The start of sharing my depression...
Ive had depression for about 4-5 years now and had treatment by a phsycarist for two months. I'm on 5 tablets a day but nothing seems to be working. I've been so depressed for ages and tried so many times to end my life but I get too scared everytime I try. I aways think about family & friends when I do try. I know I shouldn't but its getting to me so much now so i thought i'd write this blog to store all my feelings for people to comment and help me try and get over this crap in my head.
When you have depression it's like you have another voice in your head telling you what to do and when... for example -
one day i was drivingto work, crying so much i could hardly see and this voice in my head was telling me to drive into the center resivation and just end it there and then, but my brain was making me think of my family and friends and what would happen to them when i was gone. I started to cry even more because I couldn't cope with this self argument. I stopped at a lay by and cried my eyes out. I slapped myself around the face and was shouting at myself....
most people whom read this will think Im mad but others will see that im depressed and need help and fast.
I cant help how i feel and dont know why but i need answers soon!!!
I started drinking when i was 16-17 at college.... i started off with two of three beers a day but then ended up with a crate and it went on from there. One drink after another I hid my depression under the drunkenness. My mum thought i was depressed because i started having mixed emotions, such as laughing histrycally for no reason or crying for no reason.... this happened for a good few years thenI went to see doctors on the NHS but they just said i was drinking too much (pisshead) and that i had to stop it. after a good few weeks i had stopped drink alltogether to find out if it was drink or not. the mood swings didnt stop and it got worse n worse too the point where my family hated me and the ways i were.
Now ive had two or three months treatment therapy and on 5 tablets a day - its got to a point where im back on drink to help me cope as im getting the voice back telling me to kill myself and dont worry about it....
My dad has been sitting in my room trying to reason with me and find out why im feeling like this but now he has gone out for a walk as he cant cope with this anymore. oH i forgot to mention.... my mum has the same thing as me but its anxiety not depression that ive got...
Well i'm off to bed soon ... comment as you wish. Will post everyday .... hopefully.
Mwah xxx
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