Last night, last show. Can you tell how glad I'll be to have a long weekend so I can catch up on my sleep, not to mention my life? Moral of the story: Never, ever, ever get invested in a reality show contestant. Not if you want to maintain a shred of dignity or self-respect.Last night, Adam and Kris were in black, probably mourning the fact that they had to sing that craptastic coronation song. Tonight, they've been converted into angels, all dressed in white.
Just under 100 million votes came in last night. No mention that this was the lowest-rated final performance show in Idol's history. Seriously.
Ryan takes way too long to introduce the judges. Randy is wearing a bow tie as big as his head. Finally, Kris and Adam are introduced. Kris' microphone isn't working. Neither is Adam's. Joy. Dear God, Mikalah Gordon is hosting the crowds in Conway, Arkansas. Little girls don't want to speak to her. Carly Smithson is at a symphony hall in San Diego with Adam's fans. And there, it's all about her.
The Top 13 sing Pink's "So What." Na na na na na na na na na. So what, they're a rock star! Oh, jeesh. They're lip syncing, I swear. Allison's voice keeps going when her mouth shuts. But the line "You're a tool" is so appropriate, and the performance is complete with cheesy "dance" moves. Fortunately, I'm too blinded by all the white clothing to notice much more detail than this. Kara looks like she swallowed a lemon afterwards. I guess she's reflecting on the fact that her universally panned song is going to be performed later and be such a frickin' anticlimax.
After the ad, David Cook sings "Permanent." It's about his brother who recently died of brain cancer, and I almost have to reach for the tissues. Almost, but the screaming girls who are waving their fingers at him out of time keep me grounded. The performance will be posted on iTunes after the show, and the proceeds will go to a group that's looking for a cure for cancer. Aww.
Lame "awards" program follows, where we get to make fun of all the bad auditionees. How funny. NOT. Get on with the show. Oh, wait, we get to see Nick Mitchell - AKA Normund Gentle - again. He wins the "Outstanding Male" award. He pretends he didn't know about this, then he strips off his outer clothes and channels his inner diva as he starts singing and stalking all over the stage. Oh, God, he's writhing on the floor. "You're gonna love me!" We do, Normund, we do. Best performance of the season, hands down. Okay, at least the most fun to watch.
First duet, "Cue the Rain" with Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah. Funky dancers tumble around them. Lil looks a lot better with those extensions, and Queen Latifah graciously lets the former contestant outsing her. Why couldn't Lil have been this energetic on the show? Ah, what might have been...
After the break, Anoop and Alexis sing "I'm Yours" with Jason Mraz. They're behind the time. And, you know, I really am not a Mraz fan. Then the rest of the Idols (not Kris and Adam, thank goodness) join them and everyone proves they can't keep up with a reggae beat. This is mercifully short.
We see Kris Allen's farewell video. Then he sings "Kiss a Girl" with Keith Urban. I think this must be an ode to Adam, since they were roommates for so long. It's probably the most energetic he's been all season, and I'm actually enjoying this performance, which is remarkable since I'm not a country music fan at all. Simon, of course, looks bored. Where's Nicole Kidman?
The Idol girls sing a bit of "Glamorous." Fergie comes out and sings "Big Girls Don't Cry." Then the Black Eyed Peas sing with some scary black and white mummy people jumping up and down. Ummm...wait a second...I think Idol just censored part of that performance. Bwa ha ha!! No fines tonight, I guess. Randy plays a bobblehead at the judges' table. Snort.
Back to stupid Idol awards. "Best Attitude" goes to Bikini Girl, who comes out on stage in a bikini (of course), making Simon go "Wow!" Then she has to go on stage and sing "Vision of Love." Kara comes out behind her and starts singing. Bikini Girl is pissed. Kara strips down to her own, less well-endowed bikini. I'm not kidding. Yes, Idol has reached new lows tonight, but they want to assure us it's for one of Kara's favorite charities. I guess that would be The School for Tone Deaf Songwriters.
Allison and Cyndi Lauper sing "Time After Time." This is way cool. WAY cool. Allison left the competition too soon. Jeesh. I hope this goes onto iTunes. Just...I have nothing else to say.
Danny Gokey sings "Hello," and I have nothing to say here, either, for different reasons. Then Lionel Richie joins him for some reggae-ish song I don't recognize. Whatever. Danny keeps messing up his cues. The best thing about this is Lionel's long black jacket. "I just want us to go," they sing. So do we. But wait, we have to be subjected to "All Night Long," which I got thoroughly sick of when it first came out. The only person who looks like she's really enjoying this is Paula, but she enjoys everything. Kara looks bored through the whole performance, even when she's on her feet applauding. We just want you to go, Kara.
We see Adam's farewell video next. Then he sings "Beth" and he's in this wild Bowie-ish space outfit with mile-high platform boots. On the judges table. Oh, God, I'm laughing hysterically. Then KISS comes down out of the sky, in full attire, with pyrotechnics all over the place, and Adam's costume looks tame by comparison. Oh, man, oh, man. I can't breathe, I'm laughing so hard. Glam Boy is here! In full Glam attire! You know he's been wanting to do this all season long, and while KISS wouldn't have been my first choice for him tonight, it was totally worth it to see Adam nearly grab his crotch. I love this guy. So fearless. I. Wanna Rock-n-Roll All Night! ROFL!
And we still have over half an hour to go.
After the ad, the smoke is still trying to clear out of the theater. Santana plays "Black Magic Woman," while I kind of just mellow out. Oh, Matt starts to sing. Then all the Idols come on stage to sing "Smooth." Adam has managed to change clothes really quickly! Oh, Heather Locklear is be-bopping in the audience. Let's watch her for a bit, huh?
David Cook presents Adam and Kris with keys to their new Ford Fusion hybrids, and they give the obligatory, "Thanks, Ford!" Ppphtt.
Megan Joy Corkrey and Michael Sarver sing with Steve Martin's band. Yes, that Steve Martin. He's playing banjo. This is weird, but kind of...cute. Megan sounds better than she ever did on the show.
The Idol guys start singing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy," which is all sorts of embarrassing. No, I do not think any of you are sexy, except maybe Adam, and he doesn't have to ask. Then Rod Stewart comes out in a plaid jacket, totters up the stage, and rasps out "Maggie May." This has nothing to do with anything. Oh, right, a couple of seasons ago he was one of the mentors. And he's going on tour this summer. Okay. What is he, 80 or something? Jeesh.
Last Idol "award" for Outstanding Female goes to giggly Tatiana del Toro. She grabs the award and keeps singing and talking and walking away from security. Oh, you know this was rehearsed, but I want to lock her up anyway. Get off my screen.
Kris and Adam sing "We Are the Champions," on which Adam sounds so much better, because, you know, he's been compared to Freddie Mercury all season...and then Queen joins them on stage. Oh. My. Gosh! Queen!!! SQUEEEE!!! All kinds of AWESOME!!! You go, boys!!! Wooooooooheeeeeeee!!!
And now, finally, the results...
Kris Allen wins. He's totally shocked - he thinks Adam should have won. And I, die-hard Adam fan that I am, say...Yay!!! Adam never sings that crappy coronation song again!!! But Kris does. Oh, dear. My sympathies. And now we have to hear it one more time. Blech. But he's happy, Adam's happy, everyone but Simon is happy. And at the end of the day, that's not a bad thing.
Good night, Kris, and good luck!
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