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25 May 2001 - A dogs tale
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The title of this just about says it all. I have felt terrible all day from a kidney infection and the only good thing that happened was I spent some quiet time with my favorite friend, my dog. She has been so unhappy at my house and I am never there which makes it worse. I spend most of my time feeling guilty about leaving her with my roommate. I feel quilty for both of them. And today I think I was reminded of what a sweet soul she is. She was special from the beginning of her life when I found her, six weeks old and nearly frozen in someones yard. It was about 2 degrees outside and the owner had left an entire litter of puppies outside. When I saw her, I thought she was she already dead. But she made a tiny little noise and that was all the motivation I needed to hop the fence and scoop her up into my arms. My friend and I rushed her to the emergency vet clinic and when they examined her she registered no temperature. Her brown eyes were so glazed over that they appeared to be blue. The outlook was so grim that the vet told me they did not expect her to make it through the night. But she did. She had some frostbite and about a week after I brought her home, a piece of her tail fell off in my hand. AHHHH! But despite all of the logical reasons I could not have a dog, my mother kept telling me that I found her for a reason and that she should stay with me. Thank god I listened to her. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without her. Less complicated, I suppose but not nearly as fullfilling. She grew to be quite large (70lbs) and did her fair share of doggie destruction in her puppy days. All the shoes, books, furniture that she chewed was so worth it. I would not trade her for anything in the world. I only wish I could hold on to her forever. Protect her forever. But as I learned with my cat, that is an impossibility. So, since I can't articulate to her how very much she means to me (although I think she knows) I can love her with all of my heart. I can protect her from most things and I can appreciate every moment we have together. I just hate that the time is so short. She is already six years old and I worry about the day I can no longer be with her. No sense in that, I suppose. Just love her for now, right?
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25 May 2001 - In Biblical times, they would stone me
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I got an email from my roommate today. She wants me out in two weeks. I can't really blame her as I have not been able to pay her much in the last couple of months. Now I feel even more lost and desperate than before. I am unsure of where I will go or what I will do next. None of my choices are good and they are limited. There is my brothers house - which is an extremely awkard situation and then there is my boyfriends house. I cannot even begin to explain all the complications that could go along with that option. My life is out of control. It has taken all that I have to experience a few good days in the last week and all for what? Another loss and more life changing decisions. I am in awe of what I have made of my life and sometimes it seems pointless to go on. I walk around as if some answer is going to fall out of the sky and save me. It will not. And I don't have the tools I need to make things better. I was feeling pretty good this week and optimistic about my appointment with the disability people and with the county for behavioural therapy. In reality I know that none of that stuff has changed but I am so discouraged. I don't even know if I have the energy to handle all of this. I will have to call my sister and let her know. There is another guilt avenue of mine. I will need her help and I am tired of needing her help - just as I am sure she is tired of it too.
If anyone has any ideas - please let me know. I could use some advice.
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