Vitriol and True Hate

The email was pure vitriol and hate.  Every negative adjective used to describe me true.  Why did I do it?  Not coming back.  Don’t deserve to live.  :’-(


Well, wanting to cry right now because I’ve been removed from a certain someone’s friends list.  This was quite predictable, really.  Well, I asked for it really.  Sometimes you just can’t help people you care about.  Fighting back tears.  As I started to write this entry I’ve just heard a ‘new mail’ notification and I see it’s from ‘him’.  You know what?  Because he has deleted me from friends, I can’t bear to read it.  I can’t face it.  I feel teary to begin with.  I have a feeling it’s going to be anger and you *know* what I’m like with anger.  I want to read it but dare not.  Rejection.  Not good with that am I?  I know.  I brought it on myself but there are things I just had to say.

I need for Mojo and Liz to join me in Stickam right now to distract me.

Just left a message on Linda’s diary.  She has put great photos of her holiday on there.  TAKE A LOOK HERE!
If you like, leave a comment!  I’m sure she’d like to read all comments after taking so long to upload today.

Going to listen to some of my favourite music but can’t bear to read the email I just got.  I’m glad I saw that I was deleted from his friends list before I saw the email arrive.  I shall have to avoid reading it.  Which is probably what ‘he’ is doing by deleting me.  Feeling teary and stupid right now.  I know, I’m my own worst enemy but I have to do what I think is right….

Love from a very nervous and teary Sair, waiting to see if Mojo and Liz turn up sometime tonight.  Hope so.
Love to all,
Sair xx

Comments On Comments Again

Hello again all…

David – well my Dad never could get song lyrics right either.  He used to get everything wrong and sing his own version of hits.  So it comes as no surprise to me that he got the "Pinch and a Punch" thing wrong.  :)  Hope you enjoyed your first of the month too. 

Richard – I’m so pleased that reading about my Dad has lifted your spirits.  I only just got your "Rugs, Hitchard" – spoonerism!  Hahaha!  That just lifted *my* spirits – made me giggle.

CP – "Sitting on the TV watching the settee" is not exactly a Spoonerism but I get where you’re coming from.  :)

Over the next few days I plan on getting packages out to Donna and family, Spatzie and co. etc. and pick up my parcel from the Post Office.  Then I’m going to go back through a few comments I’ve missed commenting on….if you know what I mean.

Mojo Paul – it you’re reading this and fancy stopping by Rob’s chat for a few minutes, then I’m on the Index page – click the link at the top of this page – in Rob’s chat.  Why not join us?  And anyone else who’s signed up to Stickam too for that matter!  David?  Hope to see you there!

More later over this holiday weekend…
Love and ((((HUGS))) each!
Sair xx

Nip And A Punch

Something my Dad used to say – "A nip and a punch for the first of the month".  He used to nip and punch us too but only in play of course, he didn’t actually hurt us at all.  My Dad was so mild-mannered and also such fun when we were young children.  He would walk past us and quickly pinch our noses in between his fingers on his knuckles…. or pinch either side of our knees, very quickly and sing loudly, "Bing bong!"  Never hurt us you understand, just made us laugh.  He used to adopt words we first used when we were young children.  For instance, my brother Dean couldn’t say Weetabix (the breakfast cereal) and so, all his life after that, he would refer to them as Dean did when he first started talking, calling them "Wertavwerty".  LOL.  He loved Spoonerisms, as I think I’ve told you before.  That is swapping the beginning sounds of words, jumbling the sounds up.  The boy diagonally opposite us at our house in Carlisle, who we knew from my school, was called Martin Foulder and of course my Dad would call him "Fartin’ Moulder" LOL.  He also *always* referred to the confectionary Walnut Whips as "Will not warps".  LOL.  My Dad was such fun and I only ever once saw him lose his temper and that was only for just a few minutes and he was back to his normal easy-going self.  In his later years he could be a demanding, fussy old sod and I did complain a few times about him here in this diary over the years but I did love him so much too and I miss him dreadfully.  Hitting the first of May has reminded me not only of his habit of saying, "Nip and a punch for the first of the month" but the 12th May was his birthday.  He would have been 79 this month.  Miss him as just someone to talk with about all sorts of things.  He became my greatest companion in his later years.  We kept each other company.  Didn’t speak much on the phone because we used to go round at least once a week, every week to see him properly and do things for him.  If I could have a special wish or magic powers, I’d have him back, in the blink of an eye…..  {sigh}

Hoping to get away at 4 today.  Was in early and I have some credit before I take my flexi-day so I might as well.

Don’t fancy soup today.  I have cereal and chocolate so I guess I shall have some cereal for my lunch today.  Cereal I like *any* time.  :)

Will make a conscious effort to reply to comments later today.  Linda!  Richard!  CP!  Thanks for comments left yesterday.  Talk to ya later me dears.  :)

Sair xx

More Relaxed

Rob’s chat was Saturday night.  Then Dee and I talked and we ordered some food for midweek.  Then I slept through the evening and woke up for Greg’s chat.  Had a lovely shower and went on cam – at midnight-ish.

Greg said he needed some input on what to play.  That is really not him at all.  Normally he has set songs for set people.  Ozz likes Ozzy Osbourne,  Spatzie likes early BGs, Greg knows what everyone likes.  He did part of a show and played some requests for people.  I was really pleased he played At 17 for me by Janis Ian.  I closed my eyes to listen intently to the song and to sing along with all the words, which are meaningful to me.  When the song finished and I looked back up and scrolled up the chat text to see what everyone had been discussing.  Cheese.  Nothing at all about the song.  I think it deserves more attention than that.  I think Sianna said she’s met Janis Ian and liked her.  Hit the back arrow on my diary at the bottom of each page for a few days and you’ll come across a video for that song if I remember rightly.  I think I embedded a YouTube clip of it.

Stayed awake on cam throughout the night.  Managed not to show myself up too much.  Greg, unfortunately had to cut his show short because he wasn’t feeling well.  I felt sorry for him.  It looked like things were not too happy between him and Windy either, unfortunately, but that may just be because Greg was feeling unwell.  He put an old show on and we all listened along, including him.  It was a show from 4 years ago and I thoroughly enjoyed the music from that…. when I stayed awake.  Yes, folks, I dozed off on cam again.  But I don’t care.  Neither do they!  :)  They can laugh all they want – I don’t mind if it gives them a source of fun.

Dee came in for her dinner money £12.50 for her 5 days at school – lunches.  I decided not to rush off to work so I waited until most people had said their goodbyes before I took off to work.

Something happened to me at work today but as I now have to censor myself and all my words, I cannot tell you about it.  I do not have the freedom to talk to you about my entire day, even though I desparately want to.

Still no word on the new diary.   {sigh}

I’ve been lazy and had Rice Krispies for lunch.  I don’t care.  I’ve been awake for 14 and a half hours now and am starting to get sore eyes from so much screen watching.  Can’t wait to get home and get some kip ready for another shower and another all-night chat.  I know it’s wrong but I just have to be there.  Difference now is, I’m more relaxed usually there now.  No expectations.  Even the kind-of troll with no social skills has been rather nice, so that’s been a surprise.  Have had good fun over the past couple of nights.  I will be able to catch up on sleep on Tuesday night and then pop in to see Jim and Hank on Tuesday morning, before work, in their chat.  The same people frequent the same chat rooms every week and they have become good friends to me.  I’m getting to know each of them a little better every day.

I’ve got to parcel up some presents for my cam chat friends this week.  I’m expecting stuff to come in the grocery shop on Wednesday.  I have Friday off work so should be able to post everything then.  Or the Saturday following, when Dee can maybe go to the Post Office to help me carry all the weight of the parcels!  People in the chat room must think of me as the crazy, dozy, woman who keeps sending gifts. Haha!  I like to send stuff.  Spreads a few smiles.

I feel very, very uncomfortable right now but cannot tell anyone why.  I shall just suffer in silence….

Time for me to prepare to get back to work after my lunch break…

Later me dears…
Sair xx
(Fatigued and not in the right frame of mind to comment on comments right now….later, yes dears.)

Meticulously Organised?

Do you always read instructions when you buy something new?  Do you lay flat all the contents of flat-pack furniture before starting to assemble?

For me the answer to the latter is yes.  Absolutely.  No point in proceeding to sweat buckets over construction if all the bits aren’t there.  I’ve put together a 3 drawer, 2 cupboard, 4 shelf mammoth computer desk for old-fashioned tower and large monitor PC before.  On my own, using walls and furniture as extra "pairs of hands" to assist in slotting pieces together.  I’m very proud of my achievements, made much easier by the use of planning – laying out all pieces along with little pieces of paper indicating their letter or number on the corresponding instructions.  Aren’t I good?!

If I buy a hoover.  They’re pretty much all the same aren’t they.  Find the power plug, find the on switch and you’re away.  We can get by like that with a lot of stuff can’t we.  Kettles.  Come on – you can’t tell me you read the instructions meticulously for *that* do you?  No, of course you don’t.  You’re too parched to do that!  LOL.

I couldn’t work out why I couldn’t burn my WAV files to a disc using Toast.  WAV files are for PCs!  How silly of me not to realize that fact until many, many, many tries to burn without success and eventually reading the bloody instructions for Toast – converting files.  I did try and get an "audio CD" that will play on virtually anything, not just purely on this mac.  I burned the first Help! Deluxe (Purple Chick) disc a few minutes ago and am listening to the result.  Very nice it is too.  BUT will it play on a normal CD player with what I think is an "AIFF" file, converted from a WAV file?  I have no idea because I didn’t read the instructions enough to know.  LOL.  Trial and error with me.  Haha!  If it doesn’t play on Dee’s CD player it’s back to the drawing board to try and figure out just how to burn the rest…. I could always put each disc’s files onto my portable drive, take them across to the PC and burn them as WAV files on that…. but that’s just like too much bother.  And I even have a lead which lets me easily switch from one screen to another on one machine too!  How clever is that?  Never used it yet, silly me.  I get gadgets sometimes and just forget I’ve got ’em!!!

I’ve still got a lot to learn about using this mac.  Both play mp3s.  I didn’t even think about the fact that my mac might not play or burn WAV files.  I’ll get it right eventually.

This Purple Chick set is very enjoyable!  Lovely and clear.  Love those tom-toms!!  :)

Dentist for me tomorrow.  This means I have to go out with the school kids on the bus.  Probably no seat.  Standing in a crowd.  Most of them get off the bus when we get off the main avenue to go to St. Bede’s School or The Sixth Form College so I will get a seat before too long if the traffic jam queues are not too bad leading up to them.

I need to get some boxes for the Jelly Babies and Jam for my friends from the Post Office after work.  I’m hoping to get out early at 4.

The harmonies in the song Yes It Is are so complex!  I just adore those voices all together like that.  It’s just fantastic!!

I’ve been a good girl and have been eating my pills at the right time and the correct amounts.  It’s been so easy to miss them out because time flies around and I just forget sometimes.

I love the lead vocal on Bad Boy too.  John’s voice is superb!

I told Cavern friends about Paul and Liz’s wedding being tomorrow (Friday) and gave them info about them being together in the U.S.A. and how they’ve found themselves a great new home!  Tonight I sent a couple of Jacquie cards.  One for Paul and Liz and another, special one for Liz, which will arrive at 1 a.m. GMT, in about an hour and a half.  It’s still before 6 p.m. in Cincinnatti, so it’s early for the wedding.  The timing of it doesn’t matter.  I just want them both to know I’m thinking about them a lot and wishing them good luck and a happy, happy day.  Chances are they won’t see the cards because they’ll be far too busy either having fun with friends or preparing last minute things for the wedding day.  I don’t mind if the cards don’t get picked up because they’re busy.  It really doesn’t matter.  I have just wanted to express my love to them both.  I’m feeling quite a bit cut up about not being able to be there actually but I did, happily, assist the groom and "Best Woman" in a special way, by way of a wedding present, to help everything along towards a perfect day.

Managed to sign into my other email address mail box online that I couldn’t access because of my PC laptop being out of order for internet for the time being.  So…. I’ve got lots of emails generated when you, my friends, have left me lots of comments.  There were a couple I’d missed….(one from Paul at the beginning of this month, letting me know he’d moved home from UK to US – quite an important piece of info to miss LOL)….. so I’m going to have another Comments on Comments entry here soon to catch up with you all.  You take the time and effort to send me little notes by way of the comment button (below) so it’s only right that I should acknowledge them.  I should really delete the nonesense ones too but I don’t really like to because that would be like not keeping this a true record of my life, wiping out those…..  I usually keep ALL comments, so they can all be read still.

Nearly 12 midnight now.  Tired eyes which need sleep.  I may join the last few minutes of Rob’s show early in the morning, if he’s still around.  If I feel too tired, I won’t bother.

Goodnight friends…
Feel free to comment!  Love reading your comments, always!
Sair xx


Slow day at work so the day was long.  No nice things to eat at work either.  Just my boring soup, as usual.

After work we went to Dee’s doctor appointment.  Tracy (our doc) was puzzled at the strange, unusual story of the latest events in Dee’s dodgy health.  First we have to dump the contraceptive pill she has been using at the end of this pack, then we have an alternative pill for Dee to take.  Different combination of Oestrogen and Progesterone.  Higher Progesterone, I think she said.  We have to try THAT for 6 months – 3 packs before a break/period, then another 3 packs before we go back to either get another pack of the same or report that we need another combination of hormones.  I had the good sense to request that the doctor send a letter to Dee’s school to confirm the symptoms she has been suffering, the treatment she has received and the ongoing problems to get them off our backs about attendance.  I think Dee’s attendance is about 85% now.  The doc said she’d have to divulge health information.  Dee and I are happy for her to do that so that we aren’t under pressure to get Dee into school when she can’t walk without holding onto walls etc., dizzy and at risk of falling again and so we don’t have to feel guilty when we have to phone up when Dee’s off school on consecutive days so often.  We have nothing to feel guilty about, obviously, but it annoys me to think that THEY might be thinking that we are in collusion and Dee is truanting when she’s clearly not.  It just makes things official, that’s all.  Dee has to be careful with her weight too.  If she goes up any more in weight, she will have to ditch the pills and have an INJECTION!  She does NOT like needles so she has an incentive to lose weight now.  LOL.  Don’t want her getting clots etc.  Salads.  Lots of salads.  It’s persuading her to eat "rabbit food" that’s going to be *my* problem.  :)

The food shopping arrived and I’m just about to make  myself a peanut butter and jam sarnie for my tea.  Because that’s just what I fancy!  :)

Some trousers I bought on eBay arrived but I haven’t checked them out yet.  Hope they’re OK for me.

It’s quite cold in here tonight – once I’ve finished my sandwich and enjoyed some choc, I intend to wrap myself up in the best – softest and warmest – dressing gown I’ve ever had and then snuggle down into my duvet covers and watch telly for a while.

Comments on comments………

Linda – an ex-Brit, now Canadian has gone on her hols in the USA!  Glad to hear you’re having a good time Linda.  With lots of Dear Diary friends too!!!  That’s great!  Bet you’re happy I introduced you to DD now aren’t you dear?!  😉  Looking forward to checking out ALL of your pics.  I know you’ll have taken loads.  Did you take your dogs and cat with you or are your neighbours looking after them?  Perhaps your son is looking after them.  Just wondering.  I am quite familiar with the songs of the blackbird Linda and I really don’t think it was any bird I’ve heard before.  When I hear a song THAT pretty, I always immediately think – is that a nightingale?  Up here?  Up north?  Only one that’d seriously lost its way perhaps.  LOL!

David – don’t fret!  I found *some* of my Thyroxine tablets and have taken my usual dose.  Presumably a cumulative affect will bring my thyroid back into stability again.  I hope so anyway.  I wouldn’t like to take a whole load at once, that’s for sure.

Richard – glad of your company and your kind comments, as ever.  I hope your day is good too!  Always happy to see comments from my DD friends.  :)

Back’s hurting again….enjoyed my sarnie….now I’m going to lie down and relax……

Can’t wait to get my cake boxes of 90 minute discs so I can burn my A/B Road WAV files.  Guess what?  When I’ve finished with A/B Road and burned all of the discs in the Beatlegs set, guess how many I will have accumulated?  This must surely be the biggest, longest set of Beatles bootlegs I’ve ever come across………… about 80 discs.  Yeah EIGHTY!  I’m not going to get all of THAT done in one weekend am I?!  LOL.  It’s every single note, every voice that was captured throughout the recording of the Let It Be/Get Back sessions during January 1969.  Everything is on there.  I have, of course, heard much of this before on the Twickenham Sessions, 30 Days etc. but to hear every single utterance, note etc. in consecutive order will be verrry interesting indeed.  Doug Sulpy’s DDSI book – the latest signed hardback edition will be in my hand as I listen, so I can read and listen and really get into every single second of the recordings.  I shall relish the experience.  With a tinge of sadness as I listen to and read about the slow disintegration of the Beatles as a group.  No doubt the preparation and burning of the discs themselves – inputting all the information before burning – will be quite a chore, but well worth it in the end.  I will prepare, burn and then listen to each disc in turn.  That way I get to enjoy them along the way.  I LOVE BEATLEGS!!  😀

OK I *am* going to get some rest now…. there’s  a good programme about hyenas on the telly I’m enjoying.  Much more than the Heathen Millstone programme that was on 4 last night.  {sigh}

Later dear friends…..
Sair xx

Sainsburys, Vodafone, Dictionary and Secure Passwords

By ‘eck I’ve been a busy person in my spare time today.  At half 6 Dee and I did a Sainsburys grocery shop online.  It’ll arrive between 7 and 8 tomorrow evening.  It’s going to be a bit later than usual because Dee and I are going to the Doctor again about Dee’s illness.  I have reminded Dee this evening that she needs to bring her diary of events to the appointment so she can show the pattern of her illness – how she’s been affected physically and when.  It’s such a bloody nuisance.  Appointment is for 20 past 5.  I can be out of work at 5 and be at the doctor’s surgery for about 10 past because it’s just a short walk away from where I work.  Dee is going to pop into Carphone Warehouse and see if she can get a lead for my new phone which I can use for hooking up via USB for getting music and photos on and off the phone before we meet up at the surgery.

I went on the Vodafone website and registered Dee’s new phone but couldn’t get to organise the top up.  Dee’s going to get some credit on her new phone again so I can phone up to arrange for us to be able to top up anywhere from the mobile phone itself, using my password (i.e. Dee cannot top up her phone on her phone, only me).  I have a number I can phone to get it all sorted.

I bought a really good dictionary this evening, online.  The one we have at work is bloody useless.  I find it difficult to find any words I need in there.  When my new dictionary comes I shall put my own details in (to ensure everyone knows it’s my own personal copy of a decent Oxford Dictionary rather than the useless Collins) and then use it frequently, as I need it, when I’m working.

I downloaded a good program for keeping secure passowords.  It was recommended on a mac forum I know so I thought I’d give it a try.  Haven’t yet mastered it unfortunately.  I’m going to watch more instructional videos and read the help files for getting the best out of it and sooner or later it’ll all click.  It’s certainly an excellent resource to have.  I’m sick and tired of having too many passwords – different ones as it’s unsafe to have them all the same – and trying to remember them.  This way the secure program will store it all for me.

Saw a good EastEnders tonight.  Minty’s portrayal of someone in love didn’t come across very well though I thought.  Should be a good week of EE.  I’ve missed such a lot of Corrie and can’t catch up online cause I’m on a mac.  ARGH!

Nearly midnight and I should be getting some kip for work tomorrow.  Spending all day looking at a computer screen and then all evening too isn’t doing my eyesight any favours.

I must write out a card for Bronia’s (my neice’s) 30th birthday which is on Saturday and get it posted on the way to work.  There’s a lovely, handly post box next to the bus stop where I alight the bus before work.  Perfect!  THIRTY!  That makes me feel so old.  I remember being 18 and feeding her in her high chair when she was just a baby.

I haven’t taken my thyroxine pills for about a week now because I think they disappeared down the side of my bed, next to the wall.  I’m going to have to find them soon.  What are the affects of no thyroxine after a while?  I don’t feel good at the moment and I bet that’s why.  I need to do a search on the floor soon.  But not now.  I’m too damned tired.

Oh and my socks arrived today.  Good old Mick remembered to put my mail in the milk box for me.  Nice fresh soft-top large socks for me tomorrow and some comfortable shoes too!  If it’s not raining too much.  It is forecast for tomorrow but I’d like to wear my comfy shoes instead of my winter clodhoppers for a change.

It was warmer outside the house than inside when I got in from work today. 

Dee changed over my Sim card so I could keep my old phone number on my new phone.  I don’t have to tell everyone a new number after all.  Plus I’ve *nearly* memorized the old one too!  I’d never remember the new one.  I do so hope Carphone Warehouse will sell Dee the USB lead separately tomorrow.

My back is *really* hurting.  Time to take a quick trip to the loo and then settle down for some sleep…..

Sair xx

90 Minute CDRs

Was up early this morning.  Checked to see who was online on Stickam.  Only Donna.  I decided to go looking for those higher capacity CDRs.  I have a complete set of A/B Road FLAC and WAV files all ready to burn on my mac but can’t get Toast to deal with the files because they are just too large.  I found some 90 Minute discs online this morning and ordered enough for me to get the set burned and off the hard drive.  I’m really looking forward to hearing all those at long last.  I’ve waited a LONG time to hear them.  I left a delivery message for the courier company to leave the package next door if I’m not in.  I hope they arrive before the weekend, then I can get stuck in with enjoying the music.  I have only unpacked one disc’s worth of FLAC to WAV because the files are so big.  WAV is THE best – no loss of quality.  For those who don’t know, the A/B Road set is a Beatleg (Beatles bootleg) set of the A and B rolls of Let it Be material.  I’ve heard it before in other ways but I believe this set is going to be really enjoyable to listen to.  I’ll dig out my Doug Sulpy books and get stuck in after I’ve posted off the Jelly Babies for Donna and Spatzie early on Saturday morning.

A very loud bird with a very varied song was perched on one of the walkway trees this morning as I went past, watching the dogs being taken for their walks too.  I could still hear the one bird louder than the rest even when I’d got all down the hill to the bus stop.  I wish I could have stayed for a long time and just sat on the wall and listened.  I could’ve listened for hours.  It was so beautiful, clear, loud and varied.  My dad knew birdsong well.  I wish I’d been able to record the sound on my mobile phone and play it back for him so he could tell me what it was.  My parents seemed to know everything there was to know about everything – Google is no substitute, believe me.  :)  I remember a particularly cheeky robin that used to perch on my dad’s spade as he worked in the garden in years gone by.  The robin and Belle, our Golden Retriever dog used to love being out there with him.  Belle was a man’s dog and there was nothing she loved more than just sitting out on the patio next to him, watching him, sniffing the air and watching the birds fly around the garden.  I miss seeing all that.  I miss my parents such a lot.  Such intelligence and warmth.  {sigh}

Time to look on the net for a decent Pocket Oxford Dictionary again… the one at work is practically useless!!

Drinking my soup and surfing….
See ya later…
Sair xx

Shawshank Redemption

The film Shawshank Redemption is just so good.  I expected to find the usual Saturday night rubbish on telly this evening but Channel 4 is showing this fantastic film right now.  It is amongst my top five favourite films of all time.  If you haven’t seen it yet, you should.  And soon.  It’s a masterpiece.  I’m logging off now to enjoy this film for about the fifth time.  Never tire of watching it.

Have a good evening yourself too!

Sair xx