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7 Mar 2008 - Friday Afternoon
On my lunch break again. I'd set my alarm for earlier than normal this morning with the intention of getting up to do some work in the house. I didn't. Rob was playing Beatles so I slid on into his cam chat.
Didn't say a lot in the cam chat - the person I'd upset the other day didn't speak to me much, mainly to say goodbye. I guess he doesn't want to converse with me at all really, except to be civil. Oh well. I didn't say a lot for fear of saying the wrong thing again, doylum that I am. I shall continue to stay quite quiet in the cam chat. That way I won't upset too many people. Yes, I said I would stay away, but I felt extremely lonely. Told you I felt very lonely earlier. Being in chat does not solve the problem but does distract away from it.
Actually, I crave some decent conversation. Dee comes and talks to me. We have occasional hugs, but mostly she spouts off about what's happening in her life with her friends. I love Dee but have never met most of her friends so sometimes it's just very dramatic stuff every day, which is a completely different situation when she comes to me the next day. When one is a teenager, one doesn't want to enquire about a parent's life at all. That comes with age. When she has matured, perhaps has her own family, then she will want to know more about me and discuss in-depth other subjects. I get no intellectually stimulating conversation at work either. In cam chat, there is no in-depth conversation about anything. The most I can hope for is Gary's occasional snippets of information about the Beatles, which is interesting and entertaining for me, especially when it's something I've read about but have forgotten (Hey! I'm 47 and losing brain cells daily! lol). They may be more sociable than me and get on with people well - good people skills, which I don't have - but often conversations consist of one-liners and no commitment to a proper friendship at all. Very distant indeed.
So why do I go in these chat rooms so often then? Superficial contact with other adults is better than no contact of any kind at all I suppose. I so miss my mum and dad and day-to-day conversations with them. They were so intelligent and interesting. They knew so much, they often won pub quizzes with only one or two other members in their team, competing with much larger teams. My parents were my "walking dictionaries" or "walking encyclopaedias" and it's a lonely existence without them. I could cope without a partner to share adult love with when I had my parents around for conversation and company. Now, I just feel lost and long for some proper intelligent interaction with similar adults. I found people on the net over the years who have the same interest as me - Beatles etc. - but cam chat is not satisfying my need for proper conversation rather than what chatroom camchat can become just sometimes - insignificant pap.
I just want to be liked and find someone in there who knows me. I saw my parents every weekend nearly - for all my life. I miss the companionship. The people in that chatroom do not know me at all. They have no desire to read my words on this diary and I so wish they would so they could know me better. Some hope. Just a while with the random button could give them some idea of my insecurities and therefore some insight into WHY I run away, WHY I cry when people show anger or laugh at me or humiliate me. The chatroom people are people I am gradually getting to know, through observing them visually and reading their chat words. Sadly, I don't know much about them either (and you know how nosey I am Linda)!
Do I go back in chat? Because they don't know me and, just being naturally themselves, they could cut me up in pieces without realising it, just meaning words of fun which I take the wrong way - it's a big risk for me emotionally. As a certain person in the room said recently, cutting me up inside without knowing I was viewing outside the room, I have "issues, LOL". Yes, I suppose so but that's me. You take me as I am. With all my faults. But I have some good characteristics too and am willing to share them too. If you don't take ALL OF ME into consideration, you miss out by avoiding me because I have "issues"! Everyone has good and bad in them. I'm no different. Neither are you!
The answer to the question is....I should NOT go back into the chat because I am not really strong enough to withstand anything which could upset me without them realizing they've upset me. BUT I need some companionship and when they are all there, I crave some attention and companionship. Being lonely can make one a bit desperate for company and so even knowing I should NOT go into the cam chat, I do.
My life is shit at the moment because the days get quicker and quicker with age and being "on the hamster wheel" for work means the days and months fly by and I'm not experiencing anything different. I'm a wimp. On my own I dare not explore things in the world and just wish someone would come into my life that would make it different - it doesn't even have to be "exciting" even. Just different to make the days seem longer and more fun.....
Better have a break from typing for a while before I go back to my work this afternoon. :)
Thanks for reading this far. You lot are gluttons for punishment.
(Still waiting for assistance with the new diary......{sigh})
Lots of love and ((((HUGS)))) to regular readers who (along with Dee) give me reason not to attempt suicide for a third time ..... Sair xxx
7 Mar 2008 - Normal
John Lennon called him Normal. Norman "Hurricane" Smith was someone who worked with the Beatles in the recording studio. He had a hit with "Oh Babe What Would You Say?" in the 70s and he passed away this week - he'd had a good innings.
I don't give a stuff about the cars on this video - listen to the beautiful melody....and lyrics for that matter. A lovely song.
7 Mar 2008 - Plonky Plonky Plonk
In the 70s, a friend of mine's sister used to love listening to Gilbert O'Sulivan's songs. I'd heard a few that I liked. My mother said she couldn't listen to his songs because they all had the same "Plonky plonky plonk" sound. I guess that must have coloured my judgement of the man because I never really took this man's music seriously, all because of an off-hand comment from my mother whom I greatly respected the judgement of usually.
Since I've been in the cam chats with my American friends I am starting to change my view of this man. Having fun surfing around YouTube (as I've come to do lately to find some gems for you to listen to/watch, I've come across one song I'd forgotten all about. And I'm going to seek out more....
Yes, it may be a little plonky plonky plonk BUT the lyrics are truly amazing and the melody is just superb. All this and a key change too! LOL. I think this is just great!
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