Today was ok. I’m sad cuz I have to go home tomorrow night And I know that fucking Greyhound bus is going to be packed. I HATE sitting next to people. I get claustrophobic and it’s soooo uncomfortable. Plus, Alain can’t go down to my gate with me I have to stand in line for an hour by myself It’s scary. I know I’m 18 and all, but I still get scared being alone there. I feel like I have no way of getting home and no way of contacting Alain, because he’ll be on the road. I’m also scared he’ll fall asleep while he’s driving and have an accident.
*cries* I don’t want to go to orientation for Eat ‘n Park. I know I’m going to hate that place. I talked to this girl that works there and she says I’m going to hate it. I already know the people there won’t like me.
Well anyway, Alain took me to Stony Brook college tonight. Even though it was completely devoid of life, it was pretty awesome. It’s a lot bigger than I thought it’d be. He showed me all the places he and his friends skated. It was nice. I kind of want to go there now, but Alain’s heard a lot of bad stuff about it, so I don’t think I will.
This week is going too fast. I don’t want to leave Alain..even though he’s getting on my nerves and I miss the comforts of home. I can’t wait till he moves to Pittsburgh for college. Hah, I can’t believe I’m going to college. That’s crazy taxi.
Hehe today was kinda fun. Alain bought this cap gun and we drove around shooting at ppl. I don’t know how realistic the gun was but it was hilarious how he acted. He’d shoot it off a couple of times then laugh loudly and hysterically. It was soooo funny! I almost peed my pants.
Oh yeah, I just remembered where he got the cap gun from! The flea market. Remember that flea market we drove around all day trying to find? Well we finally found it. It was pretty awesome. I bought two Hello Kitty purses for $3.00! They’re small and cheap, but who cares. They rule.
*sigh* I wish Alain could come back home with me on Monday. Shit I cant believe I can get from New York to Pittsburgh in 7 hrs. Let me go check greyhound.com about that. *checks* Ok it’s not on greyhound, but its on my ticket. Leaving at 11:45 and arriving at 7:50. That’s so fucking fast. This sucks, when I get home I’m not going to have a computer I NEEEEED a computer!
Well, today was yet another day of doing nothing. We just did some more shopping. Alain doesn’t want to spend the money to go anywhere else like the city or something. Truthfully, this week really hasn’t been that much fun. I’ve found myself pissed off at him more than once a day, for extended periods. I’m beginning to wonder if.. hmm I dunno..maybe we should call it quits or just be friends or something. I mean I feel really safe with him, secure, but it’s partly because I’ve been with him for so long. If we do break up, it will be really hard for me..for him too, I know. I really don’t want to hurt him, and I really don’t want to put myself through anything like that either. I don’t know what to do. But, I feel like he doesn’t like me as much anymore. I definatly feel like he doesn’t respect me either. He says insulting things to me and I tell him shut up and he laughs. I know I told him a few times that I don’t like being insulted, even if he’s just kidding. I know I told him that I take things personally. But he still does it. God…he used to treat me like his princess, but now I’m just getting the friend treatment. I want to be his friend, though, but I want to be treated as more than his friend.. Maybe that’s just not possible for him.. I want to be treated like a princess again..
When we first met, he was all over me.. He always wanted to hold my hand and to touch me. He said he loved me all the time and that I was pretty. It was kind of embarrassing at first, because no one ever said that kind of stuff to me or treated me that way. But I really loved it. Maybe it’s my fault.. I can be pretty self centered sometimes and he hates that..but fuck. So can he! There have been numerous times that I’ve tried to tell him something about work or school that pissed me off or upset me and he’ll interrupt to talk about something that happened to him. Yeah, it might be related, but #1 I didn’t even finish talking, #2 I just need him to listen to what I have to say. I want someone that’ll say “geez Jen, that really sucks. I’m sorry that happened to you”. How hard is that?? And I TOLD him that’s what I want. I said I just wanted someone to listen and tell me it sucks.. James did that. But that’s just because he didn’t care. He made it seem like he did though. *cries* I just want us to be how we were a year ago.
Today was pretty kewl. We went to Brooklyn to see Alain’s old house. We didn’t fight either. His house was all barred up around the porch and it looked like a little prison. But Alain says it wasn’t like that when he lived there. After we saw his old house we walked around the block and bought something to eat at a little market thing. Then like 14 black kids came in, ages 2-7 screaming and whatnot. Fucking hate little kids. Anyway.. After that we looked down the road and saw Burger King and got pissed off cuz we could’ve eaten lunch there. So we got in the car, stopped at BK so I could go potty. Then we drove farther down and drove up and down random streets till we found some stores and we parked and went to a few cheap ass clothing stores. I bought a couple of shirts. Then we hopped back in the car and drove 3 hrs back home. Believe it or not, that was really a lot of fun. I love hanging out with him as long as he’s in a good mood and I am too, its soooooo much fun. He’s a really awesome person and very funny. Today was a good day. I’m pleased lol.
Another great day at Alain’s. We spent the whole day driving around looking for this flea market. We never found it. We were originally going to go to the Bronx Mall, but of course he didn’t plan it out and he has no idea where it is. We played some pool for about 30 mins at some billiards place. I hate pool… lol. Then he got all pissed, cut across two lanes of traffic, got into a shouting match with some lady in a car and again clammed up and stopped talking. So far, my trip sucks..
Well, things are going a little better now. I told him what I was feeling, we argued, he stopped talking to me…I cut myself and he came running over to ask if I was ok. Hehe, that made me feel really good…so I hugged him tight and he hugged me tight and that was kind of our “making up”.
I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn’t like me as much as he used to. He didn’t say anything at first, but then a few seconds later he said he loved me. Well, whatever. I honestly know that he loves me, but sometimes I feel like I’m not as attractive and appealing to him as I was a year ago when we started going out. And I honestly don’t know what on earth he could say or do to make me feel differently… I think it’s just me.
Also, Alain’s “sleeping” problems are getting on my nerves! This kid falls asleep within two seconds of hitting the pillow, then he’s up at 7-8AM. I can stay up till 1-2AM, but then I want to sleep till 11. But no can do.
Oh well. I love him, I really do. I’m hungry…:(
I’m in New York right now, at Alain’s house. He just graduated today and he seems either really tired or really pissed off at someone. When he gets like that he doesn’t talk to me and refuses to tell me why. We’ve been going out for almost a year and a half and I thought we were very close. I consider him my best friend, but sometimes I don’t think he feels the same about me. He never wants to tell me when something’s wrong. And when he clams up, it only pisses me off more.
I also think he’s embarrassed by me. Before I came over, last week sometime he was talking nonstop about graduation and how he was “going to make me look pretty” to show me off to his friends. Then when I got here, he didn’t say a word about it. At the graduation he didn’t introduce me to a single person. And he didn’t even give me his flower (the graduates were supposed to give the flower to a special person in their lives). He never holds my hand in public, and barely looks at me when he’s talking to his friends. The only thing he says to me is “c’mon. lets go” when he’s done with them.
Anyway, I wish he’d just talk to me now. We haven’t said two words to each other for over an hour.. He just sits there watching his music video…