At least for a while or until the while comes to a turn in the events that make it necessary for me to put down on the computer what my mind is wandering about. I believe that it is important at times to take another road if for nothing else to take another road to see where the intersections take you. Different scenery at times is pleasant to look upon and consider the alternatives that play into ones mind. Knot all of what we do is for a valid justifiable reason, some times we just do things because we do them unthinking about the consequences of the fall. Some times we need to put aside the frame of reference for a wider screen view of the world. Some times the single is more important then the whole or the complete. Words are truly all I ever had to give and the gift that granted me the freedom to give them has been the most precious gift I have ever received. How does one acknowledge such a gift as one that moved your life to a better place? More often then not we rebel against those who gave us the most encouragement, the most love and granted us the wings to fly. We rebel because we falsely believe they want to hold us as the people we are or were. What I want most is for other’s to realize it is and has in all ways been about them. It is about hue, the gift is hue the opportunities are yours the choices are before you to make. The steps are yours to grant and the purpose has in all ways been to get you to see the person hidden within.
What I think at times has nothing at all to do with what I am thinking. A strange if not often bend in the light of sanity that I live within. I should be thinking of ways to deal with a situation that is before me and I will be thinking of some thing else on the other side of my reality or worse in the realm of my imagination. Perhaps it is a male thing to let the mind wander and we see people not as people but as the sensual beings they are. For the most part that does not include other males at least for me but when dealing with females I do wander in those directions and wonder some times how they fit. I should be thinking of solving a real life situation butt I am thinking of how the sensual reality works in my imagination more then I am putting my mind to work on the relationship issue at hand. This truly is a male dilemma. I am unaware of any female who thinks in this abstract sort of way or at least none that wood admit it. I have my suspicions mind you butt I only get that look of is that all you ever think about. In matter of fact it is not all I ever think about. In matters of fact it is some thing I think about routinely butt it is not all I think about when with some one or talking with some one or thinking about some one. What I am freely admitting to is that at some point in the thought there is nakedness of thought. Some people I never see any different then the first time we met. The impression they made upon me was that perfect and absolute. Forever they will be etched in my mind in that frame of reference. I ma not ashamed of the way I see people. I have been in bare ass at times because of it butt then what is thought if we cannot let it be imagined and see what happens from there.
There is time to say what we need to say and time to put to rest the thoughts we have had up until now. The truth has set in motion a number of ripples to the pond of contentment. Until they are settled and the waters turn flat and clear there will not be harmony of ideas or of thought. Where do I go from here? I know this sensation for I have sat on the edge of this before and while I want to tell you the words will not flow in a way that will be productive. I know what it means to be put aside for many others have in the course of my awareness. It is a natural passing on of teacher to student to contemporary. The playing field is even and measured not by what one brings or has brought before but by what one is willing to share. As in times past the first step away is the most painful of the choices we make. There is the awareness in one that the present situation is not appropriate or possible to continue. There is the awakening usually painfully of that fact with the other. Then there is the widening of the gap and the easing of the transition away from one another which slips into the eternity of time.
The words are all I have left to give for I have given all that I can manage. All I have left in me are the words that are inspired by the present of you. Over the next small expression of time there is an opportunity to think differently and to put into perspective what is needed in your life. That one need or group of needs must be filled before any new steps can be taken in your life. We sit on this edge of change and know that with change comes growth, with growth opportunity to learn, with knowledge the confidence to make choices in an ever changing world.
I have struggled over the past month with myself and the awakening of knowledge within me. I have taken the knowledge and held onto it instead of letting it go free. I know intellectually that one can not hold an intangible in their hands as a piece of gold but it has more value then the gold, more wealth then the treasurers of all time. Time has me at a disadvantage as with most moments we have to create the time to do what we need to do and hope that we say all that we have within us and leave time and fate to their tasks. The power of words is that they change us in an instant from the universal to the specific. Words awaken our minds to thoughts we had not considered for some time or maybe knot even ever. We take our steps in time to accomplish what we must for ourselves for only then are we valuable to others. Only they after we have healed ourselves will we ever have the ability to heal the pain of another.
I write what wonders into my mind because I can. The washing out of my words expresses the skewed logic of my soul. I am not a logical line thinker as much as an illogical heart thinker that lives the moment. I am blind to the wanderings of others across my path. I wish I had been more perceptive. Perhaps if I had, my world would be a little smoother.
We make our choices and do what is best for us at the time. We make of it what we can and do what we must. Over the past month or so it has been rather difficult in many emotional waves. The end of an era and the beginning of a new one makes for sentimental reflection. The mirror truly does have two faces to reflect upon. The one we show the world and the one we long for in our hearts to see looking back at us. We make our choices and I have made mine. The anger and the fear will fade. In the time it takes for them to vanish much more will have occurred to offset the choices made.
Who am I to step on toes or reach beyond another to stretch my hand out before? Who am I to assume that any steps be taken for me? The truth is I am butt the shade of night a shadow of darkness lingering on the edge of reality. But for the grace of Godde go I into the night and disappear in the twilight to reappear in the dawn’s first sliver of imagination. I will be gone for some days and when I get back I expect silence to greet me. It is time for a change in my life and perspective. It is time for me to step to the sound of my own drum and to listen to my own heart for a change. Silence is a golden fruit we savor on the edge of solitude as we depart the chaos of everyday living. The dreams are sweet the conversation endless and the doors keep closing one by one.
The wish was to gain control and to be free of the fear and the ties that bound you once and with each day those ties are cut and put aside. Until one day the last will fall away and the notion of what it was that held you close and captivated your heart will all but disappear. There are many reasons why this choice is a good one a reasonable one and only one for the alternative point of view. Logical people would never be in such places as I wonder each day for they are much too logical of mind and heart to fall. So it goes with me and forever has it ruled my life time or the lifetime I have had since being aware of the life that I needed to live. We make our choices and we decide to move in directions that are not in all ways in step with those we love. We make our choices first for ourselves and then for them until we make our choices for ourselves alone. Know matter what we choose in time there will be acceptance of our choices.
On the cusp of this wave of activity there is a sign that time has changed for the better. I take the tone of being lazy in a most productive way and suddenly the thought captivated me. I am some what occupationally challenged in my choices. It is a hazard of the highest order of change in a way that is fruit filled like a doughnut or a turnover. The tasty part is in the middle or is that the reward one gets for sampling what is placed before them. To taste is the ideal flavoring of time over time that matters most in the frame of time we have to call the thief what he is in the time we have with time. The cusp is there as a reminder to me that my time is slipping away. I have neither the patience nor the focus to deal with what I am intolerant of. It is an occupational hazard. Over time some times we learn really learn how to deal with such challenges. There are some that even with time we find ourselves in that occupational hazard territory where we just have not been able to deal. That is my place in time with time today. On the cusp of this wave of change about to begin my summer vacation and I am pushed aside in a way because I need to not be flexible. There are those times when being there means not being there where doing the right thing is leaving some one to figure it out by them selves. There are those times when being there means standing alone in the path and getting in the face of another then stepping aside to let them pass. Choice is about doing what each one of us needs to do to find our way. Choice is about decisions made and lived and then remembered as being positive for what we learned really learned about life.
There are hazards in the words we use the steps we take the passage we follow and the procedures we employ to get ourselves from one side of the equation to the other. They are the hazards we employ or accept when we move from one place to another. I do my best to knot step on other’s toes or to step beyond the cadence of the dance I do. We do however unintentionally manage to step on toes and reach beyond another. It happens like shit happens and we are forced by the awareness to take note of the occurrence of the occupational hazard of being who we are. In the delight of what we now know how could we manage to accomplish the same thing without the toe stomp and the brush aside of the next? A question often manages to occur in the most obvious of places for our minds do match the sequences as only our minds can. I am off for a time and then I will return less like I was and more like I am going to be. I can’t stay here in the tide waters waiting and I have been told no with not a promise of later maybe and I know where you are and I whisper your name and I have my answers and they are still as they were before filled with fear and the need to hide amongst the brush and maybe that is where I should have stayed all along. Perhaps this is the best of ways after all. Perhaps this is the avenue that I should take and keep on going instead of a single day make it a permanent response to the diverse reactions. A simple I am not angry but I know you wish me to go so go I will. Know one could blame me at all, three times in as many weeks being told to bugger off would send any sane man to the knacker with his skin flayed off his bones looking for a means to the end of the suffering. I am not angry at all. I am mystified at the regularity of my stupidity.
The page turned over and revealed the progress made. One step forward and not a step to go back that is progress at its best. A sigh that we made it and survived the frantic pace of weekend upon weekend taken up in family responsibilities and appearances that were required of us. We have made it to the other side of the insanity and now we are faced with all the chores that have been put off to the side while we accomplished our required steps. Now we have the to do list of things that we should have been doing all along the way but could not get to as we were pursuing one or another family responsibility over the state. Some things are easy to catch up on and others are not so easy. In the time it takes to reach the end we could have done so much more had we only focused our attention to it. But alas we were not in the frame of mind to get that done and now we are on the other side in the dawn of summer and still have some spring cleaning of mind to do before earnest work on summer chores can begin. In a few days time the time for my time away begins. Nothing special in the works for this year but two weeks of being away from work away from the morning rituals and the tide rising and falling. Two weeks of some sun some sand and some waves to catch the youth filled spirit once more. Vacation time or holiday or what ever one wishes to call the stepping out of the same into the ritual of summer each has their own way of celebrating the passing of youth.
The time comes when time itself needs to make a change. Time being that elusive series of seconds that we call moments escape as if sand sin the hourglass of our time. Time is measured in the places we have been and the ones we are going to and more times then not time escapes us in the present. The here and the now is the most interesting of times and should get the focus of our attention. As far as time is concerned it is time for time to change over and under and around about the way one sees water flow. Time for me has changed from the hectic to the slow and measured pace of forward progress.
The light dawned on me in seconds apart from the absence of and beginning shades edged in the paradise of slumber a dream wandered. The wandering of the light awakened in me the words I could speak in tones silent yet aware. The words seeped in to the silence goes the changes unaware and unassuming so eloquent they are to dream and then to have them there. I wandered the edge of the sleeplessness and came to know fatigue as only some one who has not slept can but having slept I wondered was it a dream that I did or have I actually been and still feel the fatigue of a days journey in this night. In wondering we find answers to the questions we have only to fall upon more questions to find answers to and so it goes. The nature of a journey is that even when it ends it begins once more with the dawning of the light. Chilled in the morning air asleep at the wheel the time passed without a slight change of direction. Be it here nor there it was as it was and should be for a June morning with a slight chill to the air. A cold rain did fall and dropped the degrees. A cold wind did blow and wiped the thickness from the sky to breathe is to pull in the soft fragrant scents of summer for the change was complete and now it is here and on the edge of reality I sit and wonder where all the past ones have gone. The light dawned on me in the corner of the room square and discrete across the universal line of time and space a soul cries and forever more the world turns slightly different for the anger, the fear and the nature of man. If one could they would or maybe they would knot. I like to hope that they would.
Relax the mind to find the way is laughter’s pleasure on the cusp of a new day. Breathe deep the air that surrounds you now and let out the frustration that gathers. When faced with choice we do so choose when faced with obstacles we some times elude in either case the step is clear only forward can one endeavor to move. Therefore it is obvious to note that an elephant is big for sure butt in death it is erased from the world one tiny bit at a time until all that remains is a memory. So to can we accomplish the task given in hand, one day at a time, one step at a time, one smile at a time. And if you need to step in front of a group or a mass just smile and take them into your grasp. Just because you are uncomfortable now does not mean that when the time arrives you will be. In fact I am rest assured that by the time arrives you will be more then capable of getting the upper position. Breathe in and out and pant a bit for the sound of excitement wets your lips and appetite for smiles explore the obvious at every door. And when the tide rushes in and the time slips away let the laughter of moments fill you every need want and desire for more. Ina time long ago in a place far away there is hand that reaches out and touches you in such a way that your eyes close and your mind wanders and a sigh slips from your imagination. And if that can be done with a word or two, then imagine what else you can do with a set of words and a smile on your lips there is nothing at all you can’t accomplish. So set aside the smile and work hard on those figures for each letter is a kiss and each number a submission that some one is thinking of movements in time when the power of you combined with the power of mine and left a lasting stroke of beauty and charm that reaches out in the night to wrap around your arms. Play with the dream the thought and the figures entangled in webs until you unravel them hither and yon and to and fro entwined in the fabric is a single massage to relax and smile and the knowledge will come.
We make choices at the time we have to. We live with those choices some times for a life time and at others for the moment. How long depends on how the choice works out in the future and if we are happy with it.
I need to give a bit of time and let the words find a proper perspective. I was never one that was good with ultimate equations. I find there is more to life then a single choice of all or nothing. I believe one can have some things while keeping some things and letting some other things go. I believe one can love deeply and have more in their life. It is not for me an all or nothing equation. I over stand how for some that it is but then I also over stand the possession aspect of love that is pervasive in thought. To a great many love is about possession, it is about capturing and being the one and only. The secret to lasting relationships has nothing to do with possession at all it has everything to do with setting the other one free. If you love them set them free has more to do with lasting relationships then the capture or the possession of another’s heart and soul. You may capture for a time the eye of another but if you hold them tight you will eventually lose them. If you encourage them to fly and be the most that they can be they will be with you always.
The end is not the end at all, the end is another beginning. The end of some thing is the opening step in the beginning of some thing more. When ever we reach the place where we step out of what we are used to or comfortable with it feels as if we are leaving some thing behind and while that is true what we are gaining is the confidence to do more. As is human nature we like what is the same yet we only learn from what is different. The more we change the more change becomes the process from which we can obtain knowledge and over standing. Change becomes the consistent factor in our lives and therefore we become accustom to the steps needed to end and begin. The end is not the end at all it is but the door where new beginning open to our imagination. While this step may feel like an ending of a sort, it truly is the beginning of some thing much more. As each day moves past, as each moment in time passes we move further along then if we stayed in the prior place. Positive movement often comes from the ending of a thought that allows our minds to consider alternative ways of reaching what we desire.
What is lost now shall be regained in time. Truly time is the culprit of all relationships. Time is the capsule in which we measure them and hold them up to our memories. We remember in time that all of our relationships were as they should have been in the time we had. Love was for each of us a unique and colorful opportunity. We found purpose in our lifetimes and adventure in our hearts when we found love. At times when things arrived at their crossroads and one had to depart we found that love or memory of it can soothe the savage beast within us and find for us a creative measure for what is important in out lives. What is lost is the opportunity and possibility but what we gain is a reality with both of those. It may seem as if the opposite is true but reality while not as colorful is more then the dream. It is in reality that we find the courage to dream and the passion to live out those dreams. It is in reality that we find the one that makes our time stand still and hearts beat faster. While the dream is wonderful and wets our appetite, the reality is what satisfies the need within us. What is lost shall be regained in the fulfillment of your dreams in the reality of your everyday life. There will be fire and rain, words measure, sights seen across long distances and finally there will be ends and new beginnings. What is lost is regained in memory in heart felt thoughts and reflections. What is lost is regained in silence and wondering and setting dreams in motion to go forward with the courage to be successful. What is gained is the freedom to live in a reality that can bring forth what is deserved truly by the one heart that needs it most.
All the sounds make sense in time. A reflection of the mirror with multiple faces shimmering in the delight of what we now know. Oh to take on the task after we have taken on the task. In other words what we would do knowing what we now know if we were to start all over once more. A wise man once said that to know a path is to walk it and one does not know truly what the day holds until they do.
The blues are a rift… a way of getting out the day to day steps in life… went down to the crossroads… watch the train go bye… never had a reason for it… just the option crossed my mind… stepped forward one morning… took a hand up on that train… never looked back to the hell I’ve been in or to the heaven that remained… the blues are a way of saying all lives have struggles and all lives have pain… the blues are a music that is central to life… to living… to singing…
I have finally come through the work related hectic pace of the past couple of days. A flare of activity for a period of time so that the mind was kept occupied on some thing other then what it was focused on before. Some times that is what we need to step back from our intimacy of self to find a way around ourselves. The past couple of weeks have been difficult ones for me as they have taken their toll on my perspective. I have changed in this time I can feel it inside me. The change is a necessary one but not necessarily a good one. Time will tell how all that will come to bear in my life. Time will be the measure of success or failure of the changes I make in my life.
The days were busy and that kept my mind away from the conversations and perhaps allowed me the space to gain some room. What I do with that room, what I do with the space that I now have, what I do with the time that is available to me will speak of how I decided to use the gift granted to me. It would seem unusual to see this as a gift but all changes are gifts if we take them as a means to grow. If we take them as an opportunity to be happy with our lives and who we are, then they are gifts. It takes time to allow such thoughts to gain acceptance to gain a perspective in our minds. Life is a series of events connected in time. The sequence of which depends on how we choose to experience the days we have. We are not capable of choosing who we love though we might wish to all we can do is enjoy the time we have with them. If that time is short or if it be a life time the love associated with the ties will leave the appropriate mark and meaning on each person who experienced it.
The color of the day is grey cold and misty an appropriate sort of day. I have that state of pale blue that comes with peace and being centered in my thoughts. I am calm and content in who I am and where I have come from. While the tide of things has changed around me I believe I have done what was right and correct for me to do and while that may not have been the politically correct or socially acceptable path I am happy I walked this way. In this time of change in this month of change of years coming to ends and new beginnings opening on the horizon, it is time to accept the changes as a means to an end I had not considered. It is time for me to step in time with time and see feel and hear where that will take me. The color of the day is grey butt that does not change or alter my perspective of me.
The natural process is to build a wall, a sanctuary where one can place their emotions and feelings related to some one or someplace in time. The natural process is to put all of this behind me and to move on to another place and never look back until I can look upon it without feeling so intensely. That would be the natural process for most that is what they would and are doing. It is not my way to close doors and refuse entrance. It is not my way to cut off the emotions or the steps from which I have arrived here. There was a time in my life when that was the way I would heal. I would wall myself up and hide until the pain within eased and I could manage to face the world. I have learned for me that hiding is not the best option nor is it the best process for me to follow. I am by nature a quiet and reflective person I will use my strength of purpose to move the mountain of me in a positive direction while still being among the living. I can place my words here where few wander and leave each day as the means of getting to tomorrow.