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5 Jun 2001 - Packing, megaphones and wishes
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I took my dog to the vet today because she can't seem to stop chewing on her on skin. It had become so bad this weekend that I got in touch with the local Humane Society to see if they could treat her for less cost than a private vet. They could and today was the only time they had available. Luck was with me as they had a cancellation - they were booked for 3 weeks. So, off we went and for a really reasonable price they gave my dog all of her shots, a heartworm test , preventative heartworm medicine and meds for her skin. She now has to wear one of those collars that looks like a megaphone. Poor baby. Since I put it on her this afternoon she has managed to run into me dozens of times (she is no longer sure of her width) and walls have now become her enemy. Thank goodness she found a way to put her head down so she can sleep. Oh the guilt.... I packed a lot of stuff at that "other house" today and I hope I can muster the energy to jump out of bed early tomorrow and get it finished once and for all. In all honesty, I will get it finished but I doubt there will be any jumping involved. I miss my home today. It has been on my mind a lot and I would give just about anything to be able to go back to my apartment with dog in tow. One big thing would be missing - my cat - but I still want to go home. I am finally realizing that all of this worrying and fretting over where I am going to stay all comes down to the same painful truth. I no longer have a home for myself. A place where I take care of things and my dog and I can live as we want. This disorder I have has taken that away and my heart aches to have it back. I miss all of it. My car - it was so pretty and it was the nicest one I have ever had. I miss decorating my house and being surrounded by the things that I love. I miss being alone. I am never alone anymore. I miss my porch. I lived on the 4th floor of the apartment building and outside my door was nothing but woods full of tall trees and kudzu. It was beautiful in the summer. My bedroom windows faced the same direction so I could lie in the bed in the morning and watch nature. I miss my bird feeder. I think I must have been the only tenant there that had one because it seemed as though every bird living in those trees came to my house to eat. All kinds of birds. I even had a woodpecker so huge that he almost broke the feeder. My cat loved that too. She would sit in front of that window and watch them for hours. If I tried to let her out on the porch, she refused. Too scary! But she could watch. I miss her too. So badly sometimes that I can't stand it. I feel guilty about that too. She came from the local animal control when she was a kitten and although I did not know it at the time, I got her on the day that my mother died. She was a gorgeous silver tabby and even though she was a crazy kitten, she grew into be the sweetest cat I have ever had the pleasure to know. She trusted me and she felt safe with me and my dog. She deserved that considering that there was no telling where she had been before I got her. Anyway, when my roommate and I first moved into that house, I let her use my bed one night because hers had not arrived yet. I was going to stay at my boyfriends house and it was fine with me. The only thing I had asked is that she keep the cat in my bedroom with the door closed. You see, my cat was a COMPLETELY indoor cat and she was very frightend of my roommates dogs. Well, when I came home the next day, my cat was gone. Apparently my roommate wanted to have her dogs in the bedroom with her and she left the door open. There was a closet in the another room that had an opening to the crawlspace below and I am sure that is how the cat got outside. But no matter how it happened, I would not see my cat again until my boyfriend and I picked her body up from a neighbor that found her dead in the street. My point here is that I feel like if I had been able to keep my life together and stay in my home this would not have happened. She was safe when it was just me and that was the job I had taken on....to take care of her and protect her. I know how afraid she must have been in those two weeks that she was lost and I never thought I would have an animal whose ending would be so violent. Never did I imagine she would be hit by a car. I feel as though I failed and she paid the ultimate price for that failure. I wish I could go back in time and change something. I don't know what I could change but I would find a way to keep my home and keep my cat alive. I sure do miss her....
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