Because Last Week Didn’t Suck Enough

Had plans with my friend Teresa tonight.  She was supposed to come over for dinner.  I bought all the stuff to make tacos for dinner, cleaned up the apartment all day… and then 3 hours before dinner time she cancelled.  Ugh.

Then I tried to sign up for eHarmony… and after filling out my profile for 5 minutes, the site told me that they didn’t have any matches for me and did not let me finish signing up.  Ugh.

 

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Too Pathetic

Not sure what to write today.  I so badly wish I could give up hope in finding someone, but I want it too badly to give it up.  I just want the pain of so many disappointments and false starts to be finished.  I wish I could find some other method of happiness.  This way is too pathetic.

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Last Week Was Terrible

So, I thought last week was going to be awesome.  I made all kinds of plans – 3 dates and 2 dinners with friends.  Date #1 with “Jon from NY” on Monday went pretty well.  We got along pretty good.  I just wasn’t very attracted to him physically.  Then one of my friends cancelled dinner which was supposed to be on Wednesday.  That sucked, I was really hoping to get together with her and talk, but whatever we rescheduled for next week.  Then date #2 happened on Thursday.  It was fantastic!  I was so into him!  Until we talked about faith and we were so not in sync.  So, we talked about it a bit right there on the date and we determined that we probably aren’t on the same page.  And so that was the end of that.  I was (and still am) super disappointed.  It ruined all of my other plans for the week.  I met up with Drew on Friday and he could tell that I just looked and felt sad.  I talked about it with him and it felt good to release some of the emotions, but I’m still feeling sad even today.  Finally, on Saturday I had another date.  This gentleman was pretty nice, very cute… but I don’t know.  I was still so upset about the date on Thursday that I couldn’t get into this guy.  I tried to act like a normal human being though and I guess it went ok.  He seemed to like me and he followed up with some texts.  Sunday I was just done.  I couldn’t do anything.  I stayed in bed half the day and spent the other half of the day playing a game on my iPad. I don’t know why I’m so disappointed over this guy.  I guess it’s because for a few hours I was HAPPY.  I felt GOOD being with him.  I felt normal with him and like things were finally going right.  And so quickly it was just… gone. Ugh I can’t wait to forget last week.

Shhhh

A coworker that I don’t really know is putting on a show tonight at a nearby bar.  I was invited to come, and I debated a lot about whether or not to go, but in the end social anxiety won and here I am at home.  I feel kind of like a jerk for not going since I live so close to the venue, but I just don’t want to go… I hope my coworkers don’t dislike me after this :(

It’s Saturday and therefore cheat day on my diet.  I went pretty nuts today and I’m feeling super stuffed right now.  I had 4 donuts, a mandarin bun, spaghetti, half a pizza, 4 breadsticks, 1 hard cider, and some Pepsi.  I feel like bursting lol.

I got pretty ticked off at John earlier this week.  It was the day before my first allergy shot and I was nervous because I have to carry an Epipen because there’s a small risk of a negative reaction to the shots.  I told John I was nervous about it and he just said something like “why are you getting these shots if there’s a chance you could have such a negative reaction??”  That reaction right there ticked me off.  But, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and reminded him of my bad allergies and how it detracts from my quality of life.  Then I kind of half-jokingly said “you SHOULD tell me that it will be ok and the chance of having a bad reaction is very small and even if I did have a reaction, the doctors know how to handle it”.  But he responded with “but I don’t trust doctors to know how to handle it so why would I say that?”  Ugh.  That was it.  I just quit talking to him after that.  I can’t even bring up the word “doctor” without him going off on some little tangent about how much he hates them and thinks they’re incompetent.  I mean I agree that they’re just after money and not really about helping people, but often that’s not the point of the conversation.  He just grabs the conversation and changes it to that just because the word “doctor” was mentioned.  I was really in need of some friendly support and he just kind of made me more worried and made me reconsider my decision to get these shots and then irritated me on top of all that with the crap about him not trusting doctors.  Ugh I can feel my blood pressure rising again as I’m typing this out!! lol

So… I’ve been concerned about my complete lack of motivation lately.  85% of the time, I can’t motivate myself to do anything more than the basics.  “The Basics” being, get out of bed, go to work, take the dogs out, eat food.  There are things I want to do that don’t even require that much effort, like reading books for entertainment, or watching a training video on a programming language.  But, for some reason, I opt to not do these things and instead take the easiest possible route and waste hours and hours watching TV.  Every evening I feel guilty for it and tell myself that I won’t do it again tomorrow.  But, then tomorrow comes, and after I’ve completed “the basics”, I feel whipped and I just want to relax for a while so I watch TV and next thing I know it’s 11pm and time for bed.  My big goal for this year was to get rid of most of the stuff I’m selling online so that I can move into a smaller apartment next year.  But, I can only motivate myself to post auctions for things a few times per month.  At this rate, I won’t make my goal.  I’m not sure if this is the depression or if it’s got to do with some kind of a sleep issue or something… I do feel tired most of the time.  Probably 75% of my life I feel tired enough to take a nap on the spot. And I know I probably don’t get good sleep – I wake up 4 or more times per night.  But, if it’s a sleep issue or even if it’s depression, I don’t know what to do to resolve either issue.

Honestly, I thought this diet change that I’ve done the past 7 weeks would help me feel better.  Some people say that they feel so energetic on this diet and feel so positive and it gets rid of their “brain fog” and so on and so forth.  But, I feel exactly the same as I did before starting the diet.  So, I think the only logical conclusion is that my low mood and lack of motivation was not caused by a poor diet.  My next “experiment” is drinking green tea and taking L-theanine supplements to reduce anxiety.  Many nights, it takes me a long, long time to get to sleep because my mind is racing, so I thought that might be caused by anxiety and therefore I’m trying to reduce my overall level of anxiety.  I’ve taken the L-theanine supplements for about 3 days in a row so far.  I think it helps me get better sleep, but I still wake up 4+ times per night.  And during the workweek, when I have to get up early, it’s still very difficult to wake up on time and I feel VERY groggy.

I’m getting more worried though because it’s about to be S.A.D. season which is going to make all of the aforementioned issues even worse.

I guess I should just give in and see a psychiatrist and take some medications.  But, the side effects… holy crap the side effects.

I Think I Stood Someone Up Tonight

I was exchanging messages for a few days with someone on CDFF and I mistakenly gave him my number.  He started calling and being annoying, not giving me space and being too demanding of my time.  Then Monday of this week he texted me at 6am which woke me up before my alarm went off and I couldn’t get back to sleep because I was so irritated with him.  That was the last straw, so I stopped responding to him and blocked his calls and texts.  But, unfortunately, before Monday we had made plans to meet for dinner tonight.  So even though I didn’t respond to him the past two days, I think he still went to the restaurant because I got two VMs and a message on CDFF right around 7:30, the time we agreed to meet.  I feel bad, but why would he still go to the restaurant if I haven’t responded to his calls and texts since Sunday?  Smh I don’t know :(

For some reason, my curiosity about what Alain was up to lately got the best of me tonight and I FB’ed him.  There weren’t any new updates since 2014.  No new pictures that I have access to as someone who isn’t his friend.  Oh well.  At least it didn’t make me too sad and I didn’t even come close to crying :)  I guess I was just wondering if he’s with someone.  From the few posts I did see about him, it seems like he’s someone completely different than the person I knew.  I wonder if that’s really who he is, or if he was just pretending to be that person to fit in with those guys.  Oh well… I guess it’s none of my business and not my problem anymore….  And yet….

I guess it’s just because I’m lonely that I even spend time thinking about it.  And I guess it’s easier to think about Alain than Dennis.

I’m trying to really believe and focus on the fact that this life is really short and the pains and sufferings in it are only going to last a little while before a perfect eternity begins.  But, when you’re in the moment and you’re hurting, eternity seems so far away. I know someday none of this will matter anymore, but that’s not easy to believe when the sadness is standing right in front of you, staring you down.

It’s my Dad’s birthday this weekend.  He’s coming down to spend the weekend with me.  I got him a gift and a cake.  I hope he likes them :)

The Past Few Days

So, I got sick with a cold over the past weekend.  Saturday and Sunday were pretty much ruined because of that.  Saturday was Penny’s birthday party, but I had to tell Brian I couldn’t make it because I was so sick.  On Sunday, I was supposed to meet up with one of my friend’s friends to try out a new church, but I also had to cancel that.  But, everything has been rescheduled to this coming weekend.  I’ll go visit Brian on Saturday and give them their gifts and then I’ll meet up with the friend-of-a-friend on Sunday for their evening service.  My social anxiety made me somewhat relieved that I couldn’t do those things last weekend.  But, now that this weekend is fast approaching, I’m feeling the anxiety again….

Another weird thing that happened this past weekend was San jin texted me out of the blue and said that he had been baptized, was going to church and was carrying around a rosary everyday in order to get me back.  I didn’t know what to make of that so I asked him about it and he said he was just joking, but that he was going to church more.  I still don’t know what to make of that.  Two days ago I asked him why he made those changes in his life, but he hasn’t responded yet.  I feel like the changes were insincere… or were not even actually made… so I’m keeping my distance.  I also felt like he was making fun of with his joking around about it, so I’m a little peeved and suspicious.  We’ll see if he ever responds to my last text lol.

I’ve been struggling with life in general more than usual since Monday.  A coworker made a joke during our team meeting saying that he would prefer to do my job.  The joke was implying that my job was easier than his.  So… that just got me really offended and upset.  I asked my other coworker N if she felt it came off as belittling and she said it did, but that he has made similar jokes about the BSAs in the past so she didn’t think much of it.  I guess it was a big deal to me because that was the first time I heard it.  And Charley also hopped on that joke bandwagon, which I didn’t expect from him.  He has always been so nice and mild-mannered so it was a shock to me to have him make a joke like that right in front of my face.  And in front of the whole team!  I still get angry thinking about it.  I wanted to curse them out and say some very unprofessional things, but I just kept my mouth shut.  Now it feels awkward to me at work.  And I feel even less like doing a good job.

Crazy Day at Work

It was a crazy day at work.  Which is very rare! lol  The end of UAT is tomorrow and I ended up finding a bunch of bugs with one of our projects so that got some people riled up and anxious.  But, they were not show stopper bugs, so it was alright.  Also, Craig just quit last week and only gave the team 1 day’s notice so we are trying to play catch-up since he didn’t give everyone all of his documentation and left his functional specs in a bad state.  I also had a 1:1 lunch meeting with M so I took the opportunity to tell him about the frustrations of testing Craig’s project since the specs aren’t correct.  Although M is not perfect, the really excellent thing about him is that he seems to genuinely listen to me when I talk about my frustrations.  Also, he told me during lunch how much he appreciated what I do and that he wouldn’t know what to do without me on the team.  That felt nice :)

I finished watching 1 Litre of Tears last night.  Wow.  What a tragic story.  I have been watching it over the course of 3 days and each of those 3 days I’ve felt like I was in a haze, constantly thinking about the main character, Aya, and her disease and what her life must have been like.  It was so unfair to her and I couldn’t make sense out of that in my head.  I also really struggle with making sense of the huge amount of human suffering that goes on in the world.  Not counting all of the genocides and wars and famines, but just thinking about all of the people out there suffering with painful ailments and diseases.  Those people are everywhere you look.  Even in my own life, I could name several people who have suffered with some painful disability or disease.  And yet the world takes little notice of these people.  We listen to their stories briefly, say “oh my that’s terrible”, and then two minutes later we’re talking about what we’re going to eat for dinner or what shirt we’re going to wear tonight.  Not that taking 3 hours out of your day to sit and feel bad about someone’s situation is going to help anything, but….. I don’t know…. I just feel like we’re not giving them enough consideration.

Mood Boost

Yesterday I met up with Drew for lunch and then we hung out at the mall talking for a few more hours.  It was REALLY helpful.  He and I have such good, deep conversations and it just felt so good.  And it seemed like I actually helped him out too.  He told me that he had been feeling down since he failed a physical exam for a job that he wanted and that spending the day with me helped him feel better.  Yay!  Knowing that I helped him feel a bit better was the best part!

Today I attempted to go to a new Presbyterian church that a friend recommended to me.  It took a long time to get there so that was irritating.  And then when I got there, it was so big and there were so many classes going on, I couldn’t figure out where to go.  And apparently I walked in on them filming some children and they waved me off.  Like I had any idea where else to go!  I walked all through the church and finally left because I couldn’t find anybody to talk to or any signs to indicate where the sermon was being given.  Very weird :(  But, my friend said that she could have her other friend introduce me around and tell me what to do, so I will reach out to that guy soon.

I want love again :(

I want love again, diary.  I want to love someone and be loved in return.  I want that happy feeling again.

I’ve had 2 shots of rum so I’m slighhhhtly buzzed.  And it feels good.  I don’t feel happy or good often so when I allow myself to get buzzed it feels so gooddddd.  Sometimes I just get tired of doing “what I’m supposed to” or “what I should do”.  Sometimes I just want to feel good!  Even if it’s not good for me.  I feel guilty for that,but I don’t want to feel guilty.  I just want to feel happy sometimes.  I know I can’t be happy all the time, but happy sometimes would be good.

I’m keeping a mood journal on my phone now.  Most of the time I feel “meh” or “fugly”.  Which is basically a 2 or 3 on a 5 point scale where 5 is the happiest and 1 is the saddest.  I would like to feel like 4 or 5 most days lol.  WISHFUL THINKING.  CRAZY THOUGHTS.  WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting up with Drew for lunch at Founding Farmers.  I’m kind of excited, but kind of apprehensive.  Apprehensive because (1) the last time I was there was with Dennis and I’ve ONLY ever been there with him.  It was kind of our special/favorite place to go together.  And (2) I don’t know what Drew and I will talk about.  Every time we get together, we end up having intense conversations but then sometimes the conversations dry out and we sit there in silence for long periods of time and it’s awkward.  I like the intense conversations, but I also like to make jokes and have fun.  He seems like a very intense and serious person and he doesn’t joke around much.  Butttt there will be delicious foods so maybe it will be ok.  It’s my cheat day!  I’m on a slow carb diet as outlined in 4 hour body.

You know, I just want someone who I can be completely open and honest and real with.  Even, maybeeee, it doesn’t have to be a significant other.  Maybe just a friend.  Somebody that I could call up and tell them all these things that I’m telling you right now, diary.  Tell them when I’m so sad and hateful towards myself.  Or tell them that I want to be loved and kissed and touched!  I don’t have anybody in my life right now that would accept that kind of talk.  Yeahhhh ok I talk about SOME of these things with John.  But, I feel like he doesn’t reciprocate and I feel like I’m so open with him, but he’s not open with me.  I want the relationship to be a two way street.  I want that person to also call me at 2am crying about something so I can comfort them and listen to them or just come over and give them a hug.  Whoever they are!  I have love to give too.  I have a heart.  I have a sympathetic ear.  I want to be real with someone and have them be real with me.  I want them to be vulnerable with me and I’ll be vulnerable with them!  I want our hearts and souls to talk.  Not just our mouths.

Lately, things have not been so great in the dating world.  I was communicatign with someone named Chris on CM for a while, but he wants kids and I don’t, so that didn’t last long.  I was also communicating with someone named Al on CDFF, but it seems like we’re from two different worlds and I just don’t get him and I think he’s lost interest in me as well as he didn’t respond to my last text lol.  I’ve exchanged a few messages with another guy from NY on CM, but he seems to be into different things than I am so I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere.  To be honest, a little piece of my heart dies each time one of these attempts doesn’t work out.  I’m getting more and more cynical and less and less hopeful.  I wonder if maybe I’m supposed to be alone.  I wonder if I’m going to die alone, never even married once?  There doesn’t seem to be anyone out there for me.  Christian, but doesn’t want kids, and also gets along well with me.  That’s like 1 in a billion people. I read somewhere that 90% of people want or intend to have children.  So, there’s 10% left over for me.  5% of them are women (I guess), so 5% are men.  Then of those… how many are Christian??  Maybe 2/5.  After that, how many of those would I find attractive and get along with???  The number of men gets smaller and smaller. Do I believe that God will give me a mate?  That I am not sure of.  I do believe that God can do anything.  What I am not sure of is whether or not he wants to give me a partner.  He could if he wanted to.  But does he WANT to?  How am I to know that?  How am I to know the will and desires of God?  This PARTICULAR and SPECIFIC thing is not in the bible.  So how do I know?  That’s what I ponder.  That’s what I worry about.

Diary, I just want some really good, real human connection.

I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today

I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.  I woke up a little late so I was rushing to work and people kept pulling out in front of me on the road which just enraged me.  Helped my coworker “N” fill up her car tire with air (which was a good thing and made me feel good to do something nice for someone), but then when I got home from work I saw a message from one of the gentlemen I was communicating with on CM.  In my last message to him I asked him what else he liked besides UFC since that seemed to be the only thing he wanted to talk about.  And he responded to me today with “you didn’t read my profile did you?”  Let me tell you folks, his profile was a 2 liner that said he liked the outdoors and hanging out with friends.  That’s about it.  Ugh that enraged me even more.  I really really wanted to go off on him, but I just blocked him instead.  And then when I was walking the dogs, Gadget barked at some guy and it just ticked me off too much and I hit his butt.  I feel so bad… :””'(  I snapped.  I’m so frustrated with life today.  I’m trying to be positive and focus on the good, but today this let down with the guy on CM just made me feel like finding a guy is hopeless for me.  I don’t know why, but it seems like no normal, nice, decent men are interested in me.  I’m soooooooooooooo tired of these dating sites where I exchange 3 messages with someone and they disappear or only want to talk about themselves and not ask me a SINGLE question or they want kids or whatever else. To be honest, I did not think it would be so hard to find someone.  It had been relatively easy for me to find a boyfriend on these dating websites before but now that my standards have gone up it seems like it’s impossible.