"About all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."(Proverbs 4:23)
4 Sep 2008 - ....
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Dear Diary, I'll be leaving to my first Japan trip in two days, and I surely have some mixed feelings now. Excited and overwhelmed at the same time, I'm not sure if I'll enjoy this trip. It's because I have to spent the next five days with my mom and the relatives, I do feel trapped. However, I want to have fun, I want to be happy! Happiness which I haven't felt for so long; not to even mention "joy".... Dear Diary, have I ever told you that I often feel rejected by my mom? I've never known why, until she told me earlier this year. I've heard it but I didn't realize how that's affecting me, and now I feel like it's coming. Mom told me that she never intended to have a second child, which is me. From all the things that she told me in a casual manner, I did feel hurt and rejected. From the moment I was conceived, she never thought she was pregant. Thus, she wasn't taking good care of her body. In contrast, my brother was being taken good care of since my mom would eat right. Me? she wasn't care because she didn't want to have me. When I was a baby I cried a lot, but she wouldn't hold me at nite (according to my dad and mom herself). She said she was frustrated and tired to take care of me since I cried a lot. What about now? She'll never have tantrum with my brother, no matter what he does or doesn't. Me? It seems that everything I do is never right. She would yell at me and upset with me for no apparent reason, at least I didn't think I cause it. She'll always be sarcastic when she wants to make a point to say something about me. She just wouldn't let go of any chances to put me down. At my young age, I learned not to talk back. Why? Because she's always right and I'm always wrong, no matter the reasons and situation. She would always say things that contradict her words. One day she would tell you're okay to do such thing, the next day she said it's not okay. I've never tried to please her, because it has no use to do so. Sadly, she couldn't accept for who I am too. Dear diary, who can tell me what I can do to my life? I don't care how other people see me, but it seems that I don't get approval at home.... I'm not accepted by my family. It hurts so much to even have this thought. Why? God why do you have to bring it up?? Why here? Why now? Honestly, I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't see myself being successful. I don't see myself living happily ever after. I don't see myself getting married.....
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4 Sep 2008 - His Sacred Words
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Just when I was upset and feeling hopelessness 15 mins ago in writing, I opened up my devotional book. I have no intention to get any comfort from the words; however, seeing the book is sitting on the shelf I thought "why not give it a try". His words have brought me great deal of comfort, and yes God is faithful in all the difficulty. I just need to learn to shut up and stick with him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sept 4, 2008 --John 13:7
"Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." Deut 8:2
"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." Eze 16:8
"" 'Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine." Heb 12:6
"because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son" 1 Peter 4:12-13
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 2 Cor 4:17-18
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~His words said it all because He knows & understands!
Thank you Lord for your comfort and encouragement.
Thank you for your faithfulness and loving kindness~
This is the lesson, test, trial, I have to go through.
This is the family that you placed in my life.
No I do not realize what You're doing,
but I pray later I will come to understand.
Because You've shown me Your way.
Thank you Lord, amen.
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