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22 Mar 2008 - Waste Of Space
Waste of space - that's me. Went into H & J's chat. D pm'd me and brought up a certain person's name. I responded but sent my response to the whole chatroom by mistake. S jumped on me, basically saying I should mind my own business. He was very strong in his response and of course I started crying. Anger, humiliation - can't handle it. At all. Turned my cam off. Came out of the chat and wailed crying. I had responded in the chat to S, saying he was right I should keep my gob shut and my fingers still, "so I will".
I really feel like a total waste of space now. I really don't care anymore about the person I was so wrapped up in before, because of his over-the-top immature schoolboy humour/antics with his cronies. I can't take criticism. Straight to tears every time. There is a lot to criticise about me. So it's all justified. I feel a need to stay away from absolutely everyone now. I'm so cut up about what just happened.
I feel so lonely and stupid and I wish my parents were still around to talk to. I miss them so much. Those chat room people don't know about me. They don't care. It's all so superficial.
Wishing for that bottle of 40 again right now.
22 Mar 2008 - The Original
22 Mar 2008 - Worth The Wait
Well I cried. A lot. I went back into J's chat. I'm a glutton for punishment. I know. J had taken over from H and played a lot of "mild mood" songs - romantic ballads that wouldn't have gone amiss on Valentine's Day. S sent a few and J played them but I didn't like them. I preferred J's choices. Soppy songs.....really soppy but calming. I enjoyed every one of them. Earlier there had been talk with Donna of a crude nature and so I sat through it all. At the end I just said, "Not my cup of tea, I'd reather discuss Quantum Physics". Sp agreed with me and could see the funny side of that comment. I guess you've got to sit through the horrible to get to the good. S still complained about the amount of ballads being played. So I said I'd enjoyed them all. S. just said something like "I didn't say I didn't like them....." I turned away with my glasses off - felt very churned up inside with the upset over his anger...I know. I"m my own worst enemy. I said, "Pick a fight with someone else S.". I've had enough of him upsetting me and other people. Looked away again. After a while I turned back and there was something he'd posted...."so don't tell me....". Didn't read anymore of it at all. I just thought I would pretend to have some of D's spirit for a second so I just posted "You don't like the music, piss off". I said "troll...internet troll" out loud and I may have been on cam mic but I don't care now if anyone heard it. It seems to be the thing in those rooms - being all lovey dovey and "smooches" and kissing the cam n all that but really they all seem to be "out of sight, out of mind" people, which doesn't sit very well with me really.
Someone calling himself "ILoveOohman" came into the chat. People thought it was R but I think it was G. There are tell tale signs when he enters the room - the name being a giveaway, besides other things. I don't think that R would come in the room as "ILoveOohman" for a start but those two seem to be so involved, like two bloody mischievous young schoolboys that I wonder if they've knocked all decent adult conversation out of each other. {g}
I asked if G had watched the Auf Weidersehen Pet DVDs yet. After discovering that E has taken them, when they were a present for G, not her, and that it looks like she's stopping him from watching them, I am feeling really annoyed. It's just a comedy. Harmless fun. So why would she keep a gift addressed to him? Is she controlling? If so, I pity him. He seems so very miserable lately and I'm sure that relationship must be part of it. Staying together for the kids is very noble but not always the best thing if the whole thing impacts on your own sense of self-worth and happiness. He should come and doss in our spare room for a while and gain back some freedom and self-worth, enough to enjoy life more. Oops, not minding my own business again. I don't care. I'm doing a bit of speaking my mind here, D style, and it feels good.
So all that exchange of words with G yesterday about my not liking all that Peel swearing stuff. Him saying J & P swore etc. I understand that. I expect some swearing but constant use of the F word is not clever, it's not eloquent, it's funny for the likes of 8 year olds and IMO if they had a bit more about them, they'd find something with a bit more intelligence to laugh about, instead of inane crap like that over and over. It takes all sorts to make a world and that's how THEY are and I accept that now. But if they cannot see my point of view either, being a person who was brought up with no swearwords stronger than "Damn" once or twice a year, they are as much narrow minded as they are easily amused.
Woah you'd think I really hate these people wouldn't you? But no I don't. Not at all. They are just people with good and bad in them - same as everyone else. We're all different. Something G said came back to me today....he said something very direct like, "If you don't like something then go and take a dump and when you get back things will have changed and you'll be ok with it all." Well let me tell you I found that to be true today. S in J's chat upset me very much indeed. My eyes are swollen from crying. I spent some time away, listened to some music, did some stuff, then when I had calmed a little, I went back in.
J, as I say, played all those soothing tunes, which made me feel loads better. So I waited, went back and everything was to *my* liking. S. tried to get J. to stop playing the ballads but to his credit, J stuck by his guns and continued with them. They were extremely, wonderfully soppy songs and so I teased, saying that J must be in love. No one bothered replying but as the same mood songs went on for ages, I joked again after M came in and she said something like "J in love, who with?" I said "Who knows". J. took it all in good fun though - he didn't dignify the comment with a reply. {g}
J. showed us around outside! Very interesting - long straight road, big houses, lots of cars but lovely trees lining the street. B tried to do the same but his pictures were a bit pixellated so not so clear. B's studio is on the 3rd floor - the surrounding houses looked huge with unconventional roofs. Isn't the internet a wonderful thing?! J was tired but still jumped around on cam, showing off the surrounding area. I liked all that. Sooooo in the end, S just shut up and things made me happy again.
Sitting through S being obnoxious to me for fun - internet troll that he seems to be - was well worth the wait to get to some very soothing, loving music. Not everyone's cup of tea, not S's, probably not G's nor R's but for this morning, those suited me just fine.
My eyes are drooping and I need some sleep it is 12.00 p.m. and I've not slept yet. Time to rest.
Sunny outside.....the light may keep me awake but..I doubt it. :)
Love, Sair xx
22 Mar 2008 - Awake and Thinking
Went to sleep at 12 noon and woke up 10 hours later at 10 p.m.! I needed that sleep and feel refreshed after a wash and brushing my teeth again. I'm living on American time and it's a bit crazy. Whenever that certain person is around the chats I feel drawn to him and I get palpitations! I can't help the way I feel. I know I should stay away but don't seem to be able to. Pathetic, stupid, "lame", dillusional fat git that I am.
There is no denying that most fat people are greedy. Eating too much for their own body fuel. The self-gratification one feels when eating is all-too-powerful for some. Comfort-eating is a strange phase but very important I think. Of all the senses, taste must be high up on the list. When I was loved, I lost a lot of weight. I was thin. Content. When things went wrong, I ate and gained again. Do people who are content eat too much for their body to burn too? Not as much so I don't think.
In my experience, people who know they look good - thin, healthy people - only seem to see other good-looking, thin people as potential partners. Why is that? Why are fat people ruled out? They're not attractive. The very first part of attraction is good-looks.
But what about character, loyalty, truthfulness, kindness? Aren't beautiful people, who *know* they are beautiful, more likely to stray? I don't know.
All I know is, there are lots of fat people in the world who are disregarded as potential partners because of the way that they look. Lots of lonely people in the world, longing for a bit of kindness, loyalty, truthfulness and good character.
After having bad judgement with my ex-husband, I am not completely disheartened after all that abuse. I *know* there are good men out there. My father was a gentle soul who I never saw lose his temper. He was a people-watcher and had a gorgeous character. Everyone knew him as a lovely person and he was indeed very popular. After his death, it took me hours to ring all the contacts in his phone book. I wanted to make sure that the church was packed for his funeral. And it was. I don't think there was a spare seat in St. Mary's, Norton. I don't think the vicar had ever seen such a crowd for a funeral. :) I miss my Dad so. If you read back in the years 2000 to 2005 in this diary you will find entries where I say I love my Dad but I don't like him very much. That's true. After his mini-stroke he changed a lot and developed some ways that used to annoy me a lot but, hey, everyone has habits and ways that get on our nerves from time to time, me included. I loved him so much, mainly because he was a calming influence and very caring. I know there are men out there like that. They are most probably all married, having been "snapped up" as they say.
I am feeling very happy at this precise moment in time. Dee came in for a chat before going to bed. She is in a good mood and I can hear her singing in bed. Singing lots of songs that she likes. She has a lovely voice. I'm hoping that that is a sign of her contentment. :)
Well, you up mojo? You fancy a chat? If you are a Stickam friend of mine, I am going on cam for just a little while now if you'd like to join me? Hope so.
I'm staying up to listen to some music in Rob's chat... Later... Sair xx
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