Hello

Hello Diary.  I am lonely.  Today and in general.  I feel it in my soul.  I think I’ve stopped believing in the bible.  I’ve seen so much evidence that points to it being a retelling of other myths from previous cultures that I can’t believe it’s infallible anymore.  So, I don’t know where my faith is right now.  I don’t know how God fits into the world at all anymore.

I don’t think there’s anyone in my life right now that understands me or really cares about me, and so it’s very lonely.  John is a good friend and comes as close as I could hope to someone that “gets” me.

I told you that Alain is married and has a kid now.  It’s been bothering me a bit lately.  It has an element of unreality.  It was weird even to type that out… that Alain is married and has a child… with someone else.  This knowledge combined with my loss of faith has really sent me for a loop the past few months.  I…um…think about killing myself a lot.  Many times per day.  Because I know I’m truly alone.  And that nobody cares about me.  Nobody cares how I’m doing or what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling.  I don’t really get why I’m here anymore.  I don’t understand.  I feel like I’ve lost any hope of having purpose or meaning.  The only person I’ve ever really loved is long, long gone.  And God… may not… exist.

I had always held this fairy tale belief that I would meet a guy and live “happily ever after”.  And after I met him, everything would be better.  But, I’m 34 and that never happened and nothing is better.  I’m really, really, really lost right now.  I’ve been lost my whole life.  Check all of my other entries… I’ve been lost for years.  I can’t figure my own life out.  I’m a sad mess.

Dave unexpectedly went out to DC drinking with some friends.  It makes me uneasy because one time he did that and “ended up” going to a strip club also.  It’s hard for me to feel safe with him.  Do I not deserve a nice guy?  Am I mistaken in even wanting a nice guy?  I feel like I keep ending up with the same type of guy.  The type that only cares about himself and doesn’t have much interest in me.  It’s super duper lonely.  I might as well be the only living inhabitant of Mars.  What would actually happen if I killed myself?  I can’t bother to think about what others will think.  Who cares?  They don’t care about me now, while I’m alive, so why should I care if they’re hurt by me dying?  More-so, I want to know what happens after death.  If God and hell exists.  I couldn’t hate my life more.  I wish I could figure out something that would just make my life tolerable.

I want to just dissolve.  I don’t want to exist anymore.  I wish I never existed in the first place.  I don’t know how to go on with this pain anymore.  The pain that I’m not enough, can’t be enough, never enough.  And the pain that NOBODY CARES.  Nobody notices me or cares about me or notices my depth of despair.

Don’t believe the lies – nobody cares about you or me or anyone but themselves

Over the past few months, I’ve begun to realize and really internalize the fact that people do not genuinely care for anyone else but themselves.  It may sound naive but I genuinely believed what the movies and fairy tales were telling me: someday I, too, would find my prince charming and we’d live happily ever after and my life could really begin at that time.  Writing that out seems so incredibly childish and dumb.  But, it was a lie that I didn’t even know I was believing until recently.

And as I continue to date Dave – or whatever it is that we’re doing – I just realize that love and a happy relationship and marriage are not the norm.  It’s more of a rarity.  And I don’t think I am going to be one of the lucky few who gets to experience it.  I have a hard time experiencing real connection with anyone really.  Even friends.  I’ve been pulling away from them recently anyway because I’m having a crisis of faith of some sort and all my friends are Christian.  I don’t think they would understand my point of view right now, or where I’m coming from with all of my doubts. And so I’m avoiding them.

The thing about God is that I really truly don’t know that one exists.  But, if he doesn’t exist, my life (and all of our lives) don’t have much meaning, do they? We live, have our little jobs, achieve some small successes at work, have some friends and lovers and we all die.  It all comes to an end.  And so our lives served what purpose exactly?  In two generations, we will be forgotten (unless you are a very rare famous person).

When you go through some shit, and you dare to tell a friend or family member about it… they may say they care and really try to empathize.  But, you know that as soon as the conversation is over, they’re off in their own world thinking about their own lives and situations.  By the time the next day arrives, they have probably forgotten the conversation you’ve had with them.  It could be the most significant and traumatic event in your life that you just shared with them, and it barely stayed with them for a few minutes/hours.  We are all in this life completely alone.  Some people find that to be very freeing – complete freedom from responsibility, maybe.  But, I find it hopeless and desolate.  I really crave deep connection with someone.  I really desire that “soulmate” kind of relationship with someone.  I don’t even care if it’s just a friend or female or male.  Just someone that really gets me and I get them and we just have some kid of symbiosis.

Today, Dave and I were supposed to work from home together.  But, at some point, his manager said he had to come into the office today instead.  Which is fine. I understand that and I wouldn’t expect him to risk his job or relationship with his manager to insist on working from home.  What I didn’t like was that he didn’t directly tell me “oh my manager called me and said I had to come in to work today”.  He just ignored the fact that we had these plans, went to work without telling me. and then when I reached out to say good morning to him, he made some offhanded complaint about traffic while driving to work.  Instead of telling me that he had to work directly, he made some indirect comment about the traffic of which I suppose he thought I should infer all of the other details. That bothered me and I told him right away that he should’ve told me directly. And then he just shut down for the rest of the day and we’re barely talking.  Maybe I’m overreacting, but that was just so inconsiderate and selfish.  I feel like he just assumes I don’t even need to be notified of his change of plans because his life takes priority and he doesn’t care how it affects me.  He also never apologized or even indicated that he understood where I was coming from. It seems like he just shuts down.  Which, infuriatingly, is the typical male response I seem to encounter in relationships.  Avoid the issue, don’t talk about it, sulk in silence for a while, and hopefully never talk about it ever ever again. DearDiary world, I’m going to say it now, I don’t trust Dave.  He consistently just does whatever he wants to do and leaves me to deal with the results.

God, I just want a good, kind man.  Are there any left for me?

My friend Amanda is getting engaged soon and will be getting married in 1 year.  And Kaitlin got married last year.  And Lauren recently got married.  And I am straight up jealous.  I am happy for them.  But, I feel like I should be able to have the same thing.  But, I’m 34 years old now and I can’t seem to find anyone. The one person in my life who I was 1500000% sure I wanted to marry and spend my life with left me over a decade ago and has since married someone else and had a kid.  That just takes a little part of my soul and smashes it.  And life seems all the more cold and random and desolate and lonely. I may never find someone and that’s just it. The universe doesn’t care. Friends, family, coworkers, etc don’t care.  Don’t REALLY care.  They may say “oh that’s awful”, but does it affect their lives? No. I could die tomorrow and nobody would notice for at least a week. I just keep wondering what the heck I’m sticking around this life for.  There’s nothing here that brings me joy or satisfaction.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I might as well be living by myself on a distant planet thousands of light years away from earth – that’s how far removed from society I feel.

So many people just want to be loved, but so few actually get it.  We want love from our parents, our families, our friends, our significant others, but we are so often let down and betrayed by them. There’s no satisfaction of the desire for love.  Every year… year after year after year… I have one relationship after another only to get brokenhearted over and over.  I don’t think real love or marriage is ever going to happen for me.  I think all I’m going to end up with is more of the same crap…

Because Last Week Didn’t Suck Enough

Had plans with my friend Teresa tonight.  She was supposed to come over for dinner.  I bought all the stuff to make tacos for dinner, cleaned up the apartment all day… and then 3 hours before dinner time she cancelled.  Ugh.

Then I tried to sign up for eHarmony… and after filling out my profile for 5 minutes, the site told me that they didn’t have any matches for me and did not let me finish signing up.  Ugh.

 

Too Pathetic

Not sure what to write today.  I so badly wish I could give up hope in finding someone, but I want it too badly to give it up.  I just want the pain of so many disappointments and false starts to be finished.  I wish I could find some other method of happiness.  This way is too pathetic.

Last Week Was Terrible

So, I thought last week was going to be awesome.  I made all kinds of plans – 3 dates and 2 dinners with friends.  Date #1 with “Jon from NY” on Monday went pretty well.  We got along pretty good.  I just wasn’t very attracted to him physically.  Then one of my friends cancelled dinner which was supposed to be on Wednesday.  That sucked, I was really hoping to get together with her and talk, but whatever we rescheduled for next week.  Then date #2 happened on Thursday.  It was fantastic!  I was so into him!  Until we talked about faith and we were so not in sync.  So, we talked about it a bit right there on the date and we determined that we probably aren’t on the same page.  And so that was the end of that.  I was (and still am) super disappointed.  It ruined all of my other plans for the week.  I met up with Drew on Friday and he could tell that I just looked and felt sad.  I talked about it with him and it felt good to release some of the emotions, but I’m still feeling sad even today.  Finally, on Saturday I had another date.  This gentleman was pretty nice, very cute… but I don’t know.  I was still so upset about the date on Thursday that I couldn’t get into this guy.  I tried to act like a normal human being though and I guess it went ok.  He seemed to like me and he followed up with some texts.  Sunday I was just done.  I couldn’t do anything.  I stayed in bed half the day and spent the other half of the day playing a game on my iPad. I don’t know why I’m so disappointed over this guy.  I guess it’s because for a few hours I was HAPPY.  I felt GOOD being with him.  I felt normal with him and like things were finally going right.  And so quickly it was just… gone. Ugh I can’t wait to forget last week.

Shhhh

A coworker that I don’t really know is putting on a show tonight at a nearby bar.  I was invited to come, and I debated a lot about whether or not to go, but in the end social anxiety won and here I am at home.  I feel kind of like a jerk for not going since I live so close to the venue, but I just don’t want to go… I hope my coworkers don’t dislike me after this :(

It’s Saturday and therefore cheat day on my diet.  I went pretty nuts today and I’m feeling super stuffed right now.  I had 4 donuts, a mandarin bun, spaghetti, half a pizza, 4 breadsticks, 1 hard cider, and some Pepsi.  I feel like bursting lol.

I got pretty ticked off at John earlier this week.  It was the day before my first allergy shot and I was nervous because I have to carry an Epipen because there’s a small risk of a negative reaction to the shots.  I told John I was nervous about it and he just said something like “why are you getting these shots if there’s a chance you could have such a negative reaction??”  That reaction right there ticked me off.  But, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and reminded him of my bad allergies and how it detracts from my quality of life.  Then I kind of half-jokingly said “you SHOULD tell me that it will be ok and the chance of having a bad reaction is very small and even if I did have a reaction, the doctors know how to handle it”.  But he responded with “but I don’t trust doctors to know how to handle it so why would I say that?”  Ugh.  That was it.  I just quit talking to him after that.  I can’t even bring up the word “doctor” without him going off on some little tangent about how much he hates them and thinks they’re incompetent.  I mean I agree that they’re just after money and not really about helping people, but often that’s not the point of the conversation.  He just grabs the conversation and changes it to that just because the word “doctor” was mentioned.  I was really in need of some friendly support and he just kind of made me more worried and made me reconsider my decision to get these shots and then irritated me on top of all that with the crap about him not trusting doctors.  Ugh I can feel my blood pressure rising again as I’m typing this out!! lol

So… I’ve been concerned about my complete lack of motivation lately.  85% of the time, I can’t motivate myself to do anything more than the basics.  “The Basics” being, get out of bed, go to work, take the dogs out, eat food.  There are things I want to do that don’t even require that much effort, like reading books for entertainment, or watching a training video on a programming language.  But, for some reason, I opt to not do these things and instead take the easiest possible route and waste hours and hours watching TV.  Every evening I feel guilty for it and tell myself that I won’t do it again tomorrow.  But, then tomorrow comes, and after I’ve completed “the basics”, I feel whipped and I just want to relax for a while so I watch TV and next thing I know it’s 11pm and time for bed.  My big goal for this year was to get rid of most of the stuff I’m selling online so that I can move into a smaller apartment next year.  But, I can only motivate myself to post auctions for things a few times per month.  At this rate, I won’t make my goal.  I’m not sure if this is the depression or if it’s got to do with some kind of a sleep issue or something… I do feel tired most of the time.  Probably 75% of my life I feel tired enough to take a nap on the spot. And I know I probably don’t get good sleep – I wake up 4 or more times per night.  But, if it’s a sleep issue or even if it’s depression, I don’t know what to do to resolve either issue.

Honestly, I thought this diet change that I’ve done the past 7 weeks would help me feel better.  Some people say that they feel so energetic on this diet and feel so positive and it gets rid of their “brain fog” and so on and so forth.  But, I feel exactly the same as I did before starting the diet.  So, I think the only logical conclusion is that my low mood and lack of motivation was not caused by a poor diet.  My next “experiment” is drinking green tea and taking L-theanine supplements to reduce anxiety.  Many nights, it takes me a long, long time to get to sleep because my mind is racing, so I thought that might be caused by anxiety and therefore I’m trying to reduce my overall level of anxiety.  I’ve taken the L-theanine supplements for about 3 days in a row so far.  I think it helps me get better sleep, but I still wake up 4+ times per night.  And during the workweek, when I have to get up early, it’s still very difficult to wake up on time and I feel VERY groggy.

I’m getting more worried though because it’s about to be S.A.D. season which is going to make all of the aforementioned issues even worse.

I guess I should just give in and see a psychiatrist and take some medications.  But, the side effects… holy crap the side effects.

I Think I Stood Someone Up Tonight

I was exchanging messages for a few days with someone on CDFF and I mistakenly gave him my number.  He started calling and being annoying, not giving me space and being too demanding of my time.  Then Monday of this week he texted me at 6am which woke me up before my alarm went off and I couldn’t get back to sleep because I was so irritated with him.  That was the last straw, so I stopped responding to him and blocked his calls and texts.  But, unfortunately, before Monday we had made plans to meet for dinner tonight.  So even though I didn’t respond to him the past two days, I think he still went to the restaurant because I got two VMs and a message on CDFF right around 7:30, the time we agreed to meet.  I feel bad, but why would he still go to the restaurant if I haven’t responded to his calls and texts since Sunday?  Smh I don’t know :(

For some reason, my curiosity about what Alain was up to lately got the best of me tonight and I FB’ed him.  There weren’t any new updates since 2014.  No new pictures that I have access to as someone who isn’t his friend.  Oh well.  At least it didn’t make me too sad and I didn’t even come close to crying :)  I guess I was just wondering if he’s with someone.  From the few posts I did see about him, it seems like he’s someone completely different than the person I knew.  I wonder if that’s really who he is, or if he was just pretending to be that person to fit in with those guys.  Oh well… I guess it’s none of my business and not my problem anymore….  And yet….

I guess it’s just because I’m lonely that I even spend time thinking about it.  And I guess it’s easier to think about Alain than Dennis.

I’m trying to really believe and focus on the fact that this life is really short and the pains and sufferings in it are only going to last a little while before a perfect eternity begins.  But, when you’re in the moment and you’re hurting, eternity seems so far away. I know someday none of this will matter anymore, but that’s not easy to believe when the sadness is standing right in front of you, staring you down.

It’s my Dad’s birthday this weekend.  He’s coming down to spend the weekend with me.  I got him a gift and a cake.  I hope he likes them :)

The Past Few Days

So, I got sick with a cold over the past weekend.  Saturday and Sunday were pretty much ruined because of that.  Saturday was Penny’s birthday party, but I had to tell Brian I couldn’t make it because I was so sick.  On Sunday, I was supposed to meet up with one of my friend’s friends to try out a new church, but I also had to cancel that.  But, everything has been rescheduled to this coming weekend.  I’ll go visit Brian on Saturday and give them their gifts and then I’ll meet up with the friend-of-a-friend on Sunday for their evening service.  My social anxiety made me somewhat relieved that I couldn’t do those things last weekend.  But, now that this weekend is fast approaching, I’m feeling the anxiety again….

Another weird thing that happened this past weekend was San jin texted me out of the blue and said that he had been baptized, was going to church and was carrying around a rosary everyday in order to get me back.  I didn’t know what to make of that so I asked him about it and he said he was just joking, but that he was going to church more.  I still don’t know what to make of that.  Two days ago I asked him why he made those changes in his life, but he hasn’t responded yet.  I feel like the changes were insincere… or were not even actually made… so I’m keeping my distance.  I also felt like he was making fun of with his joking around about it, so I’m a little peeved and suspicious.  We’ll see if he ever responds to my last text lol.

I’ve been struggling with life in general more than usual since Monday.  A coworker made a joke during our team meeting saying that he would prefer to do my job.  The joke was implying that my job was easier than his.  So… that just got me really offended and upset.  I asked my other coworker N if she felt it came off as belittling and she said it did, but that he has made similar jokes about the BSAs in the past so she didn’t think much of it.  I guess it was a big deal to me because that was the first time I heard it.  And Charley also hopped on that joke bandwagon, which I didn’t expect from him.  He has always been so nice and mild-mannered so it was a shock to me to have him make a joke like that right in front of my face.  And in front of the whole team!  I still get angry thinking about it.  I wanted to curse them out and say some very unprofessional things, but I just kept my mouth shut.  Now it feels awkward to me at work.  And I feel even less like doing a good job.

Crazy Day at Work

It was a crazy day at work.  Which is very rare! lol  The end of UAT is tomorrow and I ended up finding a bunch of bugs with one of our projects so that got some people riled up and anxious.  But, they were not show stopper bugs, so it was alright.  Also, Craig just quit last week and only gave the team 1 day’s notice so we are trying to play catch-up since he didn’t give everyone all of his documentation and left his functional specs in a bad state.  I also had a 1:1 lunch meeting with M so I took the opportunity to tell him about the frustrations of testing Craig’s project since the specs aren’t correct.  Although M is not perfect, the really excellent thing about him is that he seems to genuinely listen to me when I talk about my frustrations.  Also, he told me during lunch how much he appreciated what I do and that he wouldn’t know what to do without me on the team.  That felt nice :)

I finished watching 1 Litre of Tears last night.  Wow.  What a tragic story.  I have been watching it over the course of 3 days and each of those 3 days I’ve felt like I was in a haze, constantly thinking about the main character, Aya, and her disease and what her life must have been like.  It was so unfair to her and I couldn’t make sense out of that in my head.  I also really struggle with making sense of the huge amount of human suffering that goes on in the world.  Not counting all of the genocides and wars and famines, but just thinking about all of the people out there suffering with painful ailments and diseases.  Those people are everywhere you look.  Even in my own life, I could name several people who have suffered with some painful disability or disease.  And yet the world takes little notice of these people.  We listen to their stories briefly, say “oh my that’s terrible”, and then two minutes later we’re talking about what we’re going to eat for dinner or what shirt we’re going to wear tonight.  Not that taking 3 hours out of your day to sit and feel bad about someone’s situation is going to help anything, but….. I don’t know…. I just feel like we’re not giving them enough consideration.

Mood Boost

Yesterday I met up with Drew for lunch and then we hung out at the mall talking for a few more hours.  It was REALLY helpful.  He and I have such good, deep conversations and it just felt so good.  And it seemed like I actually helped him out too.  He told me that he had been feeling down since he failed a physical exam for a job that he wanted and that spending the day with me helped him feel better.  Yay!  Knowing that I helped him feel a bit better was the best part!

Today I attempted to go to a new Presbyterian church that a friend recommended to me.  It took a long time to get there so that was irritating.  And then when I got there, it was so big and there were so many classes going on, I couldn’t figure out where to go.  And apparently I walked in on them filming some children and they waved me off.  Like I had any idea where else to go!  I walked all through the church and finally left because I couldn’t find anybody to talk to or any signs to indicate where the sermon was being given.  Very weird :(  But, my friend said that she could have her other friend introduce me around and tell me what to do, so I will reach out to that guy soon.