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22 Feb 2008 - 'Home' And Mother
Today I discovered that I may have to go to William Newton School, as was - now renamed The Education Centre - where Dee went for a gifted and talented meet up a few years ago. I used to live on Junction Road and it saddens me a bit today to think that I will probably be going back to Norton and my Dad is no longer there. Our house was just a 10 minute walk from that building - on Crooksbarn.
Today is sad too for me because if my mother had lived on, she would have been 78 today. I could easily remember my mother's birthday, as a child, because it was the same day as Brownies' and Girl Guides' 'Thinking Day' - 22nd February.
I miss both my parents enormously and going back to Norton again for a meeting, after such a long time away will be a sad day for me really.
Hitting random on my diary sometimes shocks me. To see what I have written about Dee when we weren't getting along - some of my words are hurtful, unkind and really nasty on some days. You may ask yourself, why on earth would I leave those nasty words in here? Well this diary is me - warts and all - I don't put a shiny happy face on it for publication - it's just me. As I am. All of me and my life. So, Dee knows of this diary. She knows I write about everything I am feeling at the time. She also knows that I don't go around thinking bad thoughts about her all the time. This week, for instance, Dee and I have been getting along very well indeed. Lots of smiles, hugs, co-operation and consideration for each other. If I said here that I no longer want Dee around, I'm not going to delete those words because *I* know that *she* knows that it was a spur of the moment thing and just captured a snapshot of my feelings at the time. She knows exactly how to take my diary. She and I know where we stand with bad and good things said here about her - or anyone else for that matter. We're alright.
Sometimes I'm a bit too graphic and can embarrass myself here too. I have our bombsite of a house in mind here of course {g}. Describing our messy house I am not proud to do but if I feel like describing it I will because....I'm open and honest. Too honest for my own good sometimes.
Dee and I are going to collect a new vacuum cleaner after work today - she's going to meet me outside here at half 4 and I've reserved a nice model over at Argos down the road. I'll get it and Dee said she will get it home on the bus for us. We're going to be cleaning and tidying this weekend but I hope we can agree a meeting time to just sit together and chat. We like making each other laugh and frequently do with daft talk. I catch up on her life with her friends - what the latest is amongst hundreds of people I've never met but know the names of. :) We can sit together, plan, talk through and order our internet groceries on the Sainsbury's site. I click on what I want, Dee clicks on what she wants, then I peruse the basket and approve or delete or change things as needed before getting the order done. We should get a slot for Sunday if we do that as soon aswe get in. Dee can choose what healthy foods she wants.
Time for me to finish off my lunch and have a bit of rest from typing and shut my eyes for a little while. I am missing my nano/headphones. I need to catch up on a lot of audio podcasts. Peteadequate has another out I must hear soon. They're always good.
Later... Love, Sair xx
22 Feb 2008 - First Again & Weakness
I am always happy when I see that I'm number one. It's very reassuring.
However, this time I feel a bit like a cheat. I posted many days' entries at once yesterday so friends were 'catching up' with a few pages at once. It's still very nice to see though. Thanks for staying with me. :)
Well, now I've gawn and done it. Gone back on my word. To others and, worst of all myself. When it comes to a certain person who frequents the same chat rooms as me, I have a very definite crush, to put it mildly. I'm not stupid or disillusioned enough to expect any of the same kind of attention or admiration or anything else back. I feel disappointed in myself for giving in to my feelings though and indulging myself the thrill of being with this person, when I know for a fact that unwanted attention has been a huge problem for him in the past and my being too attentive could freak him out and that's the last thing I want to happen. Pretending *not* to have feelings that are more than platonic for someone is an extremely hard thing to have to do. I know, for his sake, as well as mine, that I should stay away. I tried. I tried so hard to bury my feelings but I just couldn't resist going back in one of the chat rooms last night / early this morning, just to exchange conversation with him and his friends. Pathetic, I know. I feel so torn. I know I need to stay away and will try harder from now on to just stay away. I find it so sad that this man must now feel reluctant to trust any woman to give him the love, companionship, trust etc that he so needs right now because of selfish actions of certain women in the past. I really need to "hide my love away", for his sake. But "it's so hard". Luckily for him, I'm not adept at flirting and so when he chats with me, I'm more likely to reply with a "LOL" or a "Haha" because of being 'tongue-tied', shy, embarrassed rather than being too forward/flirty and showing my true feelings. Caring so much for man who you know is longing to be cared for but knowing for sure that he would never give you a second glance because of your age/physique is heartbreaking. I know, for his sake, and mine, I should stay away from the chats and I *will* try again to be strong and stay away. I like all the friends there. They're funny. They're good people. They make me welcome. They're interesting. They make me smile. He makes me smile. But I know I must try my very best to stay away. I hope he doesn't read this, sus out it's about him and worry about me being like the others that caused him so much bother before. I have to learn to deal with this. I know for a fact that I'm not the only one there with a 'thing' for this man. That's understandable. I have to bury/hide my feelings and just try and stay away and forget him.
I know I waffle on too much. I will never, ever be brief. To be short and concise in those chats has been an enormous challenge for me. LOL. But that's me.
Half 8 at night and it's time to gather together a playlist of new podcasts in iTunes - both video and audio - and enjoy.
Dee is giggling loudly downstairs. She's probably watching Top Gear, her latest fad.
You can see which podcasts and music I have chosen to listen to by seeing my black last.fm info above or clicking through to my last.fm profile from that or the link on the left, if you wish.
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