Actions… reactions… sparks… fires… flares… a stroke… a step… a simple quirk or movement involuntary or voluntary… a sudden movement that throws one into or onto the path… how one begins to move to me is some what inconsequential… the movement however and how we perpetuate it well that is a different matter all together… it is a good process to learn and put aside the past into its proper perspective so that the present is dealt with in the simple wonder of living… and that we can look forward to the future that rises before our eyes so we can look up and see what is to come from the steps we are now taking… my point was to do just that… take the best of what has come before… take the lessons learned and the experiences and use that to refine the steps we are presently engaged in… this use of past and present will lead to a better tomorrow… or at least one that is different then the past we have navigated so far…
Leaps and bounds… alterations of the course… a smile entices and a knowing presence is alluring… we will often slide up along side a known presence and walk a bit with them even if the path leads us astray of our journey… the comfort of riding along with some one over shadows our destination for a time… eventually we awaken to find ourselves off course… what we do when that day dawns is what amounts to a paradox… some will continue without change… others will radically alter their life and others will find a thread a change that will lead them back… I am in favor of the thread myself… change to me does not have to be radical to achieve the outcomes we desire… usually slight changes produce the best results… I will use one in my own life… as you are aware there has been a radical change thrust upon me by some one who shared an intimacy with me for many years… one day there… the next gone… after many months of angst and conflict our ways have parted some what peacefully… relationships are one of those areas where it is felt one has to cut away to move on… in truth all one needs is the courage to change in subtle ways to lead themselves toward what they desire… when I look at this situation I wonder what have they gained by removing the past… an immediate present… hopefully for them a wonderful future… I have in all ways felt that I never wanted to be with some one friend… or otherwise that did not wish to be with me… or could not find the time for me… so I learned some time ago to let go one thread at a time… until I keep a connection I am comfortable with… perhaps with some it is just a single thread… so as I have wandered in the past myself and rearranged my memories I can see them in a different light and put them in a better place… in a truly practical sense it means a cleaning out of the old things and putting them safely away… that aspect I am acutely aware of… I would have preferred a change that allowed the deep friendship to exist butt some souls cannot balance both… there are incapable of that type of sharing across the gender barrier… male to male… female to female those relationships can last lifetimes butt intertwined ones fail from time to time and moment to moment… they may pick up again at some other crossroad butt once the threads are stretched they will never be the same… I know where I made my missteps and how close I got and I over stand now why that was inappropriate for me to do… would I change the past to undo that… know… some lessons we have to learn… does it make me less aware now… colder… I suspect it does… I suspect I am not the same carefree person I once was… that I am not as giving or as free butt perhaps this time I will manage to keep a friend instead of losing one… and maybe I will learn finally to share in a way that is acceptable… is that not paradoxical…
When the heat rises to a certain stage the intensity flashes bright and beautiful and I feel the consumption of the fire and the sinking into the ashes to await the cooling breath of air that must certainly come after the fire has turned all to ash… new life finds fertile ground in the ash fed by the fire… it is a time for a rebirth… a new possibility or opportunity… it is a time to reflect and pursue the dawn that rises… it is a new sunrise… a time to embrace the heat for the cleansing of one’s soul… to be thankful for the ones who shared the road with you and especially to those who when you open your eyes awakened by the new dawn are still there…
The course of sleep confounds me at times… a split second of difference… one moment awake the next absorbed in the restful recharge of body… mind and soul… sleep for some is over rated for they are active in mind and body and feel that sleep deprives them of steps that could be a successful achievement of what explodes inside their mind… to me sleep is a necessary charge of a certain dosage day upon day… some days the charge is a small one… others a larger dose of rest is required… my own winding path to sleep does not require more that a slowing down of my mind to rest within the folds of warmth… warmth is my tranquility… wrapped in warmth I sleep passionately and deeply… I can wrap myself in a thought and be asleep in moments…
Anything we are familiar with is simple to us… the intricacies of the underground fade once one becomes familiar with the choices and directions… what seems overwhelming at times becomes simplistic once we master the larger view of the entire undertaking… complexities are only when we attempt to eat the entire elephant at one sitting… when we slice off a small pieces over time we consume the entire length and breadth of it… butt it is much easier to swallow…
To me in my mind all artists or creative people are two sided… the artistic self is independent focused and knows what path to take… the other side is well less dynamic… less sure of the reaction and wants to be accepted butt knows that for every one that embraces them there is one that does not and while we may say that criticism runs off our backs in truth it does not… and what I fear most of the critic is not the words or the spotlight upon me… butt that it would change my approach to what I do… how does one deal with the critic and stay on course… will I still be the same motivated me or will the critic’s eye distort me in some way or another…
Horses often talk more intelligently then humans… in fact animals as a species tend to communicate a lot better their intentions then we humans for all our intelligence do… perhaps we should adopt similar approaches…