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29 Mar 2008 - Jam and Jelly Babies For Donna
Well you should be proud of me. I didn't give in to my curiosity and desire. I did NOT go into any cam chatrooms last night. I started reading David Attenborough's "Life On Air" Autobiography, snuggled down into my lovely bed covers and slept through the night on GMT time! I'm proud of myself for not going back. I need to keep my distance away from "him", although it is very, very hard.
This morning, I've changed my twitter message (www.twitter.com) and wrapped the Tiptree jam and jelly babies up in protective bubble wrap for posting and written the addresses on the PostPak. All I've got to do now is have a wash, get dressed and hop on a bus into town to post it. I don't really like going into town on Saturdays. Don't like leaving the house now for one thing - becoming a bit of an agoraphobic lately - doing the work run and nothing else. But I just don't like the crowds. I don't feel comfortable around all those people. Much the same as being in those cam chatrooms I suppose. :)
I will admit to being curious about what happened at Beatlefest with Hank and Jim last night but it's in everyone's interest that I just stay away and I DID. :D
Have to do some housework later but I fancy exploring this mac more. I watched an "Ask The Techies" podcast episode the other day where they explained using iWeb. The making and publishing of all sorts of template pages to dot mac looks so easy, simple. I fancy having a go. I've already published a photo but at the same time, published a podcast page which has published the latin template. LOL. Have to change that ASAP. :) Or take it down at least!
Later friends, Love, Sair xx
29 Mar 2008 - All Done
Dee got properly dressed and put her make up on then joined me on the bus to town. We sat next to each other! We never normally do that! I must be a source of such embarrassment to Dee in her teenage years. :) I'm not dressed in the right clothes you see. {g}
I noticed that Dee's favourite shop in town, recently moved to bigger space, has it's own website. This must be the only modern shop around for miles. Stockton is such a backwards town. A ghost town. Middlesbrough nearby has all the choice but I wish Dee's friends, the proprietors of this shop, all the best for a successful business. Take a look - Enter The Asylum :)
Going to read more of David Attenborough's "Life On Air" book now, lying down on my bed, in comfort and then just drift off to sleep if I feel drowsy. This is what time off work is for. Reading and relaxing. Aaaahhhhh. : D
Later, my dears. Sair xx
29 Mar 2008 - Relaxed
I've had a great day and feel like I'm beginning to rejoin the land of the living. I have spent far too much of my time over the past three months just existing, tired, on American time. I've had a wonderful sleep after posting Donna's box to Florida, reading some of David's book and just relaxing. I've missed three months worth of EastEnders and Coronation Street. Became a different person. I intend to just not follow HIM around Stickam any more - it's killing me but I MUST stay away. Still on my mind 24/7 but I have to cure myself of my crush.
I feel a bit lost. I know that Rob's on tonight and HE will be around. I have to stay away and I will. How, I don't know. But I will. It's so easy to get there and I have to stop myself.
Dee has just shouted up the stairs that she's enjoying the Johnny Depp Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film which is showing as a terrestrial film premiere on ITV1 now. She's watching it downstairs and I'm watching it here in my bedroom. She's said she's going to bring me up a Crunchie ice cream! Yum! Dee says the film is more like the book than the original film. I've never read the book - shock! horror! - and I've never seen the original film right through! - so it's all new to me.
Do you have no or very few examination passes - at whatever level? Do you have an inferiority complex sometimes because of it? Think you're inferior because you didn't get results at college or even school? I heard of someone the other day who, I'm told, feels exactly like that. In my experience, everyone is good at something. Like I told you about the plumber who came to give us our annual safety check for the boiler - he said he messed around in school and passed nothing. I spent a full-time year in secretarial college - passed a secretarial exam encompassing many parts, then later in life passed several computer exams, studying part-time, living on benefits, whilst caring for my elderly and ill parents before they passed on. Now I've got myself a respectable job in a typing pool for the local Council. BUT not only does the plumber get paid more than me but the people who stack shelves at the local supermarket at night get paid more than I do! So who's the daft one now?! I know one such person. He is adept at talking with and to people and, along with self-taught website work, does very well. I envy his ability to get on with people well and his eloquency. Everyone is good at something in life. Even if it's good social skills. The ability to get on well with everyone and have good common sense is not always either handed out at birth or learned behaviour in life. Do something you enjoy and life is worth living. I enjoy my typing work very much indeed. I communicate better through these words than by voice and that is why I have always had successful penfriend relationships in early life and, now, friends through this diary. PLUS I have a job I enjoy. Think of what you are good at and go for it. Think of something you're good at AND enjoy and your life will be happy.
Contrary to the impression I give out on this diary, regularly, of being discontent and unhappy and depressed, I often *do* feel very content with my life. Often, this is when my friend here, Linda aka Supertrooper, wakes me up to things I should be grateful for in my life and things I should change. I've been far too wrapped up in one particular person online for three months now and, at the same time, been feeling really uncomfortable and nervous. Now that I've made a definite decision to stay away from him online, all my nervousness and tenseness has disappeared. He can't be that good for me if I get palpitations everytime I'm "near" him, online and I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing so I don't end up crying through the laughing at me and humiliation or anger.
Those three months in those chatrooms were like being immersed in the company of lots of people. Something I would never tolerate in real life. There is NO WAY I would be found in a packed pub. Some people thrive on being all dressed up and standing in a crowded pub at Christmastime, for example, surrounded by other people. That is a kind of nightmare for me - outside my safety zone. I feel so much more relaxed now knowing that I will not be putting myself in that situation again.
Abandoning Stickam altogether seems to be the way forward for me. I think I may log in each day just to check who has an upcoming birthday and send them greetings, because I've come to love a lot of the people who are my Stickam friends. Other than that, I shall not be going on cam myself, just to wait around for Mojo. Waiting around on Skype is a much better idea - that way, I won't have other people join me in my chat, realise they are the only one and then they say their goodbyes. It is so nice to see Bres and Gary and Donna and Hank bother to join me in my chat but as soon as they realise it's just me alone waiting for Mojo, they make their excuses very quickly and disappear. I am not much of a friend or entertaining or funny, so although I have felt very pleased that they wanted to join me, I have been disappointed that they never want to stay long. The one person who has been the nicest to me and the most tolerant is Donna. So I thank her for that. And not forgetting Spatzie who reads my diary! Thank you Spatzie! Always look forward to your friendly emails too. Thanks friend! :) The one person I want to be reading my diary has such a short attention span that he won't. {sigh}.
I must be getting withdrawal symptoms... but I have to change my habits for the good of everyone. "I have my books and my poetry to protect me.... I am alone..... a rock feels no pain and an island never cries"
Are you doing what you want with your life? Do you ever just sit with no telly, no books, no magazines, no radio, no music, no DVDs, no-one around and sit in silence with no distractions at all and just THINK about what you're doing with your life? I think this is something we need to do at least once a month. Are you on the road of your desires? If you think hard and find that you are not, then get a computer pad or a real pad and pen and type up or write down all the things you want in your life - your aims. Then set about changing things! I need to do this now because I'm really drifting through my life without purpose and everyone needs a purpose - whether it be work or play or organisation at work or home. What do you need to do now? Next week? Next month? This year? Formulating ideas and writing them down can lead you through a confirmation process in your head and you can bring things to fruition. Even if it's just making a decision to pursue someone romantically that you've liked as a friend. Even something like that can dramatically change your life - either for the better or for worse - but you'll never know unless you try! :) I'm going to get my pad and pen out this weekend and go through the process of what I want to do, what I want in life. If you do too and would like to share with me, please send me a comment using the grey button at the foot of this page. I'm a very nosey person and interested if I've helped anyone bring about change by just urging you to stop your treadmill of life and just think hard about whether or not you need to change direction.
Some people may just think everything I've written above is just a load of old rubbish and that's alright! I don't mind! I don't have any desire whatsoever to learn about tarrot cards and runes. We all have our own likes and dislikes. Just trying to bring about some positive change for someone, including myself.
This diary is named "Sair's Thoughts". This entry has just been a rambling through my mind of various thoughts without any preparation or structure....
I'm finding it really hard to stop myself from going on Stickam. I have to be strong. Wish me strength....
Love to you all (and thank you for reading this far) Sair xx
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