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4 Apr 2005 - I just don't know
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I just don't know what to do any more. I am trying to be 'just his friend' but I am feeling more and more hurt every day. I love the fact that we talk almost every night, and that we talk more and more often about the important things. I was planning on getting Jays tickets and arranging with his mom to watch the little guy and showing up on his door step and surprising him by bring him to Toronto. I couldn't get a hold of his mom and now it's too late. I keep telling myself that he just needs a good friend, and I like him enough to be just that, a good friend, I was willing to put my feelings for him on the back burner and give him the open friendship that I though he needed. I just don't know if I can do that to myself anymore. There's this girl at work, who likes him, they talk at work, and he gave her his number. (I'm crying ugh!) That's fine, I figured she forced him into giving it to her. She stays late to talk to him and blah blah blah, he says he's not interested, but she came in tonight and told me that he called her last night! (hating myself cause I'm crying even harder now!) Why did he call her?? What is so wrong with me??? The ladies were getting angry when she told them. They don't know what's up with him. They say she is nothing compared to me, but that's obviously not the case with him. I know no one is worth my tears, but he is, I can't even explain how it hurts, it just does. I was soo excited to surprise him, I don't know why I thought it would work out, I just wanted him to be happy, he deserves a day away from everything. I was afraid that he would be upset because I was gonna get his mom to watch the baby, and that he might think I had alterior motives, but honest to God, that's not what I was thinking. I honeslty just want him to be happy. That's what pisses me off about this whole calling her thing, not the fact that he called her, but the fact that I'm upset about it. I'm not being fair to him because it's like I'm saying if he's not with me I'm gonna put up a fuss if he's with someone else. He doesn't know that I feel this way, I would never tell him and risk losing what we have, but then I think that we really don't have anything if I can't be honest with him. I don't know, I'm so confused. I wnat to be honest with him and tell him how I feel, but then that will put him in an awkward position, because he doesn't have the same feelings. I want to tell him, but I don't want anything to change between us, I want him to still tell me things that are bothing him, I want him to be open with me, but I'm not being open with him. I want to be, but I'm stuck between a rock and an hard place. Why did he call her????? I know i'm back to this, but like, common! I can pretend all I want, but it still won't take the hurt away. I know it's not his fault, it's completly mine. What I don't understand is why I keep asking her about it, like I like to torture myself. I did it with his other ex too, she would come to me for advice about him, and I would give it because I figured even if I wasn't happy, if he was happpy that's all that mattered. So I would tell her things that i knew would make him smile. I don't understand why these girls come to me to gush over him, it's like a stab in the heart, but at the same time I like hearing anything about him. I'm sick, I'm twisted, I'm broke and no one can fix it.
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