I grant a voice to what is within the folds of my mind. On any number of occasions I have left the sanity of the moment alone and pursued the insanity of the thought to its farthest reaches. Often in those times or in these times when the bold choice is upon me I have leapt without a single thought of the consequences or the effects after. I still have some of that reckless abandon in me for certain moments but for the most part that daring that was once me has faded into the past. There are moments when I long for the insanity of those moments to return to me and yet I realize that those insane moments while pure and wonderful have only led to discord over time. There is that notion that one should think before speaking or at least be aware of the effects of what they say before saying it. As much as we wish to be like children we are not, we forgive slowly, we hold onto memories and the hurts and slights make marks upon our souls that as children we would not suffer. The art of amnesia and the willful desire of a child are not lost on me I can apply those gifts when necessary so that I can forgive myself my indiscretions and I can forgive myself my missteps. I tend not to hold onto the hurts and slights as some others do, hell has no fury like and one can fill in the blanks as they are related to me. My way is not an easy road nor is the notion of being a friend an easy avenue to walk. We tend to slide up one to the other and follow along or walk beside or lead and then suddenly we get to know and then there we are or here we are so many years later walking along in familiar confines just shooting the breeze about nothing and enjoying the company. It was a long time ago in a place far away that time stood in its stillness and I wandered away from the tried and true road. I have not been the best of anything in my lifetime or even a good solid force. What I sense about me is that I poke and I prod and I point at the horizon and say what if a lot and why not and who cares and what the fuck does that matter and how is that working for you all questions that I wonder about myself. As I fly by the seat of my pants I wonder where the grass is greener or the forest denser or the columns taller or the avenues wider just to wonder about those arts as a means to search the edges of my insanity. This is insanity for if I was sane at all the road would rise up to meet me half way between each step and I would have a semblance of an idea of just where the hell I was going.
An idea occurred to me that when one wishes to write the best course of action is to just write. The idea or notion that one needs to prepare or set in place a multitude of steps or actions before writing is an untruth. When the desire is to express what is within the mind one should just let it out. There is an old quote by Beethoven “I did not write for fame or fortune or for honor I simply let out what was inside me.” I believe this to be true of all of us. I believe we are all capable of expression based on this principle or ideal. If we believe we can we are capable of reaching farther and obtaining any goal we set for ourselves. As a child we may have dreamed of being an athlete or of being famous. As we have grown those dreams have changed based on the realities of life, perhaps we always wanted to be a basketball player but we stop growing at a little over five feet or we wished to be a singer but our voice never achieved that ability. In those realizations our goals or dreams had to shift. When we learn to let out what is within us we are capable of finding success in the use of our creative abilities and from that flows an unending source of joy and happiness. There is nothing I have witnessed in life sadder than a person possessing great ability or talent that is unable to express it because they insist on being what they are not. I was always told to follow my heart and while for the most part I have done that there were moments in my life when my head made the choices and my heart took a backseat. In doing so perhaps I have found some success or perhaps I have put off doing what I most desired to do. The truth will find its way I am told and we do the best we can at every crossroad we come to. That does not mean that we never make a mistake or that we fail to do what we are capable of it just means we have to learn something to get there. I have in my time struggled with the perception of time and the need to arrange time in its proper order so that time is well spent. What I have realized over time is that while time is a commodity I do control its value and its effects on me. So if I spend time carefully and cautiously my life will be careful and cautious, while if I spend time recklessly my life will be reckless. Time should be spent as the moment unfolds and dictates, leap when you should leap wait when you should wait and express the joy of every moment in the words you share.
When one door opens another closes for we are only capable of handling so many thoughts or adventures at any one time. The usual number is somewhere between three and seven, though there are those who can toss a number of balls in the air at any one time. These artists are unusual and are also very productive in their chosen professions. This last week was a winding road of challenges related to people. Professionally the road is not easy when another slips off the path and they have either to be put back in the saddle or allowed to wander on their own by their own choice. When paths separate after a long period of time there is angst before and after and there must be time allowed before severing the ties that held us at one time or another. Many professional ties lead to personal ones so it is never an easy road to balance the two edges, while we would wish to meet in the center of the road that is not in all ways possible or practical. The state of another’s mind unless expressed is best not to dwell upon or reason towards. We can have a notion of what transpires within another’s thoughts but unless they openly invite us in to the debate we can only judge what is on the actions they perform and the words they exchange with us.