I just hung up the phone with Hubby who was rather annoyed that I have to work two evenings this week.Blah...
I'm left feeling, I don't really know how to describe it.
I am torn with feelings of over-exertion and lack of balance.
How is it possible to do whatever it is that is expected of me? I want to be successful, at home and in my shop, but how do I find the balance?
We don't lead a normal life. It's not like I have this family at home with two parents and I can spend quality time with everyone any evening that I choose. It's not like that at all.
So Hubby thought the solution was to work part-time, and it probably would solve all of my issues, but I can't seem to say no. This week, for example, I was asked for Monday appointments, twice. When I explained that I'm only open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, both clients, regular clients, then asked me to fit them in for an evening on any of those days.
I didn't say 'no'. I didn't know how. I still have bills that have to be paid at the shop, I need the income...so how do I find the balance?
I feel good that I own my own business, good that I've planned it and opened and people come on a regular basis. I've managed to create it, and I enjoy what I do.
On the other hand, I miss being at home. I am sad that I leave my smallest and last baby in the care of other people so that I can go work at a place that pays it's own bills but doesn't pay me....
I am upset that when Hubby is here for a week I spend the majority of time at work and not with him.
I feel overwhelmed when I can't seem to get the housework under control because I have 400 different places to be and take the kids and it just spirals out of control.
I don't know what the solution is.
Working part-time....I don't know if that's the right choice. I don't know, in such a small town, if I can be less accommodating and still pay all of the bills I have just to keep the doors of the shop open. And besides that, I don't know how to say no....
When my head is quiet and I listen to that voice that is probably my conscience I hear it saying that I am supposed to be home. I am supposed to be keeping house and guiding the kids. They won't be this small for long. It says there will be plenty of time for business successes once I've raised them.
But my head always interrupts my heart...it's intrusive and obnoxious and says things that makes me second guess my heart....
My head tries to be logical and deliver messages of finances, and opportunities and defining success.
My head and my heart cannot agree.
When I was home for two years with the kids I felt different. I wanted to have a way to contribute to the family finances, to prove that I was able to juggle everything seamlessly, and to have a sense of security about my abilities. I wanted a break from the everyday struggles of having children underfoot constantly without a break. I wanted conversations that didn't involve sippy cups and homework.
And now that I've gotten that, why am I second guessing my choice?
I do get to leave the house. I do have other people watch the baby. I opened a business and I have clients.
I didn't bank on the fact that I wouldn't have enough income to not pay myself. I didn't bank on the inability to handle everything all the time-I thought I could manage it all much easier.
I overheard my father talking to his aunt about me last night, he spoke genuinely about how proud I make him, about how I've got so much on my plate but I deal with it.
I wanted to scream out loud. I feel like I can't deal with it all. It's too much.
The ones I care about are getting less and less of me. My husband expressed his displeasure on the phone earlier because I will be working two evenings while he's home. The kids....I feel like I'm failing them. But I'm scared that if I close the shop then it will also give them license to give up on their desires when things get tough.
This is just a stage, as I already said, they won't be this small forever...but I feel that I am at a crucial age with each one of them, that I should be more available and have more patience and time.
What is the answer? There is no answer that can satisfy everything or everyone.
I feel under tremendous amounts of stress, unhealthy stress. I'm feeling lost and confused....and very very alone.
I just want to make my choices and feel good about them.
I look toward the future and I feel like we are caught in a spiral. We have to live apart. If we spend, make bills, want to eat and have a roof over our heads, we have to live apart.
Unless...we make a different choice. Make sacrifices. Change the course.
But today, the world and all of it's problems seem to be resting alone on my shoulders. I can feel my knees buckling under the pressure, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before something lets go...
...and I have a feeling that it will be me....
Thanks for checking in.
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