In Memphis, the streets are empty. Everyone has fled because American Idol has come to town. Oh...no...that's not right. Ryan points out that they're all at the auditions. Oh, ha, ha, ha. Ryan, you're such a tease!The first group of rejects include Mr. "Frank-n-Beans," the over-the-top cheerleader whose band Simon has to tell to shut up; a spaced-out girl who thinks her nasal voice makes her sound like Ashanti; a weird cross between Stevie Wonder and last year's Bucky; and a girl who thinks stripping off her jacket to show her polo shirt is sexy. Um, no.
Jason "Sundance" Head - His father is Roy Head, who had a #1 song here until the Beatles' "Yesterday" knocked it off the charts. Sundance has a big, bluesy voice that Simon thinks will get him into the finals. "He just blew Taylor out of the park." Oh, I'm sure the Soul Patrol loved that remark.
Next we have a girl with red hair who sings well, but we already have a Fantasia, thank you very much. Another guy thinks his strange rap and dance routine is "emotional," when it's just pathetic.
Danielle McCulloch - She sings a bluesy version of an Aretha Franklin song. Randy asserts his independence by declaring that she's not that good, but Paula and (shock!) Simon say yes.
Now every male in Memphis is hugging Paula and getting cooties, which segues us to:
Topher McCain, who has a crush on Paula and whose wife he kicked out (or left him, take your pick) because she was having affairs. To celebrate, he sings a horrible rendition of "Footloose." Hey, now your ex-wife can make fun of you! But at least you got to call her a bitch on national TV! Too bad it was bleeped out, but hey, this is a family show. (Pardon me while I guffaw.)
Then we have Janita, a woman whose boobs nearly come out of her dress, yet thinks she's clothed conservatively. Simon's predictable comment: "You are a handful." Then he "accidentally" calls her Janet. Careful, Simon. Your wit is showing.
Sean Michel - He's been told he looks like Osama bin Laden, Jesus, Castro, or just a homeless man, and he decides to sing a Johnny Cash song about God cutting people down. So of course he gets to go on to Hollywood. [*rolls eyes*]
Melinda Doolittle - This professional background singer has, for me, the best voice of the night, with a bit of a Gladys Knight thing going on. But she is Scared. To. Death. Lordy, I hope she doesn't faint before she gets to Hollywood!
A bald Jimmy Walker look-alike thinks he sounds like Elvis. Well, no he doesn't, but maybe if he'd yelled, "Dyn-o-mite!" he would have had more luck in the audition.
Now we have a montage of bad singers attempting Elvis's "Burning Love." I did not just see a guy pull a handkerchief out of his crotch, did I? Yes, I did. He just zipped his pants back up. Help me. Please.
Phil Stacey - His wife just gave birth that morning, while he was presumably waiting in line to go in for his audition. He says he's going to sing "Let's Get It On" because he figures it's the last thing his wife wants to hear from him today. Okay, that was funny. But then he chickens out and sings "My Girl" instead. It's a little shouty for me (he should have done it in a slightly lower key), but it was still okay. As the judges try to decide, he finally launches into "Let's Get It On." Paula and Randy say yes, so he's off to Hollywood. So now we get to see the obligatory home video of the new baby. Awww. Where's my barf bag?
A grand total of 22 move on from Memphis. At least we're moving up, right? Right?
No, wait - probably not. We've got another two-hour show on Wednesday. In New York. With a guest judge. [*sigh*] Can we have another State of the Union address? Please?
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