Current time in my woods
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Overall I am a forgiving person. There are lots of things I do tolerate. And even more of those which I do not appreciate, but still can accept. This is the system of my beliefs and values. I am aware that for every person this system is different. And it is fine. I am only responsible for my own.
They say: forgive to free yourself from a burden…huh? Which burden? The way I see it my unforgiveness has a purpose. It protects me. Not from ex, no. But by remembering my values I am holding on to them. And in my personal values betrayal by a friend is bad, very bad. I don’t see any reason to change this to “anyone can do anything to me and get away with it”. I can comfortably accept the fact the ex has left my life. But I will never forgive how he did it. And, “shock and horror!” , I don’t feel that I should.
I am fortunate not to have to deal with him now and for the rest of my life, since our son is matured enough to handle his personal relationships with his dad by himself. I’m aware of them communicating and I have no issues with that whatsoever. But for me personally the door is closed. I haven’t said or send a single word to him since last August. I do not own anything to him and neither does he – to me. Gee, isn’t it amazing - I can live through the rest of my life and never see this person and strangely it doesn’t feel sad or uncomfortable anymore. I found it interesting that when we were doing exercises at the seminar and some of them required to think of the good times from your past, strangely what came to my mind was never related to my shared life with this man. As if he never existed. And the same time I know with confidence that at a time I was happy to be married to him and we have had lots of good memories together. It is as if my subconscious blurred all these years into one smudge of memory block, colourless and detached. Perhaps it is a protection mechanism at work. It doesn’t really matter. Because if I would have just the bad memories of it, they would keep me in a constant loop of self-pity. And if I’d have lots of good memories, I would permanently feel loss and regret. I am amazed at how my own subconscious have found a way the most useful to help me to move on. I have knowledge of what have happened in my “previous life”, but I have no emotions about it. And I have a learned lesson. And when I choose my friends now, I will make sure our values match.
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