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21 Mar 2008 - Never Felt So Alone
I am in a chatroom full of people and I'm feeling as lonely right now as when I took 40 sleeping tablets all those years ago. Bad day. Flooding is producing THE worst period pain I've EVER had. All this flooding is a bloody nightmare. Having to change 5 drop sanitary towels every hour or so. The pain is just excrutiating and the pain pills just don't touch it. Feeling very very very down and depressed right now. There's not a soul in my "real life" that cares about me but my lovely Dee and, much as I love her so, she's really very self-obsessed right now and I do like to hear about her and her life and care that she's happy but sometimes I just feel like I want to do a third time lucky with the large quantity of pills and just end it all. Today is one of those days. Life is so lonely and for all that I chat with these people on the other side of the world, not one of them knows me well and what's more, they don't care enough to find out about me either. And, you know what? I'm not worth knowing anyway. Wish I had another 40 sleeping pills right now. I'd take em.
21 Mar 2008 - Things Change
I'm like the British weather. I change a lot, quickly. I returned to the chat. Cried some more. Listened to the music. Cried some more. Got chatting. Decided to arrange for Gary and Rob to have a copy of Veech's The End Megamix but the file was too large for Rob to receive so Jim kindly changed the kbps and file size and sent it smaller for them. Finally, after a lot of faffing around Rob got a copy and played it. He waited for so long to get the track and so he stayed up longer than he wanted to just to get the thing played for me. He's so sweet. I could tell he was overtired but he did that for me. Gary left but Jim sent him a copy so he will hear it again too when he wants. Tony hadn't heard it before and neither had Rob. It's a nice feeling making others happy and Rob said he liked the track a lot so, for me, just to make someone smile, made it all worthwhile. :)
I did get some sleep earlier tonight but woke up feeling really badly. I am going to put on some music now and just drift off to sleep. Because I can. It's 10.15 a.m. and I can sleep as much as I want. It's Good Friday, a Bank Holiday, and free time is our own today. I can hear that Dee has got the telly on downstairs. She'll be eating up all the food. I don't have any.
Time for me to sort the flood out again. {sigh} The painkillers worked, eventually, but I'm feeling so scared that I'll wake up with that pain again.....it'll probably happen.
Good lazing today everyone. Enjoy your free time. Make the most of it. Whatever your problems are, make em small and distract yourself with something different today.
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