Last night, at 3:30 a.m., when I should have been crawling into bed, I found myself logging onto the internet one more time... I just wanted to check something I'd thought of a couple hours earlier but which had slipped my mind.I don't know why it never occurred to me before, but I decided to Google Jim B.'s street address in Colorado Springs and see if anything came up.
Boy, did it ever!
I found out he has the title "Doctor" in front of his name. At first I thought he might be a medical doctor or something, but now I believe it's more likely a Ph.D. thing.
I also found out he owns his own software company, marketing software he created himself. He's been in business for fifteen years.
Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled he's doing so well, but all of a sudden this college dropout -- who worked at a respectable but rather unremarkable corporate job, and has now been goofing off for more than eight years -- was overwhelmed by a wave of insecurity and felt like a total underachiever.
I've done OK, but the past thirty years of my life isn't going to sound very impressive if and when we get to talking.
Now that I had the name of his company, I Googled it along with his name to see what else I could come up with. Turns out he has a profile on LinkedIn.com. And then I was in for an even bigger shock.
I saw his picture.
I gasped. He has totally, utterly lost his looks.
Now I know this sounds mean and shallow, but he's morphed into a chubby, creepy-looking old man (and remember, he's five months younger than I am!). His blondish-brown hair has turned completely white and his hairstyle is most unflattering, his face is fat and grim, and he has two or three chins. He looks like Jerry Freaking Falwell.
Oh, my God. It can't be. I'd never have recognized him in a million years if he'd passed me on the street. For a moment I thought I had found the wrong guy, someone else with the same first, middle, and last names... but no, I did my research pretty thoroughly. It's him.
This is the first boy I loved?!
I shouldn't be so surprised. I knew this could happen. Heck, I've witnessed people totally lose their looks even over a mere two or three years. What did I expect after not having seen someone in nearly thirty years?
But I was hoping that, while of course he'd have somewhat more age on him, he'd still look basically the same as I remembered... he'd still look good.
My fantasy has totally been shattered.
Now what do I do? I'm rethinking the whole issue of reconnecting with him. What if the gay thing comes up? What if the fact that I was formerly in love with him comes up? What if he were to finally admit -- as I've long suspected -- that he had repressed sexual feelings for me all those years ago? I was hoping that stuff would come up if we talked again. But now I am dreading it. How can I talk about all that with an ugly old troll?
OK, so I'm the shallowest person in the world. I admit it. Looks mean a great deal to me.
I'd still like to catch up with him on stuff, and maybe keep in touch every once in awhile, but my former sexual feelings for him must never come up in conversation. And what if he brings the subject up? How do I evade?
I want to keep any correspondence between us strictly casual. But what if it can't be done?
What have I been doing here?! I think I may have made a really big mistake. I've been wasting my time fantasizing about someone from the distant past when I should have been out meeting new people and creating new experiences, and just basically getting a life. When will I ever learn?
Maybe the past is past for a reason. Maybe one really should let those sleeping dogs lie, and keep those cans of worms tightly sealed. Maybe it's for the best.
I don't know what I'm going to do now. If you're reading this and I sound harsh, please don't judge me. I'm just thinking out loud, and if I can't do that in my very own diary, then where can I do it?
I don't want to see him looking like this. I want to remember him the way he was. Is that so bad?
Maybe I should have left well enough alone.
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