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28 May 2001 - weird dream
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Last night I dreamt that I moved into an apartment in the same complex as the one my mother died in. It was a beautiful place in my dream but when I started to move my stuff in, I realized that it was full of someone elses furniture. In the beginning of the dream, it was stylishy decorated but as time went on, it became old and ugly. I tried and tried to get someone from the leasing office to come down and look at the contents - I was trying to figure out what to do with it and who the rightful owner was. But no one ever came. I started going through some of the drawers and found pictures of a blonde woman (I have never seen before) and of her daughter. I was upset because I thought I was in the house of a woman who had left her child even though the child was not there. The last thing I remember is having the thought that she had left her dog there with me (a small one) and that I needed to care for it.... ok...what does that mean?????
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28 May 2001 - inbreeding at it's best
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the tv is on the x-files and it is the episode to top all episodes. The one with the family of inbreds who keep their torso-mother (yes, literally a torso) under the bed on a rolling cart. Of course they roll her out now and again to have sex with her. YUMMMMMY! I thought I remembered that they were not going to show this one again because it was too offensive. Too offensive...ha....that is entertainment!!! I talked to my sister today and was dragged over the coals for even considering staying at my boyfriends house instead of going to my brothers. She went on and on and on and on about how I should not move in with the boyfriend to avoid going to my brothers house. How she was dissapointed in me and that I need to stop making choices that make my life worse. Choices she does not agree with. Well, my boyfriend and I have talked about our situation (before today) and the fact that we would probably not be moving in together if not for my need of a place to stay. What we discussed was that I am here ALL the time anyway and since my stuff is going to storage - not his house - that there is not a lot of difference in what we have been doing so far. And I can have my dog here - which I cannot at my brothers house. But when my sister starts in on me, I find myself - at 29 years old - feeling like a child. I don't really argue with her and I find that I just want the conversation to be over. I am so dependent on her for money right now that I am not sure how much I can stand up for myself. When things were better for me and she would take on this parental type stance, we had HUGE fights. At that time, I was taking care of things on my own and did not have to answer to anyone. Now these types of things just leave me feeling like the trap I am already in just got a little bit smaller. I know she worries about me and I know she loves me but I also know that everytime she tries to control me or judges me there is more distance between us. Particularly now when I just want to avoid everyone that reminds me I have dissapointed them. And apparently, the list is growing.
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