"About all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."(Proverbs 4:23)
4 Aug 2008 - 該不該誠實?
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有一件事情在兩個多禮拜前發生, 它一直成為在我心裡的不安. 話要說回去年從加拿大回來的時候, 我的 fido phone plan contract 還有 22個月才約滿. 當時我想放著比即時 cancel phone plan 還要便宜. 後來, 朋友 G 說她可以用我的那個手機號碼, 也會付每個月的帳單. 我很興幸她的幫忙, 讓我可以省錢. 但是, 上個月她把 sim card 弄掉了, 她自己也不知道直到我打電話給她. 我當時的感覺是, 1) 怎麼弄掉了不知道 2) 她打算不用這個手機號碼, 為什麼沒有告訴我? 也許, 她只是這個月不用? 但是我想她不用負責這個 contract, 也不需要付錢.... anyways, 我發現 sim card 已經被別人拿了, 因為我打過去的時候有個人接線... 所以, 事情發生後我一直不想跟她再說什麼, 也許不要再連絡. 似乎, 我不想再跟她連絡是有點太極端思想, 其實我也不知道我怎麼了. 是我逃避 conflicts 的方法? 還是我真的有那麼生氣? 不過我是真的很討厭 deal with this kind of stuff, which i need to contact fido and report. 但是, 這個禮拜因為某一些事情, 我決定要坦白告訴她. 我跟她說我為什麼有這些想法, 還有在她不知情之下對她生氣. 我也請她原諒我. 其實, 錢我倒是不太在意, 她也不需要對這 contract 負責.我是覺得我希望她先告訴我她不用這電話, 那我也好提早處理.我知道她是好心幫我用我的電話, 然後付費.不過她 email 回我時說, "but it surprised me, that instead of feeling grateful, that anger and bitterness would result.Who are we? why as children of God are we bogged down by things of this world, which fades and tomorrow is gone into the fire?...." She did admit it was her fault losing the sim card. But, I didn't mean to make her feel guilty; in fact, I did apologize and asked for forgiveness that I shouldn't hold grudges toward her. I was being honest in the email to tell her what I felt and now I wouldn't want it to be hidden. Now, I feel even more uncomfortable not knowing if I did the right thing to confess my feelings. Because in her replied email, she seemed to be hurt and shocked by my honesty. sigh.... what did I do? Did I even do the right thing? I ...really... have ...doubt... and yes, is that really important of the phone card that I want to end this friendship? Great, now I feel more stupid to having this anger, to have this narrow heart to calculate every mistakes someone makes? Not that she had mentioned, but after reading her email... I felt that way, that I'm a person without grace and generosity....sigh....
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