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26 May 2003 - Waiting for Necropsy Results.
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To all, ((((((((((((( Hugs)))))))))))). How I love all of you for all the support and expression of condolences. I know it is not easy to express sorrow to those who have lost any life that is important to them, and words are often hard to find to express that sorrow you feel. I've been in your shoes, on the opposite side of the fence, with healthy birds while others have lost their loves. It hurts deeply to hear and read a loss as we so easily find our selves looking at our own birds, feeling what it must be like to loss that little love in the corner. I have been doing more research on PDD, and I've had some very wonderful people. One good thing is, those who are involved in this research and the people living with PDD are very very eager to reach out to you and support, help and answer questions. EAch case of PDD can offer something new to the research which can (you never know) offer either a break through, or at least some sort of confirmation or statistic that again, further helps in fighting PDD. The strange things that have occured with Austin which are not so typical with PDD birds is that his heart was "Enlarged" (description from DR. Taylor). A birds heart indeed can take strain during any illness and sometimes it can work overtime which in turn can cause swelling or enlargement. (I think)
The strange thing with Austin, is that these neurological seizures, happened in one day worsening over the day. On the other hand, I am learning there are different ways PDD can effect a bird. What happens to one, doesn't always happen to another. Which makes research and finding what we need to know about PDD that much more difficult. there is no pattern. I was told by another Dr, that there still are many other problems that could have caused PDD like symptoms and death in Austin. Of coarse, it still can be PDD, but i guess some of the strange existances in Austins case make for a tag of hope, we are dealing with something else. We still await Necropsy results . We received an invitation to have Austins Picture/memorial and story on a beautiful PDD Memorial Quilt. This brings some peace in my heart, because Austin will always be remembered and others around the world will have the chance to get to know how special he was and how horrifying this disease is to deal with. I HATE PDD! I'll keep you informed the minute I hear of our results. As for my other babies, all are doing okay. I check poops all day long and that alone brings heart sinking moment as you do so......for fear of finding reason to believe the enemy has grasped on of your babies.
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26 May 2003 - Verbal Response to Necropsy
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I'm afraid it's not good news. It appears we are indeed dealing with PDD.* **Tears and sobbing*
Necropsy showed a not too largely enlarged proventriculus and crop, but the ventriculus and the nerves where affected badly. The ventriculus walls where very very thin, so basically, food was not being absorbed. PDD can be brewing in any one of my babies right now, it might have already been brewing since Austin was introduced to everyone else, then again, it might not. Then again, some birds may be harbouring, and some may never suffer PDD. Some may always be carriers.What a sickening thought. Never knowing. I can't handle this. I guess there isn't much I can do now. *feeling hopeless* I guess, I have no choice but to just accept that is the way it is and somehow find the strength, the courage to deal with what may or may not lie ahead. ?? Im scared. Im scared to death. You look at each one of your babies and ask , Will it be you? Or will be that one? Who will it be next?. I think im just so numb that I can't really express myself appropiately at this time. Final testing and 100 percent results will be here tommorrow. Hearing yes, 100 percent it was PDD, won't change the reaction on my face I have today, nor the reaction I had on my face the day I lost Austin. Our only hope now is supportive care, drugs and care of vets. Finally Dr. Taylor was able to give me a list of what we are to do next. And because of having a plan of action, I , At least feel I am doing something to stop another loss of one of my babies and hang onto hopes that they can live long enough tilll we find a cure. So. Today we start Emily and Owen on Meloxicam . If PDD is within them and brewing, it will make a difference. I guess? I hope? We make a list now of each tiny little thing about each bird that we ever questioned. And then we non-invasively investigate each of those things. I can do no more then pray now and hope for the best. I know one thing, I cannot withstand losing one baby after another. So it simply cannot happen. Lastly, I have no idea how on earth I am going to give orally or injectable to my breeder JoJo. Man, this bird has just started coming around and now to do this?. Any suggestions to give JoJo his dosage of oral medication? Any kind of tricky way to give it too him. He won't take syringes of food.......remember he is wild caught.
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26 May 2003 - Feeling sorry for myself
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Yep. Bad luck in just about every area of my life to be honest. I guess, I still don't believe it. I look around and wonder, just how this could be true. I wish I had someone, or something to blame, but I don't. There is no blame with PDD unless someone willingly and knowingly passes and /or takes chances in passing this disease to others. Which I don't think is the case with these guys. However, plans to contact that breeder are in order to if nothing more, let them know that this is a possibility so that they can keep an eye on their breeding stock.Anways, how envious I am of all of you now. Boy, things just arent the same anymore. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me and now, they too might be taken away.
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26 May 2003 - Mourning
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I have still, unswered questions about our future, treatment. What is realistic to expect. The only thing that keeps any kind of sanity, is "feeling"or "wishing" or "hoping" that the Meloxicam does a miracle. Hoping that if there is anything brewing, it stops the damage before it gets to a stage where their lives are grave danger. It's difficult to know what the realistic expectations should be. It's hard as hell doing, treating and wishing......without hope, or to know that no matter what you do, all those beautiful babies in which raised with my own hands and own heart, will die. To love something fully and completely knowing death is the result, is easy on one hand, but hard on the other. You fear more and deeper attachment cuz it will hurt even more later. It's like I don't want to teach any more words, because to hear them and to miss them someday just breaks my heart and its almost to much to bear just thinking of it. As far as JoJo goes. It won't be easy. He still does not step up. So i'll have chase him down to the ground, towel him and just pray it doesn't stress to the point he becomes extremely nerotic during the process of this daily treatment. So you see, there are many things that will change in our lives that go against all that i've done and tried to do for them to create the best stress free enviornment, providing the best possible life for them that I can. Now, a big hammer is wedged in that and I guess I need to find the strength to find something good out of the bad.
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