I used to be very profound, now my profundity comes more often as errors of thought or illusion then as true profound thought. Perhaps when I get all my ducks lined up I will return to being profound. My suspicion is that I was never profound in my thoughts in a conscious way. What there was for a time was a combination of unconscious thought with a good muse to inspire my reactions to what was going on around me. As time has gone on while the muse has remained the chaos around me has settled or perhaps I have settled in and I have become comfortable. The reasons for the change are not really important. This is where I need to be right now so this is where I am. Perhaps my profound thoughts will catch up with me here so we can go wander on together. Maybe I will never capture that combination of threads ever again and my best profundity is behind me. I tend to think that when the inspiration hits it will strike a chord and just like then it will pop out of me without much thought about it. Perhaps you would say that it has never left that it has become so ingrained in my manner that I am no longer aware of the profound things I ramble on about. Maybe what is obvious to you has become elusive to me once more. Often it is another who can point and show us the way we are actually traveling on long before we know it ourselves.
I have thought about granting myself the trial of explanation. The debate within me is that if I do explain my reasons then I expose myself to being ignored once more or perhaps to sympathy and that is not what I am seeking. This trial is testing my patience as I am forced to wait and hesitate and wait some more for the other to find their way. As I sit here writing this the idea of reaching beyond myself comes to my mind. Ignorance is bliss it is said and the less someone knows about a given situation, the more raw clear answers you get. Never complicate a reaction by adding the reasons to the mixture. In doing so, you taint the reaction to be based not solely on the information at hand but on the personal reasons behind the action. Even when asked why or asked what you desire the response must be directed toward the wellness of the other such that they make their choice based on what they believe is your intention. For better or for worse, this grants you the clearer picture of what the other believes about you the person and not about your circumstances or reasoning behind your appeal to them.
I thought I would just write with no expectations of a response or even an indication that what was written was being read. In my mind there are degrees of difficulty and I got twisted by one of them into believing things that were not true. Beliefs being what they are directed me to imagine choices that were not mine to make or in any way connected to me. Such is the complicated degrees to which the mind will go to arrange the foundation to one’s stage. Here I find myself using the muse daily to script things out in my mind and it feels the same as it once did and yet empty. You asked about what I was wanted in my dialogues and I was swept up in a vortex of thoughts. My answer is that what I want is unimportant to the conversation as is what I desire. The critical question is: what do I need? If that is the question and I suspect that is at the core of it the question the answer lies in what I believe and what you believe. My thoughts have since the very beginning been more tumbling tumbleweed like then direct and specific to a central theme or cause. My effects while at times successful have for the most part been disastrous in the long term. What I am capable of is limited by my knowledge of the core of my misunderstanding of that which it is intended to be. Limited as I am in my perceptions of the degrees I do have a rather large perspective on links both former and ladder. What do I need manifests itself in what does anyone else need in accordance with the connection or lack thereof. This then becomes a rather odd series of thoughts entangled in a web of what is understood, over stood and misunderstood. The other slightly less calculated designs of what is intended and what are the outcomes possible are subject to the mathematical objectives of the previous templates. With so many variables in the air at any one moment of time, the ability to project the responses is statistically impossible so one must make their best guess and hope or pray that they have factored in not just the tangible factors but the intangible ones also. Here is where we get some directional confluences. The intangibles are all perceptional emotional responses. They are not however the smaller of the variables. In point of fact the intangibles are the largest of the factors to be considered before any stroke or step can be taken into account. Even a strict mathematical calculation here will only yield a partial response. The larger more desired one is the one that opens the door way into the intangible needs. Wants and desires of an intangible nature are too wide on the spectrum to consider, for they change with each breath we take. It is therefore of critical importance to remain focused on the intangible needs once entered past the threshold of the doorway. This place is open to the dialogue of conflict when it deals with needs. When the paragraph of one line is a message to another line and the days pass into nights and nights back into days the words filter the emotions down to the core and finally the needs emerge from the ashes of the fires burned over all that time. I will answer what my need is, to write. A very simple uncomplicated need and yet it is a very complicated need for it requires a place to put the words and the inspiration. In my world all things have a purpose and a place to be kept for safe keeping. All the words of the past are not in retrospect anything more than a journey of thought or an adventure in learning how to be who I am here and now. All that was makes this possible and while my past is a debatable vortex, the future is where the potential is. As much as I would like to alter the past in many ways, there is no tangible way to do that or to correct the flaws in my current personality. I am unable to answer why I am here only that I am. I am unable to explain the journey or the ride of the past few weeks so that it would make sense, so I will let that be as it is. I will let the thoughts be as they are and not try to change them. The tide of understanding does not allow me the opportunity to wade in slowly, one either jumps in and swims or treads water or one drowns. I am not one to give up on a promise I have made. I may get sidetracked and I may find my way blocked with barriers but I am persistent in my pursuit. What is my pursuit? A good question if one has to ask a question at all since if you just let me wander the answer at some point will float to the surface with all the other debris and left over thoughts that swirl around inside my mind. I find that often the answer is just another swirl away so if you are patient then perhaps you will find the meaning of the questions that come to you mind somewhere in the lines above or below or even in between. The interesting thing is if you read it backwards it says something different than if you read it forwards. This surely points to a conspiracy of some sort that will need to be investigated thoroughly. If the disguise covers the face can you tell by the eyes what you have? This would correlate with the saying the eyes have it. Whatever it is the eyes seem to have a lot of it, which only goes to show you that if you go down this road before or after you end up wondering why you started down this road at all. What is the point of all of this? Does there need to be a point in all of this? If you ask why then a perfectly acceptable response is why knot. This is truly a baffling scenario answering a question with a question, how profound. The alternative question to answer with is who cares, which makes the point of asking the question of why to get to the point meaningless.
Have you figured out that the one that stands guard with you has done a bunk with the one who stands guard over me? An interesting turn of the worm for those two to pull the old switch, don’t you think? Just thought you may want to know since the one you have is much more somber than the one that I got at the moment. The woman never shuts the fuck up, prattling on and on day after day about nothing at all. All that Elfish singing could drive a saint crazy and I am far from sainthood. I am having enough problems with normal people hood let alone trying for saintly status. So how does one shit the valve off on this one? I am sure the reverse is not true, while Gelden is a chirper Eric rarely speaks more than two words at a time, strange that I miss that about him. Strange how they seem to think they can decide what they will do and for how long. Well perhaps I will have to choose another frame of reference for my guardian, a large rabbit perhaps or an even larger gerbil. I can’t imagine facing that on a daily basis without a smile. Oh how one can snarl at a beast bristling with fur and pointy teeth. Where does this all lead? To nothing in particular or to anything at all, it is just a wandering legacy. And so once more we come to the edge of the chapter and verse that has become the common denominator of the equations that are calculated and divided by the factors involved and while the variables are still in motion at least some have come to rest. A last wandering of the lost mime, which I am told is terrible to waste so I will use it now to scream.
Boredom is a given when meeting with those that like to act like the Pontiff and exercise their right to free speech. At times I sit there and just go glassy eyed so they get the message and shut the fuck up. Not today though as the discussions rambled on and on and on and on about this and then that and finally about something interesting but by that point I was asleep. The upshot of all of that is that it was a somewhat boring exercise. The old standby for talking to an audience which is imagining them naked does not work when one works for family.
Do you know that when you write with a white on white paper it is invisible until you color it again? I wonder how many secret messages I can transmit before someone figures out what I am doing. Of course you can use any series of similar colors as long as the font color and the background color are exactly the same.
This is about the many diversities of the mind that can be employed to smile. Certainly if you can read this you have managed to reach beyond the first hurtle involved in the practice of shifting the sands under the water so as to make stepping more comfortable in the long run the shorter the legs the more steps that are required to cover the same distance. Therefore longer legged souls tend to go the distance while shorter legged ones are more hare raising sorts that sprint out and back and out again. However one gains access is how they find themselves amongst the ruins of the old. At the center of the old is the present arranged in a circle so that now is a continuing revolving theatre and the future is just a step off the stage to the right. And now for the first time this time we have the answer, all we need if for someone to ask us the perfect question, any volunteers?