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1 Jan 2008 - The New Year.
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Well, my first entry. So much to say, and such little time to type it. Well, my first day of the new year, and i am 3 months, and two weeks pregnant. Unmarried, in love, with a miracle growing within my body. First off, i have no clue as to how this happened. I was never supposed to be able to get pregnant; it was impossible, so the doctors told me. Me, and my boyfriend have been having sex for a year... and i have just now ended up pregnant. Years i have spent on drugs, having sex with random men. The times i could have ended up pregnant, and would never have known who the Father was. ~It All Started.~ I was 14, and i lived in East Central, Chicago Illinois - with my brother. His best friend raped me, took my innocence, and gave me an STD. For 6 months, i had this affliction, and never knew it. It made its way through my body, my womb, in its destructive path. I because extremely ill. Thus, why the doctors said i would likely never be able to bare children. I ended up in the hospital; everything was taken care of. Although some of the damage seemed unrepairable. Such as life, and mine is not, nor will ever be so very bad. Yet, it was bad enough for me. I ended up into the drug scene very early in life. Crack was the main drug of choice, i loved the numb. The superwoman-like strength it seemed to bestow upon me. ..It ate my mind, and convinced me i could never do without it. I couldn't thrive, unless it was flowing through my viens to keep the memories at bay. Such lies. Such destruction. ..And, now, such regret. But. I DIDN'T end up pregnant. Thanks be to powers greater than myself; God or whomsoever it may be that had their hand protecting me. I was in-and-out of rehab. Jim Gilmore, Kalamazoo Michigan, twice. Valeo, in Topeka Kansas.. Clear View, in Port Huron Michigan. Nothing helped. I was a pot head, a crackhead, .. i didn't much like speed, but any type of pain-pill was consumed, for sure. It disn't help that my Father has been on Morphine since i was 9 or 10 years old. My Mother left when i was 15, and my Father didn't have the slughtest clue as to how to raise a girl-child with the mental problems i had. Bipolar, behavior disorders, borderline personality, and a huge drug problem to boot! The poor man.. He, to this day, has no idea how to be a productive Father. But, then, he is dying, and surely regressing. His brain is losing everything it knew once, and making him half the great man he used to be. It is a shame, but that is life. It doesn't take sides, or play favorites. I have been a very lucky little girl, i promise you. But, my Father made some serious mistakes. He gave me money for drugs. He was scared i would leave him, or hate him as both his sons, my Sister, my Mother, his Ex-wife.. They all left him. For many reasons, and large amounts of selfishness. The cards my Father was dealt in life have been hugely unfair to him, and he is ultimately, a very wonderful, and caring man. Just extrememly confused. He watched me smoke crack, and dated crackhead, although he never picked up the drug himself. Just gave us all money for it. He is a hypocrit to the largest degree i have ever seen, and so mentally unstable its unreal. But, he's my Father, and he has a great heart. I ended up getting into TONS of legal problems; up to date, i have 18 misdemeanors, and every police in Three Rivers Michigan knows my name. But, we are on good terms now, as i have certainly straitened up my life, although only the last 4-5 months, they can see the huge difference. Its a long time for a thug/drama queen/drug addict to stay out of trouble. At one point in time, i needed money for my drugs, and i ended up telling on a very bad man, a drug dealer. I have no quams about this, as i tried to have him killed, or beat up, and no one would help me, no matter the amount of money i had saved up. So. After he sold drugs to my 12 year old niece, and i drug the information out of her, i went to the police, and set him up. Mind you, i knew many more drug-dealers. Even had one living in mine, and my boyfriend at the time's apartment. I made him leave, and called the police over, set the guy up, got the money for doing it, and called my guy back home after they left. I wasn't stupid, and neither was anyone else. They all knew within days it was me. Stupiest thing i ever did, but i have no remorse. Sell drugs to anyone old enough to know better, not to someone to young to care. All of this is certainly irrelevant. But, it all lead up to the woman i am NOW. I've spent 2 years, and eight months of my life locked up at random times, not all at once.. But, that is enough of my life given away for stupid reasons. I ended up moving back from Kansas after my stint in rehab (which i got kicked out, and never finished) and moved back in with my Father. Met back up with a couple cats i used to hang with. We started smoking a little pot, drinking.. I went out occasionally, and smoked some dope. But, then i met more people, and they started coming over. We pretty much kicked my Dad, and his crackheads out, and took over my house. Made it a flop-house. 10-15 people all over it, drinking, and smoking pot. We've got video's of fights in the backyard. Honestly, i quit dope for awhile 'cause i was to stoned, or drunk to think about it. Then, my drug friends started showing up. And, i have a huge weakness for women, being that i prefer them sexually to any man next to the one i have now. They drug me back to the dope-scene. But, i left those people in my house, i knew they would protect my home, for it was theirs too! They hated me smoking dope, and never knew the seriousness of what i was doing when i would leave for days on end. I ended up meeting this great man of mine. Let me put a name to this Saintly-man. Amos, his name is Amos. For months, he watched me come back from those stints, hating myself more each time. He held me, told me he loved me, that i was beautiful, and everything was ok. After spending 3-4 days out in the drug world, too doped up to care about myself, or anyone else. Never seeing anything beautiful.. He was my world, when i came back. He saved me. In those first hours of coming down, i would have killed myself so many times. If not for those arms that held me, consoled me, saved me from myself. He never gave up on me, people. This stranger, that had NO reason to stay loyal, which he did. No reason to NOT give up, in my mind. Yet, he never did. He was always there with open arms. Sweet words. Healing words, and comfort. Till one day he just couldn't take the pain anymore. I came home with a hooker, intending to set her up in the house, and sell her. Which i did for awhile. But, that day, the day i came home with her.. I had a letter from an NA buddy from Kansas, and Amos was acting different.. I didn't like it. It hurt. I wanted him to hold me, say those things! But, for once, HE hurt too much. I saw it. I cared enough to SEE it. I quit crack that day. THAT DAY. I sold that hooker for weeks, she cleaned my house, ran my bath water, and washed my back, worshipped me. Wanted me. But, never did i return that. Ew! I saw her RAN THROUGH by TONS of people! $1500 in a week, people, in $50's, and $100's. She was the most beautiful woman, naked, i had ever seen. Just.. God, she was Aphrodite; short, supple, with beautiful breasts, and perfect butt. Skin a natural olive. She was simple goregous, and i DID want her. Her body, but she was dumb as a box of rocks, and nasty to boot! I wouldn't touch her, although she did ask quite often, and loved to touch me. And, what's even more of a turn off, she loved what she did. Loved getting paid in dope, the spontaneous sex, i supplied her cigarettes, showers, clean clothes.. Everything but the drugs, and sex she wanted, so that's how she got paid. I got the cash. Long story short, my best friend was given this hooker for free one night.. He saw something in her, and ran off with her after a couple days, never to return with her. I loved that boy, he knew all my secrets! I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. Anyway. I guess she quit, and couldn't be paid enough to go back. They are getting married, and he is going in the air force. Of course, i don't have much faith in her, since i see her sometimes surrounded by black people, in the streets. But, who am i to doubt? *I* changed, why can't she? - Moving on. I ended up losing the house because of my Father's unpaid morgage, on June 4th of '07. I moved to Amos's. Then, to .. shit everywhere. My Father lived with his first crackhead girlfriend, Judy. Nasty, nasty. We are still fighting with her. Blah, blah. End of the story of my past. On to the here, and now, yes?~Present.~ Amos succeeded, i quit crack. March 1st of '07, my birthday, was honestly the last day i smoked. 4 and a half months ago, now, i quit drinking(which had honestly gotten as bad as the dope). 3 months ago i quit pills. 2 weeks ago i stopped drinking caffine, and smoking pot. Currently, i am trying to stop smoking cigarettes. There was alot more trauma in my life. Like being molested when i was 2 years old by a male babysitter. Horrible night-terrors that plague me still, to the point of trying to hurt myself as i sleep. Or fits of insomnia, that come with being bipolar. But, i am getting a little help with a shrink, only because i need to be healthy body, MIND, and soul.. if i am going to succeed in being a good Mother. And, as i never had a good example, i am going to need tons of help. Which i have. I live with my Father, again, who got away from the crackheads, and moved to Sturgis, about 20 minutes away from our old stomping grounds in Three Rivers. His sister, my Aunt Gayla, owns Dave Smith Poniac, a car dealership here in Sturgis, and several other prominent businesses. She bought my Father a wonderfully small house, that used to be inhabited by Elderly people, that is simply perfect for him. Its right behind the dealership. He is doing well, although his health is not so great, he has got all the help and support he needs. My Aunt is a great woman. She allowed me, and my wonderful boyfriend Amos to live here with him. Which, he wanted as well. I needed it, being pregnant, and in debt up to my ears. But, again, life is not easy, and won't bow to anyone. This has been my life, my plague. These were my decisions, and bad choices. Some were, surprisingly, my good ones (which i don't have often, mind you). My struggled, and my successes, in short. VERY SHORT. ..Alot has been left out, but alot didn't matter. This is simply the short version of my past, up to my present. ..Now, what i really need, is to get ahold of my inner-most emotions, and thoughts. And, i hope to be able to accomplish that, by letting my fingers go wild, with a mind of their own from now on.. Only to go back, and read what it is i am really thinking, and change the irrational thought patterns i have. Work out the kinks in my my mind. Begin to understand my heart. Eliminate my confusion. And, more than anything, get ready for a fresh start with my new upcoming family. ~D.
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