Pairing: Joey and Nick
Words: absurdity; marathon; moisturiser; etiquette
"We're the stupid ones," Joey observed, sitting at the bar in Nick's den, sipping his orange juice. No alcohol, because of AJ, which officially made the party an exercise in Chinese water torture. His first clue should have been that it was an NSYNC/Backstreet Boys get-together.
"Yep," Nick said, nodding, watching Chris run by, chasing AJ with a super soaker.
"The idiots."
"Yep."
"Mine! You fucker, give that back!" Lance yelled, and sucker-punched Justin in the gut, before taking his Palm Pilot back from him.
Joey winced. "The morons."
"Uh huh."
JC followed Brian in from the patio. "No, really. Sunscreen is an excellent moisturizer. Take your shirt back off. Please?"
Brian shook his head and hightailed it into the hall. "Kevin!"
Joey looked sympathetically at JC, who pouted and went back outside. "We're dumb. Incredibly dumb. We couldn't find our way to the venues if Lance and Kevin weren't holding our hands. So why is it that we're the only ones who get along?"
"Because we're too stupid to know we're not supposed to?" Nick replied.
Joey raised his glass. "I'll drink to that." He took a deep drink of the orange juice, then coughed. "Or I won't. Damnit."
"Plus we're fucking."
"You think that's it?"
"Yeah. AJ wants Lance."
"Chris wants Howie. Says he was blind to not see how great he was in college."
"You think we could... y'know?"
"Set our friends up for some marathon fucking so that they'll get along and leave us alone?"
"Yeah, that."
Joey considered the matter for a long moment. "Kevin and Brian could be a problem."
"JC and Justin."
"You think Kevin would want to fuck Justin? J swears he's not gay, but you know. And JC and Brian."
Nick grinned as AJ shoved Justin into the pool. "Brian wouldn't. Even if we tied him to the bed."
"Ooh. We could tie Justin to the bed."
"Problem is, it's Kevin who, y'know."
"Is the kinky bondage slut?"
"Yeah, that."
"We could send them for Cheetoes."
"Kevin's allergic to artificial cheese flavoring." Nick grimaced as Justin climbed out of the pool, retrieved the barbecue sauce from the barbecue, dumped it over AJ, and pushed him into the pool.
"We're the stupid ones. We do stuff like that."
"Better make it Fritos."
"JC won't eat anything with corn in it. Says it's an offense to the spirits of the Aztecs."
Nick glanced from the window to Joey. "You're kidding, right?"
"Nope. Lays?"
"Wavy."
"Plain or the ranch-flavored ones?" Nick asked. "'Cause I really like the ranch-flavored ones."
"Some of each, definitely. Maybe we can make up a flavor or something? So they'll be gone longer."
"Nacho."
"Artificial-cheese flavoring?"
"Oh, yeah. Jalapeno?"
"Good. So why is we need to send all four of them again? And how do we convince Brian to get in a car with JC?"
"And can Timberlake go to the store without needing to call the local news, People, and the National Enquirer?"
"He's not that bad."
Nick raised his eyebrows.
"Okay, wise guy, what do you suggest?"
"Puppy dog eyes, definitely."
"Man, I can't do the puppy eyes. No one ever buys the puppy eyes coming from me."
"Tell them you want to get Lance and Chris alone so you can lecture them on the proper etiquette for behaving when they're at someone else's house?"
"That's fucking evil. I love it."
Nick gave a big, bright wide-eyed smile that made him look about fifteen. "What can I say? I get lots of time to think 'cause I'm too stupid to be allowed to make any decisions."
"You're blonde, there's a difference."
"What's your excuse?"
"I really am that stupid."
"I was kidding," Nick said.
"I wasn't." Joey toyed with his empty glass, not looking at Nick.
"Hey." Nick leaned across the bar, and ran his hand over Joey's hair. "Don't say that. Maybe they don't know better, but I do. Neither of us are stupid. Just not... um. Whatever it is that the rest of them are."
"Insane?"
"Right." Nick leaned further, found himself stopped by the bar, and pulled himself up to sit on it, so that he could kiss Joey.
Chris bounced to a halt in front of them. "So you guys going to have sex now?"
"No," Nick said, not looking away from Joey. "And what are you, five? Go away."
Justin came to see what Chris was looking at. "Ew, please. Not again. Not in front of us. That's really gross."
"No one asked you, J," Joey said. "Go away."
"You know," Lance observed from the doorway. "When you think about it, there's a certain absurdity inherent in a relationship between two guys from rival bands. It's like a twisted Romeo and Juliet, only..."
JC joined the growing crowd, clapping his hands. "I'm so happy for you both."
Nick sighed, closed his eyes, and rested his head against Joey. "They're not going to go away, are they?"
"Nope," Joey said cheerfully, then in a lower voice. "Time for Plan A, I think."
"Yeah. 'Cause if I don't get to have sex with you in my own house, I'm going to be a member of the Backstreet Boy band instead of the Backstreet Boys."
Joey grinned, and faced the people staring at them. "Hey, guys, I think we're out of chips."
"No, we're not--" Chris said.
"Yeah," Nick added. "We need, like, the ripple kind of chips. Wavy Lays."
"With ranch flavoring."
"And the jalapeno ones."
Kevin folded his arms. "Why do you need this now?"
"And, yo," Justin said, "why do we have to do it?"
Nick gave Kevin the puppy dog eyes. Kevin put up his hands and backed away. Nick quivered his chin.
"Stop it, Nick. That won't work anymore."
"Please, Kevin. It's really important to me."
Kevin threw up his hands and stalked out. "Fine. But Brian's coming with me."
Nick grinned at Joey, who pushed Nick off, hopped off his stool, and pulled Justin aside. "Look. I need you to do this for me. I mean, I know we don't need any more chips, but dude, Lance and Chris. They're just like, causing trouble today. I need to have a talk with them. If you could get JC out of the way, I'll, y'know, have a man-to-man chat about stuff."
Justin nodded sagely. "I know what you mean, Joey. It's cool. Some people just aren't mature."
"Exactly. Thanks, J. You're a real pal."
Five minutes later, Justin, JC, Kevin and Brian were in a car, and driving away. Nick bounded back from the stoop, where he'd been standing, giving Kevin more puppy dog eyes until the very last minute, just in case Kevin changed his mind.
"So, what next?"
"Lance is in the den, working on his Pilot. Chris is out on the deck, annoying AJ. I can't find Howie."
"Bathroom, probably. He does that. Goes and stands in front of the mirror and obsesses about everything that's wrong with the way he looks."
"What's wrong with the way Howie looks?"
Nick shrugged. "Nothing? I dunno. It's Howie, he's weird."
"Okay. Well, I know what to do about the Chris-Howie situation."
"Yeah?"
"Go tell Chris that Howie's always had the hots for him but was too shy to tell him about it. He'll believe it coming from you."
"What about Howie? How are we going to get him interested in Chris?"
"If he can resist the Chris Kirkpatrick Patented Seduction Experience, he's a better man than Eminem."
"Dude!" Nick said, impressed.
"That just leaves AJ and Lance."
"Yeah. That's a problem."
"It is?"
Nick nodded. "AJ's really shy about that stuff. When he likes someone, and doesn't just want to fuck them. He gets kinda crazy about it. Especially if he thinks they don't like him back."
"Wow. Weird. I woulda thought AJ was, like, the master of self-confidence."
"Yeah, well, he is. Just not, when it, like, matters."
"Hmm. I think I can work with that."
"You can?"
Joey smirked. "No one knows the Bass better than I do. Beneath that shy Southern boy exterior lurks a mastermind of world domination just waiting to get out."
"So you think..."
"He'll pounce on the idea of a shy AJ like a cat on a wounded bird. Once I accidentally spill a drink on his Palm Pilot."
"Orange juice?"
"Coke, I think. Stickier. More potential for permanent damage."
"He won't kill you for that?"
"Nah. I'm his friend. Plus, I'm too dumb to have done it on purpose. He won't suspect a thing."
Nick nodded solemnly and got him a can of pop out of the refrigerator behind the bar. "To the success of the stupid people."
Joey took it, and popped it open. "To the success of the stupid people, and great sex for all."
"Except Kevin."
Joey grinned. "Meet you in the bedroom in ten minutes."
"Naked."
"I love a man with a plan."
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