It's impossible to show you and make you feel what I feel through words typed on pretty flowered paper. If you have ever been pationate about something or someone, lived your life for that love, and have lost a pet or human to Illness then you'll understand. You'll feel my pain, fear and sorrow. You'll understand the thoughts I have and see my tears through your computer screen.When you've been told your worse nightmare has come true, at some point beyond the pain, the tears, the fear, the anger...you reminise. You desperately dig through your head to capture the good times, the memories that you want to make sure are imbedded deeply within your mind, body and soul.
I'll always remember each of my beloved parrots and their individual stories. How God brought me to each one of them. How I've been able to earn their trust to be able to hold them, touch them, play with them and teach them. I'll always remember the individual personalities that each and every single one of them so beautifully holds and never forget how each one of them brought something so special to my life.
Human words are painful to hear. The beautiful, sweet sounds each one makes is like music to my ears. The words they say and the fact they all have learned what some of the words and sentences mean and can talk in context, understanding what specifically it is they mean when they say a word or phrase.
Every sound, every word I hear has a such a powerful impact on my heart at this time, its not possible to describe to you. Is it the last time i'll hear "mommy come back" when I leave the room?. Is the last time I ever hear "mommy, I love you"? Or "don't be scared, it's okay"? Tears flow one after the other with the reality of PDD in our home.
Those words spoken are equivalent to my very own bible. Something I treasure deeply. More then I've treasured anything in my life.
We've had a wonderful life together so full of great moments. Infact, I can't think of a bad moment. They can do wrong in my eyes.
The memories I treasure. In a way, it's very scary to start new memories, by teaching new games, new words for the fear that in doing so, the pain will only increase if we shall fall victim to further PDD deaths.
But somewhere inside my breaking heart there exists a force beyond my recongition, beyond my knowledge that it could exist....im not sure what to call it, but the passion to continue to making memories is much stronger then the fear is losing and hurting more.
Perhaps that is what loving unconditionally really means......
