Dating Sucks

The date with Kuni I mentioned in my last entry went fairly well, but he didn’t text me back afterwards.  So, I guess it didn’t go as well for him lol.  But, that was several weeks ago, so I’m ok with it now.

I recently went out with a guy named Teddy this past Sunday.  We went to Glenstone museum and it was actually an awesome time.  I’d say it was in the top 2 first dates I’ve ever been on.  I thought it went well, but unfortunately on Monday he texted and said he didn’t feel the “click”.  So that’s over.  I’m still pretty bummed about it.

I just turned on Netflix and looks like Namyr changed his password so I can’t use his account.  I knew he eventually would, but it just brings all the sadness back up.  I kind of don’t think he was ever really over his ex-wife to begin with.  Otherwise why wouldn’t he have changed his password on accounts that she would have access to.  He definitely could have done more to prevent her from finding my phone number and contact info.  I think he actually wanted her to find out about me.  It is really painful to be lied to like that.  He went to great lengths to prove that he had never filed for marriage in PR knowing full well that he still had a wedding ceremony and was living as a married couple with her for years.  He was basically married….  And it actually hurts that he changed his netflix password already because I was using it.  But he left all his passwords the same for his ex-wife for over a year, even when it was causing problems between the two of us.

This could be my negativity talking, but I’m looking back on a lot of my relationships and I’m starting to think that most of the people I was with never actually loved me.  I am seeing how so many of the people that I dated used me to fill up their own personal or emotional needs and dropped me when I wasn’t useful for them anymore.  Including Dennis.  It’s been a long time since anyone has actually cared about me. I feel so fucking lonely.  So fucking lonely every single day.  I actually can’t stand it.  It is more than I can bear.  But, there’s nothing I can do about it. Days keep coming and coming and coming.  Even if I had a thousand years to work on it, I couldn’t make anyone love me. To me, my life is not worth living alone. I’m just barely getting by, mentally and emotionally.  I’ve really been trying to repeat positive phrases in my head and think positively… but it’s not working today.  I don’t even feel relieved thinking about committing suicide.  Very few people would even notice or care.  At least I wouldn’t hurt anymore. I just want to be cared about.  I want someone to notice when I’m sad or “just a little off”.  I want someone to want to hear what I have to say. I guess I always thought I was good enough to be in a relationship with someone.  I feel like I’d be a better partner than so many other people out there already in relationships.  And yet… it’s not happening for me.  I feel gypped.  I feel like life has dicked me over.  I feel like I’ve been through so many shitty dates and sacrificed so much of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually over 15+ years to try to find love and I’ve come away with nothing.  I’ve come away just broken and spent and exhausted…. I feel like I’ve done more than many people in order to find love and I have nothing to show for it.  I feel like a crumpled up piece of newspaper.  How do I keep going?  And, more importantly, why?

Date Last Night

Went out on a date with Hiep last night.  I didn’t really like him, but it was a fairly enjoyable evening.  I’ve agreed to go out with him again, but I don’t know if I’m going to follow through.  I don’t think he’s the type I could have a relationship with.  Conversations were a little odd for me.  He left long pauses after I stopped talking.  It was weird and uncomfortable.  I don’t know if he was doing it on purpose as a technique to allow me to talk more, or if that’s how he always is.  Either way, it was a turn off.  Also, I don’t like all the words he used when we did Mad Libs – pretty, cute, sexy, boobies, motorboat.  C’mon, are you 10?  Gross.

I’m disappointed, but not as disappointed as the last few times.  I guess that’s what we call “improvement”!

I’ve been listening to positive affirmations videos on youtube.  I notice myself actually repeating the phrases from the videos in my head throughout the day.  I guess that’s what we call “progress”! lol

I’ve been texting with a guy named Kuni for a week or so.  We have a date planned for Friday or Saturday this coming week.  Fingers crossed.

Orange Days

Yesterday I heard from N.  He apparently got some infection from a branch hitting him in the leg and was in the hospital the past few days.  He did not apologize for not responding to my messages for the past 3-4 days.  He just said “by the way…I’ve been sick”.  By the way.  Bullshit by the way.  It still hurts though.  Seems like he’s ready to move on.  Or maybe his ex is with him now.

I wish one of my many many attempts at love would actually work out.  Love is really all I want out of life.  Nothing else matters to me.  I just want to be loved by someone.  That’s all I’ve ever cared about.

Just finished watching Orange Days (hence the name of this post).  I love watching these dramas, but they do make me so sad and disappointed in my own love experiences.  I know reality is not like these dramas, but I also know more people in relationships or married than single people.  So, I know that love comes to most people.  I’m just wondering “why not me?”.  With every passing year, it seems less and less likely and people who keep advising me to not settle and to keep looking because “the right person is out there for you somewhere” just sound more and more deluded.  I think if I’m not going to spend the rest of my life alone, I will have to settle at this point.  Either for someone who isn’t as nice as I want, or for someone who isn’t as smart as I want, or for someone who isn’t as handsome as I want.  I think having someone care about me and love me is better than nothing at all!  Even if they’re not exactly what I’m looking for.  I wonder if I can even find that…  I thought N could be someone like that, but he’s checking out.  I can tell. I’m so damn good at reading the signs now.  It’s ridiculous.

I DON’T WANT TO GO ON ANY MORE DATES!!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO MEET ANYONE NEW!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO TAKE THINGS SLOWLY AND SLOWLY GET TO KNOW SOMEONE AND PRETEND THAT I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!!!  I’m tired of pretending to not be a heartbroken, broken, angry, sad person so that men will give me a chance.  I’m tired of being a disappointment.  I’m tired of being disappointed!  I’m so so so so tired of all of it. And yet it’s all that matters in my life.  This is my personal hell.

I’m done

Date with Brandon tonight.  Was blah.  3rd blah date in a row in 2 weeks.  I’m done.  I’ve tried everything I could and I’m just done.  The universe has made it clear to me now.  I’m not meant to be part of a couple. It’s just over.  It’s never going to happen for me.  I have to figure out how to accept it.

The problem is, I don’t believe life is worth living if I have to spend it being this lonely.

Things are still not clear

Last night, N sent me a text in the middle of the night saying that he missed me a lot and really wanted to see me.  But, we’ve already talked about why we haven’t seen each other – he’s got his daughter with him full-time and he is also in between jobs and doesn’t want to be “that guy”.  But, it’s been over 3 weeks now, I think. And I’m really not sure how I’m supposed to be dealing with this.  Should I be waiting for him?  Or should I just live my life as if there’s no way we could ever get back together?  I am kind of hurt that he hasn’t made some kind of effort to see me even for a little while… I feel like that should be doable even in his current situation.

I took Vyvanse and Trintellix and an adderall today and I still have no energy or motivation.  I just feel so sad..  Sad about N.  And sad that it’s probably not going to work between us anyway, no matter what.  What is most important in love and a lasting relationship?  Compatibility and mutual respect… or a solid friendship base?  N and I don’t have both.  I really like how N treats me, and how he wants to take care of me.  But sometimes he’s overwhelming.  And I don’t think he makes enough of an effort to get to know me as a person.  My likes, dislikes, interests, passions…. And then there’s the big wrench thrown into the machine of his ex wife and daughter and all of the lies.  Logically, it would probably be smart of me to leave him alone forever.  But, a part of my stupid heart thinks he might somehow provide me with a good life anyway.  I would be loved, pretty much unconditionally.  But, even that love feels strange and mysterious and not based upon anything he knows about me.  Maybe this really is a case of lust.  How long will it take for the lust to wear off?  Then I could finally see who he really is.

I did some ebay stuff.  Added listings to posh and mercari as well.  But, i worked in a pretty unenthusiastic way lol

Not looking forward to going into work tomorrow 🙁

Ohhh what will this week bring?  Let’s find out!

Oh yeah, P.S.  I have not been invited to Avery’s wedding, unless my invitation got lost in the mail or online somewhere.  And it’s apparently going to be next month.  Kind of bummed about that… but it makes sense.  We haven’t really hung out in 6 months or so.

Lonely

Yeah… I’m just lonely. Really lonely today.  I am really struggling to find happiness or even to just be ok. I think the only way I can feel any type of motivation or… anything other than just blah and numb is when I take medication (adderall or vyvanse).  Is that really a life worth living?  I’m ashamed of myself and who I am, I think that’s what it basically comes down to.  I’m not the type of person I want to be.  I don’t look as young anymore and I’m putting on weight and I feel unable to control myself when it comes to food.  I KNOWINGLY overate tonight.  Even though I planned all day to eat only a small dinner, I couldn’t stop myself from eating too much and then having two desserts.  I don’t have self control.  I don’t have motivation.  I don’t have persistence.  I am useless, like a lump.

A new week has begun

Happy Monday.  A new week has begun.

I had the condo in Reston inspected over the weekend, on Saturday.  It went well, mostly.  But the HVAC is about 60 years old and triple it’s expected lifespan.  But, apparently the condo association will take care of that.  I hope they do, because it was not really functional during the home inspection.

I had two dates this weekend.  I met a guy named Vatana on Saturday and a guy named Richard on Sunday.  It went ok with both of them, I had a nice time with them both.  But I don’t think I’d see either one again.  I think Richard felt the same way about me because he hasn’t texted or anything since yesterday lol.  Which is fine.  I’m only a little offended lol.  And Vatana has only texted a few times since Saturday… so I don’t think he’s very interested either.  Yeah…

I’ve been thinking about giving N a third shot.  He still texts me everyday and apologizes a lot and says he loves me.  I’m not sure how I feel about him or a possibility of a future together, what with his ex being so persistent…

I think I’m pretty much over P.  I think I made it clear to him last week that I still had feelings for him, and he did not reciprocate, and that’s fine.  It’s not meant to be and I’m ok with that now.  Do I want to hear about his successes in dating?  No.  But, I’m at least no longer agonizing about “what if he still actually likes me?”

Things were actually pretty good at work today.  I shadowed little Anthony today as he helped me resolve issues with the GF1 system.  I actually solved a problem we had with not being able to log into the IPMI with the default username and password.  So that was quite exhilarating.

I really don’t know if this love thing is ever going to happen for me.  I think I’ve gone on too many dates at this point.  Talked to too many men online.  Been ghosted too much.  Ghosted others too much.  It doesn’t work.  Nothing I try works.  Yeah… I’m pretty sad about that… my heart hurts.  There’s a really deep seated hopelessness in my soul that has been reinforced over and over and over.  I don’t know what else to do from here.

It’s Forever Over with P

Even though I had decided not to say anything to P about how I felt, I slipped anyway.  I think it makes me feel more sure knowing where he stands even if it hurts more.  Anyway, this morning he asked me if I was staying positive. And I just said no, I wasn’t because I was still sad over him.  And he basically told me to stay positive anyway and gave me happy faces and a thumbs up.  And that was all.  🙁  So, that says everything.  There’s no chance of reconciling with him or starting over or trying again.

That’s that.  And that sucks.

Today’s Reflections

Long boring day at work.  My manager and his wife had their identities stolen so they’re going through a difficult time right now.  Steve was telling me about it at work.  Then I told him that N and I aren’t together anymore.  He told me to keep my chin up.

I talked with Jawn about whether or not I should tell P that I still like him.  He said it wasn’t a good idea and the outcome wouldn’t lead to a good relationship whether or not he did reciprocate my feelings.  I think he’s probably right.  It’s just really sad to let that opportunity go…. :””'(  So many tears.  I regret my choice.

Been trying to meet people on CMB.  It’s been challenging to get a good conversation going with anyone so far.  It’s disappointing each time.

Dad is planning to come here to visit me for the 4th of July weekend.  Not really looking forward to that…

Next week I have two BC demos scheduled.  Neither system has been hooked up yet.  Once they’re hooked up, I think it’s going to end up being chaos for me until the demos next week.

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Life is such a lonely thing.  We all go through it alone.  Step by step, day by day.  It’s all alone.  Real love is so rare… why would I think that I would ever find it for myself?  Literally impossible.  And so I have to ask myself, what is the point of living if this is the case?

I don’t want to spend my life alone.  But, it’s everyone’s fate.  Why do any of us agree to do this?  How can life have meaning at all if this is the case?