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8 Jan 2008 - Despair, or over-reaction?
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feels like Betrayal,
such cuts so deep,
bleeding scars upon that Trust,
making our Faith lack conviction,
of Loyalty torn assunder,
proving Love so weak.Thoughts wandering wild,
where even you can't find them,
as Dreams cast me to the dirt,
Loss is an overwhelming wave,
threaded with such Fear of you; for you,
So Lost. Alot has been happening. Changes in our lives are constant, leaving me so confused. Not more than he is though. Amos is such a joy, in a year.. spending almost everyday together, i never tire of being around him. We make whatever we are doing fun. Him, and this baby are my life! Such changes i have made, Self. I have such pride in my accomplishments, and such faith in my ability to adapt. I KNOW i will be a good Mother. He is a bit fearful, but that is not the problem. He has always concentrated on helping me to change the horrible habits of my life, that he seems to have lost touch with who he is.. now that there is nothing more he can help me with. Of course, i need his support and love, but it is much different now. I believe he is a little lost, Self. And, i am scared. A week ago, he hung himself. I almost didn't make it in time to save him. All because of my venomous mouth, and terrible things that i say. He just lost it. He has talked many people out of such suicide, but he says he just can't talk himself out of it. He is embarrassed to have been so weak, and to have lost sight of the bigger picture, which is our child. Fuck me! Think of the child, Amos! That is what i told him. He is going to go to my Shrink with me, so she can bill it under my insurance, because he has none, as yet. I learned from that moment, Self. My thoughts have changed, and so has the way i speak to him. Words, i have such love for them. They were my life for so long; the only way i could express myself, and my confining emotions. How could i twist them, into such horrors! I learn, though. I learned from that minute of terror, and these hours, and days of guilt, to watch what i say, and how i say it. They cannot be taken back, and sometimes they can't be forgiven or forgotten. I have emotionally abused him for quite some time. The guilt has been eating me alive, but i am using it in the most constructive way possible... To curb my anger. I never believed in myself so much as i do now. After all i have done for myself, and this baby.. After all he has done for me.. I can do this for him. I don't want to lose him. - Our sex life has been suffering immensely from all of this trauma. I began to believe it was me. My body is fattening, and widening with pregnancy. I fear he no longer thinks be beautiful, and desireable. And, it hurts. It makes me angry. *I* should be the most beautiful creature in this world to him! I should be the only person in his thoughts. I should be the only person he thinks about intimately. I fear i am not. Yet, he is home with me, when he is not at work. He wants to take me everywhere with him. He never seeks to separate himself from me.. I know he loves me, and in his heart is nothing but devotion to the thought of our upcoming family. But, is it enough, Self? I once cried, and cried because i couldn't love him enough. Couldn't give him all of me, which he deserved. So, i left him for awhile. I came back to him, but it seemed bitterness had taken hold.. He ended up pushing me into the corner if a wall, and knocking the back of me head hard enough for me to see spots before my eyes. He said he didn't remember, which i believed was a lie. So, i left him again. Through all this, he lived with me, or i lived with him. We were never gone from one another for long. I eventually came back to him, but not before i ended up taking this 18 year old kids virginity. I loved that boy, who he was. But, that boy, Archie.. Was is big trouble with the law, for stealing out of cars. He got 8 months of jail time. I was his first love. He was goregous. ..But, Amos has always been the most prominent person in my life. He was ALWAYS there for me, no matter what he or i had done. He had such faith in me. What he saw.. i guess, would be the person i am now. I love him with everything i am, and i am scared that now he knows i am his %150, now that i have quit ALL the bad habits in my life, now that i am fattening with pregnancy.. that he is bored. He doesn't WANT to be, of course. This is what he has always wanted from me. But, now that he has it, is it enough for him? He is dazed, confused, and lost, Self. I am so scared of losing him. Our sex life.. Suffers. Even when i don't want to have sex, i do. Because i learned from my parents. After *I* was born, my Mother and Father didn't have sex for 12 years. He stayed faithful to her. She took him to her shrink, and her shrink told my Dad to handle his desires himself. That is bullshit, Self. How could she expect him to stay faithful?! But, he did. - I will never, ever make him feel that way. Chase him into another woman's arms. But, sex seems strained on his part. Like, he is trying ultra-hard to do something that has always been so natural, and beautiful to us. It has never been anything less that great! And, i don't care what anyone else says, sex is a huge part of a relationship. One i never worried about before now. Never has he had a problem keeping *IT* hard. He went limp on me, and i wanted to die. How could this happen? I am pretty, Self. I never really thought so before, but i am. I am excellently groomed, with beautiful hair. The only thing tht is different is the little belly i got going on. I was 118lbs and now i am 122lbs. 4 damned pounds! How could this have happened. It must be me, i thought. ..Well, until last night.. He was wonderful, a God. Before it all began, he begged me to understand the situation of the couple of days before, when he went limp on me. -- We had a couple friends over, they needed to get away from their home, and Three Rivers. Garbage ass town, with nothing but our enemies. They are a cute couple. I tried to get with the girl, Brittney, way before i hooked my friend Justin up with her. We were all talking about our sex lives, and i was flirting with Brittney. Amos knows.. before him, i preffered women sexually. He has no concerns where "cheating" is concerned. After we got home, i was hot over the conversation, and asked him downstairs. I never in a million years even considered what happened as a possiblity. It was like a stranger was sexing me! Who, or what was on his mind? Instantly it was Brittney, i believed he was thinking about. They have some past together, that is known. So. Automatic reaction says that it must be her that is on his mind, distraction him. It hurt, God, so badly. He let me walk away, unsatisfied, confused, and hurting. Thinkingm, that he would rather think of her, than me.. Because i must be less desirable now that i am pregnant. -- Nothing of the sort was true of course. I left to go to a restaurant by myself, and have coffee. He came after me awhile later, and we talked. He somehow felt the need to "impress" our friends, i guess. After all the talking up i did about our sex life. I asked him, what in the hell makes him think he has anyone to impress? I am the only one that matters, and our everyday sex life was amazing enough for me. Which is exactly what i had been saying to Brittney, and Justin. How could he be thinking of impressing them, and make me feel like trash. Like i was betrayed! Like i had some man-stranger fucking me, instead of my loving boyfriend, who finds me, pregnant or not, beautiful, and sexy. I just don't know what to believe, i guess. We got alot out, sitting in public, and talking in low tones. (I like to go to a public place to talk our problems to a solution, its safer.. As i cannot lose my temper without making a huge scene.) But, the sex last night was incredible. Perhaps, he found a little more of himself, since it was him we concentrated on. I told him to just TALK to me. Tell me what he is feeling, and thinking. I begged him not to leave me in the dark anymore. And, i explained, that when he loses his sense of self, his indecision, confusion, and the lack of communication injures us both, and endangers our relationship. So. As an individual, Amos rarely thinks of himself, preffering to concentrate on other people. Kinda co-dependant, or.. Captin Save-A-Ho. Or whatever. It doesn't matter. But, he understands now, that he can't ignore what he is thinking, and feeling. Even if such things he thinks might hurt me, i told him in the long run, it will hurt a hellofa lot more. The lack of communitcation has got to be rectified. We must bridge that gap, so we can continue on being happy, and preparing for our family. ..I'm not sure how well it is going to work, Self. But, i believe in us. I just have to remember that sometimes. Anger is nothing but fear magnified. And, together we can overcome anything.. I hope. ~D.
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8 Jan 2008 - The Brilliance of .. The Used
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Small, simple, safe price
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals
And I am not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart
Love is not like anything
Especially a fucking knifeLook at me, you can tell
By the way I move and do my hair
Do you think that it's me or it's not me?
I don't even care
I'm alive
I don't smell
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake Do I drink? Do I date?
I've got perfect placement all my ink
Satisfied, in your eyes
I'm the biggest fan I've got right now
I made sure, that I look how I wanted to look
The people around me, the people surround me
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry My stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace
I pray, I beg for anything, to hit me in the face
and this sicknes isn't me, I pray to fall from grace
The last thing I see is feeling
And I'm telling you I'm a fake
And I'm telling you I'm... My past as a cutter, my past as a drug user, my past rage, and bitterness.. My past period, cries out to this beat. I love this song. The way the words are put together is a priceless gift to me. Utterly brilliant masterpiece. ~D.
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