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27 Mar 2008 - In Limbo
At work so no formatting toolbar. Feel a bit out of it today. Because I've had the beginning of this week off work, it feels like a Monday on a Thursday. Very confusing. I nearly forgot to get the wheelie bins out this morning. When I was getting the Sainsbury's food delivery in yesterday afternoon, Maxine (my next-door neighbour) shouted across to ask if she could use our second bin as hers were overflowing. Of course I said yes immediately. Maxine has been very kind in taking in parcels from Mick and other delivery people when I have been at work, so I am very happy to be able to do her a favour back.
It has been overcast and raining this morning. Gloomy and not at all cheer weather at all. It's been raining quite a lot over the past day or so. It all helps the lovely spring growth though so I don't mind. There is a lack of trees and shrubs in my view out of the office window. Very bleak with concrete, tarmac for the car park.
I've made a decision to stop going in the cam chat rooms anymore. Instead I'm going to work on the house, get it nice. My main goal is to get plants back in the house. I would very much like to have a tricolour Maranta again - such a pretty plant; plus some unusual houseplants which I have had before and so know how to keep healthy. Some people find watching aquarium fish relaxing - I find watering, feeding, spraying plants very relaxing and very pleasing indeed. I don't think I'd like as many as I had in my 20s at my flat in town. I became so good at tending to my plants and propagating that I had a bit of a jungle. My dad was very pleased to see my efforts and told me I'd done well. I think my mother used to constrict the roots a lot and so they didn't get slightly extra space to spread roots and grow bigger. I have a love of coleus - especially the very red ones. I will probably have some of those. For the garden, I fancy some Busy Lizzies. Very bright colour - all the way through to October if we're lucky. Lots of watering and different types of liquid plant food will ensure they fight each other for space and light when they grow, ensuring a very bright show indeed. I've neglected my garden in recent years and the council have cut the overgrown shrubs down. They look awful now but with time and proper pruning they will be nice again.
Feeling a bit lost today. Don't know what to do with myself. Feeling alien to the rest of the world's population of people. They are normal people with friendships and lovers and ups and downs of interaction. I feel like I'm in limbo, in need of some care and attention. Don't think anyone could understand the turmoil I'm in at the moment. I have to ignore my instincts to go into those chats again because they are just too much for me. I did try to get along with others. I've been too sheltered and feel completely out of the loop with those people a lot of the time - uncomfortable. I have to stay away, even if that one person is there and I want to be "near" him. It's all a futile exercise hanging around there. It will be very hard but I have to stay away. I have a feeling I'm going to shed a few tears later today when I force myself to stay away, knowing he may be around the net where I could see him, but will force myself not to. I'm totally pathetic. A insecure, sensitive, fat old git like me has no chance with anyone at this stage in life...
I have some lonely days ahead......but I know it's for the best.
Love to all, Will try and find some more YouTube fun later today. :) Sair xx
27 Mar 2008 - Camberwick Green 1966
Camberwick Green is a programme I watched regularly as a child and I knew all the songs that went with each character. I even had a replica Camberwick Green toy with all the shops in! All of this I remember as if it was yesterday - it is, in fact, 42 years since it was first shown!
27 Mar 2008 - Trumpton
Another childhood favourite. Brian Cant bringing characters to life again. Pugh, Pugh, Barney, McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub - the firemen - every week! Children like repetition. I knew all the songs and sang along. Here are the Trumpton opening scenes....
27 Mar 2008 - Show Comments
I hit the Show Comments button at the bottom of this page and found Linda and Kyra had left me very kind comments indeed.
Do I detect an air of "Shut up moaning, there are people worse off than you" about your comment Linda? {g} You are correct of course. I have much to be thankful for and I'm going to have a go at listing all the good things in my life in a minute.
Kyra - you are sweet, saying really nice things about my Stickam profile photo at the top of the page. You do know that with a webcam picture, we can take as many shots as we like, doctor the shots to make us look better (enhancing and re-touching helps a lot LOL) and choose the one we like the best at the end of the photo shoot session? If only you knew how many I deleted before I settled on that one. :) Computer programmes are our friends now, taking away a lot of our bad sides and enhancing our good sides. That is a way of life now. Photo Booth and iPhoto on my mac produced the shot through the simple built-in iSight camera at the top/centre of my laptop screen/lid.
Things I can be thankful for...
Number one - always - Dee. Goes without saying but I shall scream it out loud anyway. She is everything to me and the reason I stay alive. A roof over our heads. Food to eat. Plenty of fresh water. I very rarely get headaches. I have a job. I have money. We have heating in Winter. I had wonderful parents who gave me and my daughter much love. I have a great sister who is very like me. (We often think so alike we can finish each other's sentences.) Four of my new-found Stickam friends came into a chat I had with Mojo Paul and introduced themselves - I was touched that they wanted to join me!! That meant SUCH a lot. Recognition that I was worth knowing I suppose. Even though the person I have strong feelings for in those chats would never feel the same for me because of my size, I am privileged to have known him for he is thoughtful, kind, always thinking of others, generous, conscientious etc. He has given me special attention and friendship when I didn't deserve it - I have been very annoying and pedantic with him and so he must be royally pissed off wit me but he has tolerated me until this day - the day I choose to stay away for good.
This was supposed to be a list of things I am thankful for but it seems to have drifted into an unrequited love rant again doesn't it? Oh dear! LOL. I can't help it if he's on my mind 24/7. Hopefully, by my staying away, it'll be a case of out of sight, out of mind for the person who is the object of my affections.
I am so temped to go into Rob's chat just to see if 'he' makes an appearance but.....I must be strong. It's 10 to midnight. I am going to turn OFF my mac, brush my teeth and have a wash, settle down to sleep with a new book from the pile of unread ones and NOT switch on the mac / nor go into Rob's chat - no webcam. In the morning I shall put on the telly to watch Breakfast news on BBC and get back to my old routine. He's on my mind 24/7 but he's got other admirers/lovers out there and I come last on the list to someone who's constantly busy and who has the choice of all the beautiful women he wants. Gabrielle again.....Out of Reach! In every sense of the word.... {sigh}.
I'm still losing weight. Slowly. I can't believe how much difference there is in my weight now and the weight I was pre-op - saw some pics from my old website today and was quite shocked at how fat I really was. My trousers, today, are starting to feel baggy. It's a good feeling. Can only get better if I don't go mad all of a sudden. I think being besotted with a certain person has made me more content and so I'm eating less, burning up more reserves and losing weight.
So out of reach, he is .... {sigh} I HAVE to get over him. Try to to forget him. Keep away from him. It's embarrassing just admitting my feelings for him here I hope you know.
Well I had a chat with D and G tonight and I almost had a chat with H. but he disappeared before I got back to him. Weaning myself off going in the cam chats is not sensible. I can only think of 'him' all the time. They are his friends. I have to make a clean break and that break is going to be right NOW. No more Stickam except for me, Mojo and Liz and only then after a long break away from him and his friends I think. It's the only way.
Nearly midnight. I need to find a book. I feel sick. I'm going to miss seeing him or chatting with him tonight.... but it HAS to be this way. Out of sight out of mind for him. Not so with me, unfortunately.
I may just lie down and see if I can sleep without the book to help me sleep. It's been a long day.
Goodnight all - and a special thank you to Linda and Kyra for putting such kind comments below. :) Love, Sair xx
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