Pairing: Justin and Howie
Words: context; frugal; fruit salad; cutting
"Um, Justin?"
The bedraggled figure on the other side of the door wasn't the last person Howie expected to see, but he came close. "What are you doing here? How did you get here?"
"I... can I come in?"
Howie nodded and stepped back. Justin slinked by him, conveying an impression of whipped puppy. Smelled a lot like wet puppy, too. "I'll get you a towel."
Justin nodded. Howie came back and found him hunched near a wall, keeping it at his back. Howie handed him the towel, and watched him run it over his head. "Mind telling me now? I mean, we aren't exactly friends, and I didn't really expect to see you now -- or, well, ever."
"I needed someplace to go that no one would think to look for me. And Chris... Chris talks a lot when he's drunk, so I thought maybe you... I mean, I can go if you don't want me here."
He sounded tired. And whatever NSYNC was to him, to Backstreet, it didn't make Justin a threat. Even if Howie was going to have to have a word with his security people. "No, it's all right. You can stay for now." He tried a smile. "It's not like Nick doesn't show up at random occasionally."
Justin's eyes darted around. "He's not here now, is he?"
"No... are you in some kind of trouble?"
That drew a laugh, but the wrong kind, hollow and grating. "Not exactly. I just..."
"Yes?"
"Can you keep a secret?"
"Maybe. It depends on what it is. Some things shouldn't be kept a secret. If you've hurt someone or someone hurt you, then..."
Justin dropped the towel on the floor, and edged sideways toward the door. "Okay, yeah. I understand. No problem. Just... like... I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone I came here, okay? I didn't..."
Howie was really worried now. "What? Please, tell me what's going on?"
"You don't want to know. Really."
The other man was clearly frightened of him, and Howie didn't know why. He was getting the impression, though, that if he didn't do something, Justin was going to disappear and no one was going to see him again. Not whole anyway. The last time he'd gotten this feeling, he'd found Nick in the bathroom of his hotel cutting into his wrist with an Exacto knife. "I do want to know."
"Not this."
Howie laid his hand on Justin's forearm. The skin was cold, and he was trembling. "You came here for a reason. I don't pretend to know why, but I'm guessing it's because I'm outside whatever the problem is, and that I seem safe to you."
"Yeah." Justin calmed a little, looking down but not meeting his eyes.
"Okay." Howie let go of him and grabbed a woven blanket from the couch, then brought it back and wrapped it around Justin, who clutched tightly at it. "So what's wrong?"
"Promise you won't tell anyone."
Howie shook his head, and kept his eyes on the other man, trying to project sympathy. "I can't do that, Justin. If you need help..."
"That's not... look... there's people who could get hurt if I said... and maybe it was my fault anyway. I shouldn't have. No. He shouldn't have. And. Fuck!"
Yes. This was a lot like Nick. Except Nick had been breaking things, and Justin looked terrified even of Howie. Howie didn't really like the things that brought to mind. He was taking Justin's behavior out-of-context, that was what it was. If he knew what was going on... no. The terror was still strange. No one was ever scared of Howie. "I'm not going to tell anyone anything unless it's to stop someone from getting hurt or to make sure that someone isn't hurt in the future."
Justin looked up for the first time, and met Howie's eyes defiantly. "Even if I told you I was gay?"
Howie stuck out his hand. "Congratulations. So am I." Justin didn't shake it, and Howie let his hand drop.
"Oh," Justin said numbly. He looked shocked, and ready to collapse. "I didn't... I'm sorry."
"You haven't done anything. There's nothing to be sorry for. Especially not that. Do you feel like sitting down yet?"
"I guess."
Howie led him over to the couch, and sat him down, then sat down a safe distance away from him. Justin's knuckles were visible outside the blanket, holding it tight around him. He stared straight ahead, not looking at Howie.
He waited patiently, and was rewarded when Justin started to talk.
"Chris is dating a guy. You know. Em-- and he's really homophobic. The guy, not Chris. And it's not that Chris can't take care of himself, 'cause he can. I wasn't worried about Chris. I just thought that maybe I shouldn't be over there all the time, 'cause it might make it harder for Chris and the guy if the guy had to always be thinking that, y'know, I was thinking he was Chris' boyfriend or something."
Howie nodded.
"I couldn't hang out with Joey, because he's always with Bri and Kelly when he isn't doing movie stuff, and even if Lance would want to hang out, he's in Russia, and well, there's other people too, y'know, who aren't in the group, but when you get right down to it, they're the only ones who really understand, y'know?"
"Fruit salad," Howie said wisely.
"Um, what?"
"Something AJ says about us. When we're all apart, we're just a bunch of fruits, but when we're together, we're fruit salad." He smiled, then looked at Justin. "I suppose you had to be there."
"No, I think I get it. Kinda like how if you saw JC by himself in one of his outfits, or thought about Chris with his fashion design company or Lance with his Dr. Seuss obsession, or, well, a million things, you'd say, 'gay', but if we're all together and all doing it, it looks kinda normal. Well, music biz normal anyway."
"Exactly. So you couldn't hang out with your guys, and...?"
"Well, no. I couldn't hang with Joey or Lance or Chris, but that just meant JC. And JC's pretty cool, except for the frugal thing and the weird hair. We can really talk about music, and so no prob, right? And his boyfriend's been around for a while, and he's okay with the being gay thing."
Justin shivered. Howie hesitated for a moment, then reached out and laid his hand on Justin's leg.
He tensed. "Um..."
Howie withdrew. "I didn't mean..."
"No, I know. I mean, I wouldn't have come here if I thought... but I thought that he was... and I don't. Just please don't."
"I won't touch you."
"Thanks."
Justin's voice was very small, and Howie was suddenly completely and utterly certain of what had happened, and he wanted very much to be the kind of scary person who could deal with the person who had done this to Justin. But that was all right. He knew two people who were exactly like that. Kevin would want an explanation, but AJ would help him commit a murder and hide the body, no questions asked. Not that it had come up until now.
Howie set his hands ostentatiously on his legs. "What happened when you went to see JC?"
"He wasn't home. Just-- his boyfriend. I didn't. We don't talk a lot, 'cause well, up until the space thing, when we weren't really busy, everyone just wanted to do their own thing, and that was cool, because you need time when you aren't always doing something. But now, even with me recording and the publicity stuff that Chris and JC have been doing and Joey's movie thing, we've pretty much got all the free time we need, and... well, yeah. Not important. Just I hadn't talked to him much and I didn't really think it meant anything when he said he wanted to talk to me and get to know me. 'Cause I thought he wanted to, y'know, get to know the people JC spends all his time with. It made sense. Normal stuff that normal people do. Not that we're normal, not anymore, but I was cool with it. Except he wasn't... he didn't want to talk to me. I mean... he wanted to talk to me. Talk at me. Yell at me. He was mad at me. At all of us. At NSYNC. For doing stuff to JC. Except JC's happy. He would've said something if he wasn't happy. I think. C doesn't talk as much as Chris or me or even Joey, but he knows we'd listen if he was upset about something. And God, it's not like anyone can get JC to do anything he doesn't want to do."
Howie nodded and gripped his thighs to keep from reaching out to reassure Justin. He could tell Justin stories about the way Mandy had treated Nick, if it weren't a breach of Nick's privacy and if he didn't think doing so would interfere with Justin's story, now that he was finally talking.
"I didn't get it. Not until he was touching me. Putting his hands on me and saying these things about how we were probably all doing JC and he just wanted to get back what was rightfully his, and it didn't make any sense. What he was saying. It was stupid. And I should have hit him. I should have pushed him or left or did something. I should have known that he was. That he was."
Justin let go of the blanket and reached up to scrub at his face. Howie got the Kleenex and gave the box to him. Justin thanked him and blew his nose. He wasn't crying, not yet.
"I didn't want it," Justin continued. "But I must have 'cause I... and he did it. He... I didn't get away. And it's not like he hit me much or my arms were broken or anything."
"It wasn't your fault."
"You don't even know what it is."
"He raped you."
Justin was silent for a moment. "Yeah. He did."
"And you came to me."
Justin nodded.
"Do you think he's going to come after you? Was that what you were scared of? Are scared of?"
He shook his head. "No. Not really. I just... if I went to one of the guys, they'd know. And JC would know. I just... I can't tell him that I. That. It would be wrong."
"I think JC should probably be the first to know that his boyfriend is a rapist. He could be in danger."
"But he wouldn't -- the guy wouldn't have done anything if it weren't for me."
"Or he might have been hurting JC the whole time he's been with him."
Justin's eyes widened. "No. He can't-- we can't-- not JC."
"I think you need to talk to JC."
"What if--"
"If?"
"What if he doesn't believe me? I mean... I'm wrecking his relationship with this guy over something that... I could've. I..."
Howie sighed. "You have to tell him. Would it be easier if you talked to one of the others first? Chris, maybe? I have to tell you, I do know Chris well enough to say that he wouldn't be very happy with JC's boyfriend, no matter what you think happened. He's the kind of person who sides with his friends first, last and always."
"Yeah. I know. That's one of the reasons I didn't want to bug him when E-- when his boyfriend was visiting. 'Cause I didn't want him to pick me over him if there was a fight or something. And I knew he would, 'cause he's Chris. He would have chosen me even if it meant being unhappy for the rest of his life."
"Do you want to call Chris then?" If Justin didn't, Howie would. He knew the number.
"Yeah. I suppose. I just... it kinda defeats the purpose of hiding out here if I call one of the guys, y'know?"
"Except you knew that Chris and I keep in touch. You had to know that we're fairly close, and that I'd feel obligated to tell him about you."
Justin regarded him levelly. "Yeah, I guess I did. I'm sorry. I came here, but I... it wasn't really you I wanted to see."
"It's all right. The important thing is that you talked to somebody." Howie still had nightmares some nights of what might have happened if he hadn't walked into that bathroom. He very nearly hadn't. And if he hadn't, no one would have. Not that night.
Justin wasn't his, but Nick was, and while Howie didn't know who Justin belonged with, he was happy to keep him safe until that person found him.
He gave him the phone, and watched while Justin dialed Chris' number.
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