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10 Feb 2008 - Saddened
I've been American for the night. In between blowing my nose and coughing I've been listening to Rob's music throughout the night, quite a bit of which I supplied him with last night as a friendship prezzie. He played quite a few of the songs I sent/asked to hear, so to Rob goes thanks. Rob himself was pissed off because he got some help in sorting out his one channel sound, only instead of only one channel on one side, he got only one channel on the other side this time. Rob was so upset that his problem wasn't solved. We tried to cheer him up but nothing could it seems. Greg and Gary both popped in for a few minutes after doing gigs tonight. They must have been tired.
Some people can do things to upset someone and then because of their actions, ruin that someone's chances of happiness ultimately because it changes that someone's outlook and affects their ability to trust. This is NOT about me (for a change) but someone I care a lot about. I feel I should no longer follow the path I am on because I don't want any chance of upsetting the same person. That is the last thing I want to happen. My problem is I care about a certain someone TOO much. Ultimately though, my affection and caring is futile because things can "go no further". I intend to silently, quietly slip away where my sadness about this person's predicament, and my own embarrassment at my too-strong feelings can be buried and forgotten.
I found friends online. People I care about besides the one person I care about the most. But because of the stupid actions of those who came before me I can never, ever truly and freely reveal my feelings. They must be buried. Forgotten. I have to avoid this person and in doing so I will be forgotten. Hell, I don't think he ever really remembers me and so I will not be missed, or soon forgotten I'm sure. I shall miss this person for ever but it is right that I should make this weekend my last encounter.
I have been unable to eat properly. I've been losing weight. Leaving my new friends online, especially the one special person, will destroy me inside but staying would do me more damage as I would have to endure the torture of never being able to tell the person how I feel.
I am steadily losing weight so it is possible I could lose enough weight to be "pretty" again but, alas, I'm over the hill and seeing as I've only ever had the one partner in my entire life, I consider myself a spinster. Old maid. A scraggy old bitch. A fat one, what's more. When you desperately want the affections of someone who doesn't love you, life can be bleak.
I've learned I can speak to people in a crowded room and not run away and cry. Hell, there was a time when I couldn't even talk to men AT ALL! I've come a long way. I did initially but I went back and confronted my fears of being with people. I'm not running away now. I'm choosing to leave because of what I've learned about the person I most care about. It's for the best. I have no chance with this person. I have no desire to freak the person out or upset them in any way, so I must go.
Yes, I'm over-sensitive but I do care. I'm very saddened at the actions of some which have significantly damaged a person's chance of future happiness with someone special. So sad.
I need sleep before my last visit.... but don't know if I'll be able to..... first to clear my nose and throat enough to breathe to sleep and then feel extremely nervous about making tonight my last visit.
I must be strong.
Love to all my friends on the internet - Mojo Paul, Liz, Linda, Nelson, David, Kyra, Bubbles, Nibbles, cpthereturn, Tammy, TJT, Doug, John, Cindy, Rob, Liz, Teer, Linus, Bev, Kris, Iain, Claire, Chantal, Gail, Gracie, Tammy, Jean, Jennifer, Tammy, John, Kimmy, Marilyn, Greg, Donna, Oz, Rob, Tony, Jim, Jem, Marlee, Chris, Gary, Donovan, Trevor, Ellen, Sue, Bob, Chloe and many more......sorry if I missed you out.... (((((HUGS))))) to you all Lots of Love, Sair (that's Sa with a *silent* R, *not* part of "rah"... oh I give up trying to explain) xoxoxoxox
10 Feb 2008 - My Wonderful Dee
Missing my wonderful, thoughtful, kind, loving, pretty, generous, clever, intelligent, wise, funny, sensitive daughter. She's my world and I love her to bits.
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