A change has come or I should say I have arrived at a crossroad. There are stages in life that we find ourselves in and each one requires that we change in some way. Most of the changes are fluid and easy to accommodate into our lives, some are true challenges brought on by sudden shifts or events. Most though are predictable and can be seen approaching from some distance. Life is altered when we take on a significant other and our lives are open to children and all the responsibilities that entails. We fall into that sequence of events and it occupies our minds and our hearts for a substantial amount of time. Then when that phase of our lives is over we become a couple again and are free to enjoy the world without the event planning that was essential for so long a period of time. We have become spontaneous once more to a degree. We still have responsibilities and we are older and wiser about what we do but essentially we can skip to a new and very different beat. What will today hold for us? The answer lies as I often say for while we can do as we please without all the prior arrangements we still have to maintain a balance. That balance is the perspective of being who we are and finding it out all over again. I have enjoyed the growing up stages of my life and the exploration of parenting that has left me here qualified to begin but weary of the winding road. I now feel fully qualified to be a parent but I am not in the market to take on the adventure. What is the advice for those just beginning? Remember your parents are a wealth of advice but also remember that parenting is a learn as you go lifelong adventure. As I sit here this morning in the early morning light of time I can remember not ever having the time or the space to breath and now I have a lot more time and space to take on other adventures. What will they be? That is a question that I have and will continue to explore. It is time to grant back to others what I have learned so there has to be some changes in the road so that can be accomplished and while I have selected one avenue of return I do have time for others and will seek them out as time goes on. The thought of being free from the responsibility is not completely true, for a parent never truly stops being a parent we just move aside to allow choices to be made. That aspect of parenting is the most daunting, allowing for mistakes so that from the choices made lessons can be learned and growth can be managed. We each have to make out own way and to do that we have to make choices and live with the outcome of those choices. A change in the weather has come and the winds have shifted from my front to my back and I can feel the soft hand of time pushing me aside and whispering it is time to move along and let them find their own ways.

The poet spins a tale around a melody composed in the figments of their imagination, a simple series of lines that in time separate an image from the surrounding emptiness. I wonder and in that wonder there is the element of surprise that in so doing we pass on the figment to another who creates it inside their mind not as perfectly as within ours but still a wonder to behold. The beauty of language is that words convey ideas or images that we project and then sit back and in wonder see the image through another’s eyes. This shared image is limited in its scope for even if one could jump inside my mind they could never truly be me completely so the image will always be less in another’s mind then in mine. Yet still the joy of creating is in seeing just how another will interpret what we conjured up in our minds. How are we seen in the full scope of our time? That is not a question we can answer that is for others to dwell upon and give us their opinion. As for the artist themselves the best they can do is to compose what is in their minds and let it free to run in the wilds of reality. If they do that they are being truthful to themselves and to the world around them. We can only always ever be that person whom we are; being another never is as satisfying or as enlightening as being the truth.

I am figment of the imagination or perhaps the view of me is. The real person is somewhat different than the alter ego that is projected here on this screen. My thoughts are somewhat transparent from time to time in both the real and the imagined persona but for the most part the real is quiet while the imagined is not. While we may think the same we certainly don’t act the same or follow the same set of rules or guidelines. This small fact has gotten me in many an argument over the years I have been wandering about. When a person reads this they create an image of the person behind the curtain that is not in perfect sequence with the reality. It takes time and patience to discern the reality from the figments and if you are not careful you can find yourself at odds with the reality. I have in my time done this and it is somewhat of a perplexing situation to be at odds with myself and yet I can be at different places in my mind and in my reality. I may not like what my reality is from time to time and I have in those moments taken up the path that will change it. The thought being if I dislike my reality I have the skills to change it to be what I can imagine it being. I can be a figment of my own imagination as well as any others why waste that ability.

People at times are burdens to us, that is simply the truth of the matter and it is best stated flatly and without pretense. We find ourselves overwhelmed by the lists of responsibilities that we have and being with someone we care about while on the list is usually the last item after we get the “things” taken care of. In our tired and weary minds we finally fall into them and sometimes to sleep and other times to just sigh and relax and if they are not in tune with where we are it can cause a ripple or two. I have similar issues here as it has been a long time since I have not had the entire upkeep of the home on my back and yet even now going on two months the tasks still fall to me. I am somewhat at a loss on how to approach the subject of taking on some of the load. The comments I get tossed my way are not purposefully hurtful but tend to feel that way. We should do more during the week so we have more time on the weekends. I will get back into things just don’t push me right now. Did you wash my brown pants? I can’t seem to find them anywhere. The list of small little queries goes on and I wonder at times if they realize how I am reacting internally. It would be better if they left for a day so I could take on the tasks and just get them accomplished but I am not as young as I once was and working a full day in the yard is no longer an option for me unless I want to ache for a week afterwards. I know what it takes to own a home and be responsible for all the little things that go along with it. At some point we feel the burden of being the one and the only and just want some space to do what we have to do and when we have the time welcome them back in. My daughter is moving to a new place this week so immediately my wife volunteers me, not her me. Well unfortunately I am not really available that day to do that kind of work and even if I was I thing her friends who are much younger and stronger can handle the heavy lifting. Me I will be mowing the lawn that day so it is not like I am sitting at home eating chocolates. The only day I take off is Sunday and by that point I do need a good long rest. Father’s day next week and Jonathan’s birthday on the same day, sucks for him that he has to share the day with me. Only happens some of the time but still it does suck that you have to share the day. June is another of those months that pass in an expedited sort of way. It is a month of beginnings and endings and certainly a number of swirls and imprints. I am basically a lazy person who would prefer not to day a blessed thing but things I must do so I will take the time and energy to do them as best I can.

I am aware of the burden I am to others at times. The silence of the voices is at times proof to that statement. Often I have arrived at a wedge in the surface and found myself pondering the different turns of the events that are my life. I wonder if I had taken a different tack I would have made the same steps and arrived at the same rock and hard place I have found myself from time to time. Silly illogic has taken me for twists in my turns that I failed to grasp before it was a downward spiral of differences of opinion. I no longer compromise on that. All things are open to me and I will not be silenced and if that is what it takes then that is what it takes but still I wonder if I had just stepped back. The thought while logical is illogical in the same breath. To not be who we are is to set forth a task of being someone other than who we are and therefore eventually we will take that out on the very person we are trying to avoid hurting. This is me accept or deny at your own risk and choice of the circumstances.

I am a burden for I challenge the soul to challenge me and I fight with words and the slashes of swords from the ever increasing illogic of my mind that pours forth into the great abyss. Swing me hard to the right or to the left and I will swing back just so you know that I am there and will not take a single side in any way for a long period of time. I am matchless and provocative in an insane sort of way. A child in a man’s body I think is how all men are described faithfully and I believe I fit that model to a perfect fit.