Hi All! I'm very new to this blog thing, but I'm going to try my best. I've always kept a journal, so I figure this is almost the same thing, only now, complete strangers have access to my most intimate thoughts. I'll try to begin at the beginning, wherever that may be. And I'd love any feedback. I'll get some pictures on here as soon as I figure out how, so you can put a face to the words. I'm 27 years old, a mother of two beautiful kids, and a wife of five years. I work full-time as an Optometric Assistant and part-time in esthetics. When I'm not out at work, and I'm not sleeping, I can usually be found painting. I paint folk art, which I sell at craft markets and on eBay. It's pretty cool, I've got paintings all over Canada, the U.S. and Europe. Imagine that! It's all very surreal. My driving passion is writing. Last year I finished my first novel, and it's been sitting idle, collecting dust ever since. I'm very nervous about submitting it for publication, it's very personal, and I'm not brave enough for too much critism on it yet. Soon. Maybe. I have great friends,and a wonderful close-knit family, so I should be eternally thankful, which I am. But I have recently had some hiccups in my health, and although I'm praying for a good outcome, there is a possibility that I'm going to hear some life altering news. I'm awaiting some test results, and probably more poking and probing before I hear anything definate, so I still have lots of hope. And hey, even if I get the bad news, it just means I'll find ways to cope. Either way, whatever I hear or don't hear, it's really put life into perspective. I've had a few struggles in my life, so it's not like I can't survive. I find that when push comes to shove, I can be one tough cookie. If it doesn't kill you, it's bound to make you stronger, right? I survived becoming a single teenage mother. And everyday I survive living with an alcoholic husband. Yeah, I'll be okay. So if you don't mind reading about me, I don't mind sharing some tidbits of my life. Maybe something will connect with you, maybe your strength will get me through hard times. I'll give it a try. Thanks for reading my intro. Lots more to follow.
8 Aug 2005 - brand new day
Brand New Day
Hi All, I have a day off, to sit home and rest. Unfortunately it wasn't by choice, more out of order. I had mentioned that I was having some issues with my health, and today is another one of those icky days. About a month ago I woke up with a really sore right eye. It hurt! I went to see the Optometrist at my work who sent me to a specialist. They were thinking optic neuritis, and inflammation of the optic nerve. It hurts, it blurrs vision, and makes the colors seem a little off. All my symptoms. The good thing about optic neuritis is that it will go away and I will be able to see again, the bad thing is, is that sometimes it's linked to MS. I have been playing the waiting game, waiting for a response from the doctor, waiting for my vision to come back, waiting for some more tests. Your brain is an amazing piece of machinery. I am able to look out of both eyes and see two seperate images because one is really distorted. But the brain just tosses out the weird image and processes the good one, so I am able to work and live effectively. A few days ago I began having some troublesome eye symptoms in my left eye, which was my good eye. It was uncomfortable, and started going in and out of focus. I ignored it. Figured I was tired or what have you. But yesterday when I woke up, I couldn't ignore it any longer. I couldn't see. Everything was hazy. I was sent back in to see a specialist again. He had no answers. He doesn't think that it is optic neuritis. Now I'm scared. I was ok with hearing MS. I was prepared for MS. Now I'm unsure. I am booked for some tests this week, and I will see the specialist again next week. So this morning is really strange, vision-wise, I am able to focus for short periods of time, I can see colors and shapes, and I even saw a golf ball on the tv! But it only lasts a short time, and it goes hazy again and my eyes feel exhausted. So I'm typing this words and cannot see the screen at all, but it is sort of theraputic, calming. I'll be in touch as soon as I hear anything, or something changes
8 Aug 2005 - I woke up this morning ....alone
I woke up this morning...alone
Wow! This is all very surreal. I'm alone. My husband left last night. I am so proud of myself for making it through the night. This is painful but I'm thinking it must be a blessing in disguise. We have our problems, and I haven't been happy for a long time. I lost my best friend somewhere in between the bottom of a bottle and his deppression. His Mom is away on vacation so he went to her place. She'll be home in a few days, I guess he may just stay. The funny thing about all of the shit that's going on, is that I really would have worked through it, I think. I married him and I meant my vows. Strange, I lost my vision and the doctors are thinking it's something sinister, and I'm alone. Left to deal with the outcome. The treatment. The kids. He packed his things and he walked out the door like he was going for pizza. It seemed relatively easy, that he could just go like that. He took the letter that I wrote him, and he was gone. I'm doing all those break up things now. Questioning me. Listening to all those really sad songs. Crying my head off. I just don't know how to be me. I have to learn who I am if I'm not a wife. Sounds weird. I was born without a husband, and I have to remember who that girl was. I know I'll be okay. Logically I know that. But my heart still hurts really bad regardless. I wish we didn't have kids together. That we could have a clean break. I wouldn't have to see him, it wouldn't have to hurt. I'm not sure how I'll spend my day. But it's MY day. He won't be coming home for supper. I'll have to find new things to look forward to, this is all very new to me. I'll be in touch.
8 Aug 2005 - day number two
Day number two....
Well world...I woke up alone again. I feel really good today. We got a kitten lat night and I named her Serenity. She's very little, she was the runt, and she cried all night long, she hates to be alone. What a cutie. I painted yesterday too, first time in a while, it was very theraputic. The sun is shining, the weather's warm. I feel strong. What a good day. Yesterday I rearranged furniture, I put up new curtains and hung some pictures. Pretty good for a partially blind girl. I want my place to feel like mine. It will be nice when he gets the rest of his stuff out of here. I may start packing things in boxes so I don't have to look at them. Or maybe I won't. Can't make his life easy forever. Lord knows, he hasn't made things easy for me. So today I think I'll paint some more. Maybe little to some happy music. Cook something really good for supper. Kiss my kids. Find something to laugh at, a good belly laugh. You see, I know that I've had bad days. And I know that I will have bad days again. But today is a really good day. And I'm going to squeeze every ounce of positivity out of it. So that when I have a bad day, maybe it won't feel so bad. I'll know that it's just a matter of time before I have a really great day again. Thanks for listening. Oh yeah, by the way, he called last night. I answered, but I really had nothing to say to him. He said he was doing okay. Good. Now I don't feel so guilty for having a great day.
8 Aug 2005 - the first day of the rest of my life
The First Day of the Rest of My Life
The sun is shining. My kids are laughing. My dog is laying at my feet. And I have no brain tumor. Today is a perfect day. It is the first day of the rest of my life. For some reason, I was given another chance. I'm supposed to be somebody, make something out of my life, and that's why I have no tumor. There are so many things that I need to accomplish...things I haven't done, paintings I haven't created yet, lives I haven't touched. I get to live. I get to be a brand new me. I get a second chance. For whatever reason, I needed a wake up call. A reason to thank God for waking up everyday. A reason to live and learn and love. I am filled with a sense of acceptance, forgiveness. If you have wronged me in the past, guess what? I'm over it. I don't have room in my life for that anymore. I can't carry around bad feelings, it does nothing for my spirit, for making me be all that I can be, who I'm supposed to be. I have found a peace in myself that I have never known, ever. Right here and now, I am feeling like me, finally. It doesn't matter that my material possessions are few, it doesn't matter that my home isn't as big and fancy as others, it doesn't matter that my money is scarce, or I don't have a closet full of new clothes. It doesn't matter that I'd like to lose ten pounds, or that I haven't kept one of my New Year's resolution, ever, and that I buy what's on sale instead of what's the better product. None of these petty things matter, not in everyday life, or the scope of what my life will turn out to be. Today is an excellent day. Best day of my life. I am loved by the greatest people I know. I've got family that accepts me with whatever I do. I've got two kids that think I'm fun and crazy because I dance with them in the livingroom, and I ride my pretend horse out of their room every night. I've got friends who know every mistake I've made, my most embarrassing stories and they still love me. My truest friend is my biggest fan. She listens without judging. She brags about me, even when I'm within earshot. She feels pain when I hurt. She has the same sense of humor as I do, and she loves me unconditionally. Everyone needs one of her in your life. I know that wherever I go, whatever I do, she'll be right there. And that makes my world. I don't tell her enough how much she means to me, how much I love her, but I'm going to start today. Because maybe I'm all out of tomorrows. Maybe anyone of us are. Today I am at peace. I love who I am. I've made choices that brought me to this point in my life, everything that has ever had any purpose has brought me right here, to this moment in time. And thank God for that. Because I love this place. Everything seems clear to me. At peace. So here's my advice for today. Make a great day. Make a really great day.
8 Aug 2005 - reflections of the girl I used to be
Reflections of the girl I used to be
Once upon a time....(don't you just love fairy tales?)..there was a beautiful blonde girl with bright big blue eyes. She was the baby in the family, and was spoiled rotten constantly. She got all the material possessions she could ever want, her family loved her terribly. She was the apple of her Daddy's eye. She grew up and rode horses, loved animals, wanted to become a vetrinarian. She was so smart, all of her teachers told her so. She was on her way to make it big. She had to, everyone was counting on her to be what they weren't. When she got a little older things changed a bit, she didn't want to do what she was told. She wanted to make her own mistakes. She rebelled. She got tattoos. She met a boy who was so wrong for her, she fell in love, he broke her heart. He was rough, but she would tame him, she had to, nobody thouht she could, she had to prove them wrong. She was in high school, almost finished, when things changed. All of a sudden the big plans for the future had shifted, no vetrinary school, no trips around the world. Not even prom night, the dress was too tight, the new growing belly was too big. But her Daddy sat her down and told her how much he loved her, she was going to make a great mom, and she was still the apple of his eye. She made him a grandfather a few short months after that. It was her and the baby against the world. She adored that little baby, she worked hard to make a life for them, she went back to school, she worked two jobs, she was going to be someone, and now someone was depending on her. And now all of a sudden she was adored by a young man, he wanted to spend his life with her, he wanted to be a daddy to this fatherless baby. He wanted to give up his youth, the parties, all of it, to play house with this ready-made family. He did a really good job. They had a new little baby together, they had a big wedding, they had so much fun. He was a great dad, he made her feel like a princess. The years went by and they were happy, they had each other, after all, they had it all. This was true love, this was a marriage, this was security. Things started changing, slowly at first, she didn't feel so safe anymore, where was he? Why was he drinking so much? She wondered what she had done wrong, she didn't see that it was his problem. He stopped talking to her, he stopped buying cards, going out on dates, he always forgot to tell her he loved her. He ignored her, she fought with him, gave him ultimatums. He left...........................................
And last night he came back, and we talked, and he lay down beside me and had the first good sleep in a while. I don't want to give up. I married him and I meant my vows, as long as he's willing I will work through this. Everyone seems to give up, get divorced, move on. I know in my heart that I love him, and he loves me. Things got mixed up. Life wasn't fair. But I am okay on my own too. I know that I am going to have a great life. I am on my way. This is my journey. He's welcome along. But he needs to remember that a marriage is tough at the best of times, with two people working together. It's impossible to be a marriage by yourself. He can come on this ride that is my life, or he can stay back. But he needs to remember that I'm someone special. And he needs to remember how lucky he is to be allowed to share my life. After all, I am important, I am someone's best friend, mother, sister, aunt, cousin, daughter, and the apple of my Daddy's eye.
8 Aug 2005 - I must be out of my mind....at least I'm not the only one
I must be out of my mind...at least I'm not the only one
I need a reality check. I need a slap in the face or a can of whoop ass opened on me or something. What has my life become? I am so not the girl who is drawn to drama, well at least not in my own life, you know, I've never minded hearing about other peoples troubles, but I don't want to be involved. Tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me I did the right thing. Tell me I'm not a bad wife. I need some validation. I feel terrible.
I'll start at the beginning, well the beginning of the night anyway. We were going for supper, my husband, my sister and myself. He drank like a fish out of water. He got nasty. He hated me. He was leaving. We got back to my sister's house and he was talking funny. He was telling me we were done and he was giving me the easy way out. He said it would only hurt for a little while, and I could get on with my life. I told him that I didn't sign up for the easy way, I wanted to be his wife, we would get through anything together. He was drunk, he wasn't himself, he was scaring me. He said that everything he has ever done in our marriage was for me, and this was for me too. He kept saying, "just take the easy way" over and over. I asked what my options were, if I knew than I could decide which "way" to take. And that's when it started. The suicide talk. The "it would be better if I wasn't here" talk. The "you've got people to get you through it, it will only hurt for a little while" talk.
I pray to God that each and everyone of you reding this will never experience the sheer terror that I felt when I understood the gravity of what he was saying. He wanted to die. He wanted to go "away forever". This is my husband. My love. The father of my kids. I would lay down and die for this man, I would kill for him, and I would never let anyone, anyone take him without a fight.
I have no experience with suicide. No training. No background. I had to find someway to connect to this man, this poor broken man that was out of hope, out of energy. He couldn't find a reason to live. Whatever pain he feels in his heart, feels beyond any joy that I could remind him of. I tried as best as I could to reassure him that he was sick, that he could get help, that there are things to look forward to, dreams to accomplish. He was beyond my grasp. I couldn't reach him. I got up to touch him physically, to remind him that I was connected, that I loved him, and I would love him better. He got up and paced, he shook, he sobbed, he screamed. He could no longer hear me. I was out of options. I called 911.
I sent my husband to jail tonight. I cared enough to dial those three numbers, and it almost kills me. I saw a scared little boy trapped in my husband's body, he was crying for help, he was desperate. I loved him like a mother tonight. He needed help. It was beyond anything that I could do for him. He is depressed and an alcoholic. Anti depressants don't mix with alcohol. But who am I to care for this guy. I become the nag if I try to talk about it.
I hope that he understands that I am here through anything. I am his forever girl. I am the one. I loved him enough to save his life tonight, and someday, I hope he gets that. This scared little boy needs help. I need help. I want my prince back, my night in shining armor. And if it means I have to be his rock for now, I'm there. Sign me up. I would do anything for him. Absolutely anything. Even send him to jail tonight so he can see the sunrise tomorrow. He deserves to live, to be happy, to watch his dreams come true.
I need to sleep tonight. He is safe. He has someone to watch over him. I'm exhausted. And I love this man desperately.
I'll be in touch.
8 Aug 2005 - one little voice.......
One little voice.......
Well world, it's me again. It's Monday, another weekend has come and gone. In spite of all that is going on, I had a great time. I have the best friends in the world, and I've become conscience of the times we are sharing today will be my great memories of tomorrow. I have really been trying to make everything that I can out of everyday. To squeeze everything I can out of each day. Time keeps moving us forward no matter what, so doesn't it just make sense to find something good, something to enjoy about today? Whether we have saddness or fear or laughter, when we close our eyes tonight, today will be gone forever. I want all of my todays to have a purpose, something bigger than a paycheck or housework or cooking supper. I want to touch someone's heart. I want to make someone else realize their potential, to make them feel important. We all have a role to play, we all have a purpose. I found a cute little saying that sums it up...."To the whole world you are only one person, but to one person you could be the whole world." So true. Last night I connected to my husband. Finally I touched his heart. I gave him hope. I saw a glimpse of my man. He asked for help. He is on his way. He's going to get better. He's trusting me. He's hanging on with blind faith until he can get back to himself. He reached the bottom this time, he found his lowest point and now he's ready to make things right. He kept questioning me, kept asking why I'm here after all that he's done, after all the times he's let me down. I took him by the hand and sat him next to me while I read each one of my entries. I let him in on all of my feelings and the thoughts that I have been sharing with each and everyone of you. He got it. I saw the light in his eyes in spite of his tears. He understood at that moment in time that he was ready to get help. This morning before he walked out of the door he came back to kiss me three times and to tell me how much he loved me. He was smiling. Today he had hope. He told me to wait and see, he was going to get better. I touched his heart. I live to do that. I know that in reading through these entries, many of you probably had thoughts that I should give up on him. Afterall, he was hurting my heart. And a few weeks ago, before I had my wake up call, I might have thought the same thing. Might have thought it wasn't worth it. But today I know different. He knows that he needs help, and I helped him see that. He's going to get better. My kids are going to have their Dad back. I get my forever. I looked at my page views for this week, and 108 people have read my entries. Amazing to me. 108 people have read my innermost thoughts and feelings. Have listened silently while I vented my personal struggles. Maybe you've cried along with me. Maybe you've thought I was crazy for sticking it out. Maybe I touched your hearts. I'd like to know. Send me a note, tell me your feelings, tell me I'm crazy or stong or a fool, whatever. Let me know I've been heard. a25m26@hotmail.com. I'll be in touch. Thanks for listening, again.
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