I have had a series of days transfixed by the mind as being unnecessary and yet here I am in the reality of it pondering the choices set before me and coming to the single answer time and time again. I ask myself how does one get so far down the rabbit hole that the light of day is darkness and a dreary mind and no amount of light can shine in beyond the folds. The mind is a magical element of us when put to good and proper use and it can turn against us if we allow the slights, slings and arrows we perceive to be the central theme of our existence. When we can no longer tell what is real and what is fantasy or a perception of our mind. An action or step taken as has been taken a thousand times before is suddenly seen as a wicked and cruel step and one to be fought against. How does this suddenly alteration occur in the mind? That is fairly easy to over stand for the mind generalizes actions over time and one change can alter the perception of years. The question is that a rational mind can apply logic to circumstances and “see” the differences while an irrational one only “sees” what is desired to be seen. If we seek slights we will find them in every action. We see what we filter for, nothing more or less than that. In my series of days of this week I have seen with open eyes the paradox of a troubled mind and the complications it brings. The final outcome is probably already foreseen and while we may lament the cause and the reasons for this turn of events we are powerless to alter the course of another’s path dictated by their decisions and their actions. Ultimately we have to allow another to sail their own ship and face their own destiny. We are after all responsible for our own actions and the results of those actions. In that light we are to a degree our neighbors keeper, being that at times dictates that we step back and let them follow the path they have chosen. While we may know the course and the ultimate result we have to accept that the choices are not ours and we are powerless to change the direction or the final outcome. It is one of life’s paradoxes that others can see where we are heading and can do nothing to stop us from arriving there until we do. Once we have arrived we can begin the journey forward or out of the abyss we find ourselves within. In addictions they say until they have fallen to the very edge there is no way to save them, they simply have to bottom out.
The dazes are illusions at time. I spent yesterday in a trance of an unsteady mind. I wondered about aimlessly while taking tasks to hand. A fix here and one there and suddenly a few of the problems of the home were taken care of and put aside. Small things as I was not in the proper mood to take on the larger and more steadfast problems such as weeding the flower beds and painting the windows or such things as that. I am tired of the home maintenance things and I am tired of the cleaning of the home and the arranging of the home. I am tired of all the organizational things and just wanted a day to sit and be at peace. What we want and what we get are not always in sync and this was true of yesterday. What I wanted was peace what I got was a little too much eating and drinking and a long day got longer by the minute. I am in a strange place of change where the future is unclear and I am unsure about the fabric of the tapestry that is mine. I have made my mistakes and came to over stand my unsteady sort of hand on the tiller. When there is so much to do and take on and get done what prevents the first step?
One should never answer the rhetorical question one should just leave it hanging in the air to breathe and finds its way. Screaming why at the universe is not a desire for an answer at all it is just a need to scream at the universe. So perhaps I am screaming at the universe as I sit here wondering why and how come and when and with whom and all those other quests that come to mind. I go back over the ledge at times to ponder the choices and the decisions I have made and I still calculate the reasons. Leave well enough alone and move on I find is the better course of valor. I need never step back into the abyss of that place and I never will again travel the same roads I once did except as the owner of the logic. I own the dream and the fantasy that it was so therefore I can change it to be what I desire of it. What I should have realized in the very beginning is when you allow another entry you are allowing another’s dreams into yours. We can certainly share dreams and share time and share destiny, what we can never share is what rests within our souls the true purpose we live for. When we share that with another we must be sure and certain that they over stand the core of it, I have made this mistake as have countless others. We learn from our choices that we do make errors and we do have successes. We live and we learn it is said and there is no simple way around that fact. We have to live and that is our journey and our destination. With life we have a purpose and with that we move. I am suddenly captured by the cool morning sky that has a wisp of light in it. Time tick away from me and I watch it pass with a sense of delight in the changing of time.
The point is that there is never a point to illogical behavior or the association of that behavior with a focus or a particular outcome other than the removal of the person or persons from the situation they find themselves in. When the perception of what is real differs so conversely with the true reality then there is no other alternative but to separate the person from the perception. That is the unfortunate outcome of any disagreement that is illogical at its basic core. I am the alpha and the omega of this is an impossibility therefore one has to be separated from the other to either prove the truth or the falsehood. It is true that one is one or the other but being both is a rare exception to any situation. In the course of over standing the degrees to which a mind will go we can foresee a outcome that is a deviation from the given path. Minds tend to flex and bend and when they are no longer in the same sequence they must by degree diverge from similar pathways to divergent ones. The yesterdays of our memory can be neither one nor the other fulcrum for or against the steps that must be taken. She who is a he must be the she that he desires him to be that does not fail the test of them for once involved always involved and neither one can separate this from the other. To do so rends the fabric of the tapestry leaving a void in the encapsulated mind. To allow the divergence allows for a easy separation or seam which can in time be mended. Someday when the tides are aligned and the magic is just so a possibility may eclipse the horizon. That someday is a long way away in a galaxy unknown to me and for as far as I can sense in the coming days this is an eclipse of hemispheric proportions that will cause a disruption in the planetary balance.
I work out the mind in these words that I toss about hither and yon. I wonder if any of it makes sense until the final sentences come together in a jumble or tumble of thoughts until suddenly the mind reshapes or forms up to the picture so readily available and now so clear in the mind’s eye that it becomes apparent to the conclusions. I slip and I slide her in this place so that perhaps I don’t slip and slide so much in other places where it counts a bit more. I mean really who cares what I write here if I never speak it or engage in the actions. This is a raw canvas from which we can work out the effects of what we believe at the moment and ponder the directions of steps we can or desire to take. Our influence over ourselves is total and yet we allow others to stroke the genius and open the doors. We are our own best motivators and even here we ask it of others. I was inspired to write once by the words of another, by their need and desire, by their muse that lit the fires within me. Over time that flame has dimmed to a flicker of hope at times and nothing more. These things happen in life so we have to be prepared to ignite the fires on our own. What power did they possess to stroke the fires within me that I lack? In reality nothing they were the hand to hold, the shoulder to cry upon and the companion to stroll the pathway with. When we find that within ourselves we find that we can and often do manage to ignite a roaring fire of deeper passion than we ever imagined.
The avenue of the desire first is slight and while the heat feels oppressive it is just heat for a time waits further on down the line where the heat is all consuming and leaves not a scar nor a burn that anyone can see but forever does it mark us. Once you have experienced the flames you are suspect to its lure and its invitation to plunge into the deepest fires to quench your thirst. The fire becomes the avenue to satisfy the passion that beats inside your soul and nothing short of the tempest of the deepest vortex will suffice to ease the demands that we place upon it. When you find the one that soothes the fire you have found the peace to your puzzle and the elements come into balance. Perhaps this is but a slight journey for you for most it is a struggle of some degree to find but when we do if we are of a true belief we will hold them within the folds of our soul as long as we are capable. That capability is fleeting however for it takes a deep reflection of time and energy to hold the fire that feeds your deepest emotions. Over time we change and so does the fire that energizes and feeds our creativity and our desires. It is easy to be naked with the source of our passion for it is as we are and as we desire ourselves to be. It is easy and yet it is so very difficult to share that which is so internal to our being. So truth is at times a marginal quality that new forego for the soothing of emotions that are within our grasp to consider. We do as we sense in the moment of our dilemma to choose the stars for the light that it illuminates within our deepest darkness. At any moment there is a light that we can call upon to feed our hope and our desire and that light is as innate to us as our own skin. It is how we find our way when the world closes in around us and we are plunged into the eternal darkness. I have found this light in and about me from time to time and always when I most needed it and desired a voice to follow. It comes in waves and in the solace of my mind that perhaps kindness is not the best course to reach the end but it is at lease the least offensive. Kindness can be the sword we use to lead the most difficult of steps. Having used all the weapons at my hand I have come to the steps that require patience and a gentle nature to succeed. Action is more easily the path a person such as I would engage upon. A choice I would easily make in the modern steps of the eclipse that is forthcoming. A whisper is heard loudest in a room filled with voices shouting across and above one and the other. The hardest choice is to be silent as the storm rages and the violence comes to a climax. When no one can hear to shout is a useless weapon to bestow upon a cruel servant of the words. I have shred the cloth of the servant long before I was ever more than that and come to the edge of my dreams in leaps to begin a climb from the farthest reach of my imagination to stand in the shadows of the cliffs ready to leap on faith. I wait for the chance to drift away and be forgotten by the past once and forever and for all times I choose the darkness in some shadows.
The choices that exist are simple ones for this moment in time is a simple moment. The complex moments are ones that roll along gathering speed as we wait for more and ignore the possibilities until they have grown to a larger and more impending situation. With each passing hour the miles wind away down the avenue we find ourselves upon. As the time rises in equal measure it consumes the steps we have taken and we are left to consider alternatives at even faster intervals. There is never a winner against time we only ever get to have fleeting victories before we ourselves are taken into the breast of time and laid to rest in the bed of the earth.