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21 Sep 2001 - trust trust..a key issue in determining TONS of things... "im sorry mallory" "aww thats so sad" "ill be here whenever you need me" things i hear constantly..ever since my mom passed away have people really come through with their promises? no. Jess has. jess was there right next to me on october ninth..she was there on december 13th.. was anyone else? sure they were there... but have they been there? no. has it torn me apart? sure it has...but i dont LIKE to let people know how i feel..thats why im not a real big fan of this diary--cause it lets people see a peak of me..and i dont like that i talked to heather a bit.. and i still dont know why i told her what i told her.. jessica is the only one that knows anything about me--and she still doesnt know it all..but she knows the most--and i like to keep it that way-- i dont like others knowing about me--sure ill give him the bits and pieces of it.. but i dont let them into my heart.. thats just something i dont do.. and she expects me to do so? hell no i will not. she tells me not to leave rude comments on her diary..did i? no..i told her she had friends--and pity parties werent necessary..because they arent..she claims she has no friends..sarah laura vicki and jess? hello? those names ring a bell> tells me that i should talk to people...like her mom.. ill be damned if i talkt o anyone about this..hell i dont even talk to my own dad.. I DONT OPEN UP TO PEOPLE--i DONT SHOW MY REAL SELF thats me.. and people just dont get it.. they dont understand that i dont like to relive past instinces.. i dont like to think about memories i dont like to do those things I havent even visited my moms gravesite since the funeral and i dont intend to why? because i dont like reliving those moments.. that day when the leaves had all fallen..and i sat on that green rug..with the valance..and all the flowers..the open grave..the trees...the cars..the people..the green chairs..the pink casket with roses embedded on the handles.. the way i felt at that exact moment..the way that i couldnt cry anymore..but i still had the lump in my throat..the way EVERYONe watched as we all sat there..and they lowered her into the ground.. ive never thought about that--but now that i do..i remember everything..the smell of the air..i remember the way she smelled when she was laying there..twitching..with her eyes rolled into the back of her head..i remember the way her skin felt..still warm..soft..her lips were purple..her eyes would blink everytime i would speak..and when i said i love you she squeezed my hand.. those are things that i want to put behind me.. i dont want to remember them i dont want to remember the smells, the sounds, the feelings,.. but i have to.. and telling people about them isnt going to make it any better. I guarantee well have tough times and i guarantee at some point well both wanna get out, but i also guarantee if i dont ask you to be mine ill regret it for the rest of my life. You all laugh because im different, i laugh because youre all the same Be EXTREME. Powered by CrickRock Webrings [<<| <|A Box of Animal Crackers|>|>>|?] src="http://test3.thespark.com/ba/bitch93.gif" border="0"> You can email the author at Beachbaby0409@aol.com Previous Month Next Month 7/11/2001 - ahem 4/11/2001 - im finally updating--whoopdie doo 17/10/2001 - did i? 14/10/2001 - a  humorous teenage emotional cycle 13/10/2001 - flooding back 11/10/2001 - everything is generally good 8/10/2001 a good day creeping up behind me declaration 7/10/2001 - A busy weekend--with small perks. 6/10/2001 - rain rain rain rain rain 5/10/2001 - Alright well 1/10/2001 - a good day and HOT GUYS! 30/9/2001 - John from Tuscon Arizona anyone? 29/9/2001 in regard to tamis comment what a boring night its been 27/9/2001 - thursdays are pretty blah 25/9/2001 i just wanna scream yes yes it is 24/9/2001 bash her face in also bah her face in II bad mallory bad 23/9/2001 spending time together oh my goodness ... 22/9/2001 dreams tests 21/9/2001 - trust 20/9/2001 Lets toast the night away to friends and forget about tmrw a survey to relieve my boredom with 19/9/2001 recapping on the past couple of days _______________ I  think before i.. ______ 18/9/2001 - alone 17/9/2001 confused and i shouldnt be worried about this crap SHOVE IT 14/9/2001 !!!!!!!!! O TOWN 13/9/2001 (sigh) thursday---a long day 11/9/2001 heartless people across the world heart wrenching stories 10/9/2001 dorky convos i am updating my feet are worn..im relaxing..and it feels so good! 9/9/2001 savior of the johns? studying chemistry and an unknown call 8/9/2001 goodness why canf i 6/9/2001 - studying and other things 3/9/2001 incredibly odd. A love like no other a slow downward spiral 2/9/2001 this blows my contract Add Reader Comment Previous Next Show Reader Comments (3)

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