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9 Apr 2008 - 12 Hours Sleep
Went to sleep at about half 6 yesterday evening and woke up this morning at about 10 past 6 and lay still for 20 minutes with my eyes closed, just resting before putting BBC Breakfast on the bedroom telly. My shower was very refreshing indeed and I used some of the perfume spray that my boss gave me for Christmas. I thought I was sufficiently awake to go to work. No.
When I got to work and took my coat off I discovered I'd put on my UMRK t-shirt! Oh dear! Couldn't wear that for work. Kept my coat on and rang Dee, asked her to bring the other black t-shirt for me to change into. Luckily she's on two weeks' school holiday at the moment. She brought me one of my other black t-shirts - one my Dad bought for me in Paris. We didn't have mobiles so Dee stood waving on the pavement outside of work to catch my attention rather then texting me when she arrived.
This morning has been sunny but we had a shower shortly before lunchtime. Nearly time to get the sandals out again. :)
I am definitely NOT going to go in Jim's or Rob's chat. Just Greg's. Better music. ;)
Dee has been hassling me over the last three days. She wants another mobile phone. Dee is also leaving her belongings strewn all over my house. She's on holiday from school and yet she still makes more mess....there is hair dye stuff all over my bathroom.... really just stuff dumped all over really. I'm NOT getting her another mobile phone. She does often cook for me down in the kitchen and, of course, that's really good of her and I appreciate it. I'm not happy about the other stuff though so I am going to ignore Dee's requests for a new mobile. Rewarding her for slovenly behaviour is not good. It's not right. So I'm not going to do it. She's had plenty of opportunity before now to prove willing to earn herself a new mobile but at the moment she is just saying that all her friends have mobiles and she's the only one who doesn't and it's my fault that she is losing all her friends! Of course! It would HAVE to be MY fault! LOL. If the constant requests for a new mobile become too much I shall put on my Nano headphones. Going to recharge my Nano tonight and get the new podcasts downloaded onto it. Ready for work.
Note to self..... I must recharge the toothbrush and renew toothbrush head too.....
I may try looking on the net for some online crossword-making site. The last one I tried didn't quite work did it? Remember the Beatles one I tried but it didn't make the boxes up right so I abandoned it, not putting up answers. I fancy making another Beatles crossword and putting up on this diary, just for fun, for my Beatles-fan friends another self-made crossword. That would be fun making up and seeing who could solve not just the easy clues but the cryptic ones too. Heh heh. :) If any of you reading this know of a good one online I can use - let me know by clicking on the comments button, the grey one...at the bottom of this page. :)
Going to read a bit of that celeb magazine now..... the one I bought the other day, uncharacteristically for me.
Need a rest from typing - only taking a 3/4 flexi lunch today.
Oh and Spatzie! I'm going to put that Charlie Drake YouTube thing on here later - "My Boomerang Won't Come Back". Isn't it funny that we asked Greg for that and then Australian Susie "snot" came into the cam chat?! That was so coincidental! Not that G could make the connection, he was too busy ignoring our repeated requests for the track. :) He was good to me however, playing My Old Man's A Dustman and Ernie - two well known Brit tracks. He does try to keep us happy. He played BBC Beatles Youngblood for me and another track for you when you asked. We can't expect him to read absolutely everything that comes up. He must get a stack of requests that we don't even see sometimes. Roll on next weekend when I can prop up my eyelids yet again!! LOL.
Later dear readers... Love, Sair (or Seh or Sarah!) XXX
9 Apr 2008 - Oh What's The Point....
Feeling very down this evening. Dee and I have fallen out. I haven't raised my voice to her but my show of indifference has had Dee racing from anger to tears and back again - three times. She apologised after her outbursts and demands and blaming. Again. I told her to just get some sleep. Being tired doesn't help anyone. We are both tired.
I've been listening to Sunday/Monday's UMRK Web Radio podcast. Even though I was present when it was live/recorded and I also listened to the replay all through.
I have no idea how this will all end but I've had enough of living this way.
Spatzie - I apologize - I can not be bothered to go looking for that Charlie Drake link and it's not that funny anyway. I don't know why I thought it was. It's a very old song. Pathetic really.
Please pass on my apologies to Donna/Brittany too - haven't sent Jelly Babies boxes.
Feeling down and depressed. Can't shake it off. I've just been so niaive and stupid. Over the past four months. I'm going to listen to the end of this podcast. Then I'm not going to be here anymore. I always go back to cam chat and I always go back to this diary - before now, yes. At this very moment in time, I feel like everything in my life is hopeless. I feel incredibly lonely and useless and really don't see any point in doing any of this stuff anymore.
I AM a useless, lazy, slothful mother you know. Used the internet as a distraction to prevent me thinking about all the things that needed attention. Dee has not had the mother love to the extent she should have had.
I've been trying to be "up" in chat rooms, but that's not me. I'm STILL wary, frightened, terrified even sometimes because of just being in the company of men because of that lad when I was a child and because of my ex-husband, Tony's constant mental and physical abuse through drink. Doesn't matter that most of them in the cam chat are sweet and harmless. i don't seem to be able to shake off the past. Crying because of being destined to always be alone. Running away again. But you're used to that now aren't you?
I'm just so down.
"Oh....what's the point"
Sick of being... erm.....yes - just sick of being.
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