bags…when we had offered to pack them in garbage bags for her before we put them in the little white bags. That pissed me off. Then I watched her walking away with our shopping cart. That pissed me off even more. But I didn’t say anything and I don’t even think someone went to go get that cart.

This Morning: I was woken up by my dad as usual. Yelling that I should hurry up and get to church and to not be late and all that other bullshit. So I told him I was just going to sleep in today. So he yells about some shit that I can’t really remember now. Something about I’m making bad decisions and it worries him. I wanted to say some things back to him, but I didn’t feel like arguing so I just went back to sleep. I got up around 11:45 and realized it was too late to go to church. So I don’t know if I’m going to get into trouble later or not. Hope not. I’m fucking 18 now. I don’t know what he’s talking about “making bad decisions.” What decision have I made about church?? None. They tell me to go every Sunday and I go.

Goodwill Interview

Since today was Sunday, I had to go to church. I was about an hour late for the morning session, but I was on time for the evening. Church is so boring! After church, though, I went to Goodwill, bought a few books and filled out an application. Andy (the manager I guess) was there, so he interviewed me on the spot. It wasn’t much of an interview though. Right off the bat, he asked me if I was related to the pastor. I said yeah, that’s my grandpa. And boy was he excited. He told me a few stories about his friendship with my grandpa and the times they had, then he told me a little about the store, and showed me around. At the end of the “interview” we were talking and he told me he used to live in New Jersey. I got a little more interested then lol. He said he worked at some car dealership that Nicky Scarfo used to frequent. This guy fucking worked WITH the mafia. He refused to participate in crime, but he told me he would party with the guys. And this guy can’t be a liar, because #1 he knows I can just ask my grandpa about him, and #2 he goes to the Greensburg church, which means he’s Apostolic which means he wouldn’t lie. That’s fucking crazy though, what he told me. Other than that, the guy’s disgusting looking and laughs too much. I feel uncomfortable around him.

When I came home from the evening session, Alain left me an e-mail telling me he went out with his friend’s band to the recording studio. So I really only talked to him about 2 hrs today. That pisses me off. But whatever.

Frustration!!!

I’m really frustrated right now. I just got back from going to the Waterfront with Rebecca and Alain didn’t email me or even call me while I was gone. He keeps saying he misses me, but he doesn’t act like it. Like last night we only talked about 10 mins on the phone..no wait we didn’t talk hardly at all on the phone. He was too busy typing to his buddy about his new speakers. Then he went to his friend’s house to have him install the speakers. Then when I come online today, he hardly spoke to me at all. I told him all about my interview and I sat there and waited like 5 mins for some kind of response and I got nothing. I ask him what he’s doing and he says he’s emailing. Geez Al, I thought you missed me. Fucking cocksucker. Then when he starts talking again (probably when he got done emailing people) he tells me that he’s going to start drinking again and have parties every night in his dorm. Since that would be breaking his promise, I said ok, fine as long as I can do something you don’t like. I didn’t tell him what I was going to do, because I don’t know exactly what. So then he got mad like I was threatening him. That’s not a threat, it’s only fair. Then he brought up the fact that I smoked a little after I promised I’d stop, which is true. But that was ancient history and I didn’t do it a lot. Maybe one or two puffs. Just like he had some candy with hard liquor in it. One or two puffs is the same as one or two shots of liquor. I’d call it even. And to prove that he doesn’t care about me at all, he doesn’t even email me while I’m gone to try to clear things up. I’m so pissed off, but I’m sad too. I love him.. and I want to know that he loves me too. If he’s the only person that will love me this much and put up with me, then why doesn’t he make me feel loved? And why don’t I feel satisfied with him? I want to talk to someone about it, but who?

My Grandparents

The astringent I use to clean my face smells like something familiar. Like something my grandpa used to use. You know, I’m not sure if he loves me anymore. I’m not sure if I love him as much as I used to either. Anytime his name is mentioned in this house its something negative and it makes me think less of him. I feel like I’ve been away from my grandparents for years and now we’re just seeing each other again. I’ve grown so much and I don’t remember how to act with them. Either one of them. It makes me so sad because I remember how much fun it used to be when I spent the day at their house. I remember playing Indians with my grandpa in my WWF tent. We’d go out hunting for deer and we’d use big sticks as deer. We’d drag it back to the tent and break off little pieces and mix it in with leaves and that was stew. I was always Sacagawea or Pocahontas and I forget who he always was. Sometimes we’d play volleyball back and forth over their clothes line. Or sometimes we’d play with boats in the huge puddles on top of their garage. He could only play for an hour or an hour and a half at a time. Then he had to take a nap or go out to the bank or something. I remember grandma calling us in for lunch through their kitchen window screen. I don’t know why that memory is so vivid..like it was only yesterday. It must’ve actually been 5-8 years ago. Wow..in the long run, that’s a really short time. Grandma is so completely different now then she was then. I remember her always asking the same questions over and over just a few minutes apart. Heh, I could only take so much. I’d try to have patience and be nice, but I was just a kid and I yelled at her a lot. She knew she couldn’t remember and very rarely did she claim that we never told her the answer to the question. Sometimes she’d say “I know you told me, but I just CAN’T remember”. It brings tears to my eyes right now. I remember one day I got really bad stomach cramps at school. It must’ve been 5th or 6th grade. I couldn’t even sit up in school and my mom couldn’t come get me from school so grandma, I think it was, came to pick me up. I started feeling better in the car and when I got to their house I laid down on their bed for a few mins. I felt better in like 2-3 mins. I felt kind of bad because they had to come all the way to school and I was already feeling better. I also felt like I faked the stomach thing because I knew it was probably only gas. I didn’t know it was gas at school though. I remember grandpa used to deny that grandma had Alzheimer’s. When she couldn’t remember something he’d say “now yes you can dear, you’re just not concentrating.” Hahha that’s kind of funny to think about now. Because it’s so obvious now that she did have Alzheimer’s.

FUCK GOODWILL

I can’t believe it’s only been 17 days since I saw Alain. I can’t wait till next month when I can see him again.

I went to Goodwill today for orientation. I thought this job would be more fun because I like Goodwill, but the “processing” is the most boring thing on Earth. All I do is sort clothes and put them on a rack. And they got me working 6 hours everyday almost. My interview with the Post Office is next Tuesday. I hope it goes well so they’ll offer me a job. It would be fucking awesome to work for the P.O. Driving the truck around, giving people mail. Hehe hell yeah.

Around 3 ‘o clock Carrie and I went out. We went to Oakland to return my movies and I got 3 more. Then we went to the Museum of Natural History. It was pretty cool till the end when we wanted to leave and it was pouring down rain and we had to sit in the lobby for a half an hour. We were both tired and my head and stomach have been hurting so it wasn’t very much fun. Though, the museum was pretty cool. It’s been forever since I’ve been there. I think the last time was at some school field trip.

I seriously can’t stand having a job. I love my free time and this Goodwill job is really going to take all my time up. I’m never going to be able to talk to Alain either. A job is hazardous to my health. It makes me depressed.

Not Much Here

I’m feeling a little depressed again. Sometimes I just don’t think Alain understands me. I don’t even understand myself. I can’t explain myself right to him and I end up just giving up and feeling hopeless.

Well today was Sunday, so I went to church in the morning. Since everyone’s going to camp this week church was cut short. Around 4 PM we all went to see Grandma at the nursing home. Some annoying lady was there talking nonstop. She said things to my dad like “you’re a good son”, “you have such nice teeth! where’d you get them?” and “she’s a gem”. But shit like that is to be expected there. After the nursing home we came home and got some pizza from Pizza Hut and I just watched some movies. Then mom asked me to go return a movie to Giant Eagle, which I then proceeded to do. A very eventful day.

He Doesn’t Know Me

Today wasn’t too good of a day. I took my drug test for Goodwill. I got up at 6:45 AM, so I’m really tired now. I had to wait almost two hours in the doctor’s. The first hour, I wasn’t even called in. I was there early, and they called me in at least a half hour after my appointed time. Doctors are the only professionals in the world allowed to be late on a regular basis. They’re late with everyone and they take absolutely forever. If the doctor has such a hard time getting all his patients in in one day, maybe he should not schedule so many in one day. Just a thought..

Alain and I had a little..problem today I guess. I don’t really feel like going into details right now. I don’t feel so good about myself. I feel really lonely. Sometimes I feel like I can’t tell Alain everything. I’m afraid of showing him everything about me..for fear of rejection. And just plain embarrassment. That’s why I want to talk to other people online.. it’s just easier for me to talk to a nameless, faceless person that I never met, and that I’ll never have to meet. Sometimes I just feel really low. Bad about myself and embarrassed to be me. And I don’t even want help, I just want to wallow in my sick feelings and make myself feel worse. It’s almost comforting. I feel like I should just take the pain and bad feelings and keep it inside. I feel like that’s what I should do. So no one else knows and no one else could see this embarrassing thing and no one will try to help me. I don’t know, that’s not right. I can’t say what I really feel.. that’s close though. Sometimes I wish Alain didn’t want me anymore so I could feel even worse.

Two Mikes

Today was kind of a shitty day. I was awakened from a dream of Mike (from my last job at CK’s) by a call from American Income at about 7:20 AM. Now I’ve completely forgotten the dream, but I’m pretty sure it involved kissing. I hate to admit it, but I really was attracted to Mike. And he sure knew how to make me feel good about myself, whether he knew it or not. The last time I saw him was the last day I was supposed to work. I came in, unknowingly of course, late. About an hour and 45 mins late. He sees me and he’s like “where have you been!? You were supposed to be here at 1!!!” or whatever time I was supposed to be in. Then we talk a little bit and he tells me I don’t have to stay and work if I don’t want to because they’re overstaffed. So I say I don’t want to work and ask if he wants my shirt and apron back now. He’s like yeah. So I take my purse off and he’s like “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time! Damn! I don’t have any dollars!” So then I proceed to take my shirt off ( I had another shirt on underneath) and he grabs his crotch and fakes orgasm. Heh, maybe I’m gay, but I liked it.

Well anyway, the phone call from American Income was some guy offering me a job as a salesperson trainee or someshit. I agreed to come in for an interview and we set it up for Wednesday at 12:45 PM. But this place is all the way over in Bridgeville or something which is an hour away from me, so I don’t think I’m going to go. I know I should cancel it, but I’ll feel really stupid calling that place up and canceling.

Tomorrow I have to go into Eat ‘n Park for my orientation. I also don’t want to go to that.. I don’t know if I will or not. Depends on whether or not Alain can convince me to go. I have a feeling I’m going to walk in there and they tell me that I was supposed to come in last week. I actually hope that’s what they tell me. I don’t want to work there.

Thursday I have a drug test for Goodwill at fucking 8:45 AM. That’s soooo early! I’m gonna die.

Oh, Mike (zipper_leg) e-mailed me back today. Twice. He moved to Colorado and got a new job. We just did a little catching up. It feels good talking to him again. I hope I can talk to him more soon. I need a friend…. Wow, that sounds pathetic…