I'm crying out for the Lord to be my Helper. I have always prayed those prayers--the ones to protect my heart for only Him and the one He has chosen for me--I have prayed for God to take my romantic feelings away if timing and person were not correct. And I have prayed for God to take the feelings of those men who I've felt for. I've prayed that any feelings they may have for me would be taken from them unless those feelings were of God. And so far, it has always been taken--the Lord is faithful. I know that timing is not right yet. It is not time. My life is in the beautiful season of singleness. I know not how long this season will last, but rather than treating it as a cold and unforgiving winter I will revel in the springtime of my relationship with Jesus--the One True Love of my life. It is a beautiful springtime, beautiful for my heart. Even though my heart somehow longs for the next season at times, it revels in the fresh and free beauty of my spring.But now I am again praying for the removal of feelings.
I always wondered how I would react to an actual pursuit--wanted or unwanted. This particular case is the unwanted one. I wanted it at first. There was a physical spark there and a faint dream of romance in the dancing, but I am too firmly grounded in reality and truth to grasp at the wispy unformed idea of love without a foundation underneath it. There are things that I know about me and things that I know about romance that remain a wall between this particular possible romance. And thus, when that faint dream lingered on the edges giving me vague thrills and causing moments of unsurety, I prayed for and worked towards its removal. It is not a healthy dream and not one I will nourish. And that desire was taken from me.
--I cannot ever date someone who doesn't know Jesus--and I mean really know Jesus. The very deepest parts of me--the very dearest--my very heart--are so connected to Jesus Christ that no person who does not know Him could ever understand those deep places, those places which need to be understood and unashamedly loved. I know this fact more than I know anything else about dating. Jesus, my Ishi, Yeshua, my Lord comes first always always always. Criteria one.
--I also understand that the human condition longs for love, deep unashamed and unrelenting. It calls for love without strings attached: perfect love. And this need for perfect love cannot be filled in any other way than by loving and knowing Yeshua. Without His love we remain empty and searching vessels. Like Plumb said, "there's a God-shaped hole in all of us" --and nothing but God can fill that hole. If a man tries to fit me into that hole--to fill it--he will fail, and failing will be lonely still and broken still. Bitter. Broken. Dissapointed. That hole remains. Women cannot ever fill it for men. Men cannot ever fill it for women. We may ease the longing, but cannot quench it. I cannot be someone's answer to the hole which remains inside their heart and life.
Lonlieness and pursuit. A lack of patience. Self-love and just trying to find someone who loves you for you. It's a broken world and a broken version of love which we chase after.
To win my heart your heart must belong to the same Savior who owns my own heart. Only He is allowed to join those two hearts. My heart is not my own--so I cannot give it to you.
And that is why I am crying out for my helper. I am crying out that He would remove any feelings for me, but would draw this man to Himself instead. That the hole there would be filled with its missing peice. That he would be given a new heart--transformed. Christianity is, after all, all about transformation.
I told him that I was only looking to dance. That I didn't date guys I hadn't been friends with for a long period of time--very true, you see that the relationships which last are so often founded on a dear and true friendship--and yet he still flirts. Flirting is insecurity and longing compressed into words and actions. And alcohol later in the evening only made it worse. There was nothing horrible that happened. But i found myself thinking with disgust and discomfort about his physical touch fetish. And I thought how rediculous the bedroom eyes he continued making at me while dancing, and the worried way he apologizes for things which don't really matter, and the anger he held against my friend for something stupid. Do not take this paragraph as a bash on him--its not intended that way at all. I still think he is great. I love dancing with him. I enjoy his company. But, as I said before, he is lonely and looking for the puzzle peice that fits into the empty spot in his heart--that puzzle peice is not, nor can it ever be, me. It is Jesus--soley and wholey and holy--and I will not be an attempt to fill a place that I don't belong. I hurt for his lonliness, and know that it is not I he longs for.
Jesus, draw him to YOU. He needs You, but he doesn't understand that right now. Teach him, Lord. Help him. Only You can fill the broken heart holes. Only You can give him a new heart. Jesus, You know what needs to be done or said. Give me courage and love and let me do what is right, and also let me show him You--Your love, Your face, Your will, Your ability to fill and free him. God let it be all about You. Let me fade and You shine through, with all people at all times.
"I will give you a new heart." -God, Ezek. 36:26
~Zi
![[Powered By MySQL]](/images/mysql-04.gif)
Copyright Notice: All entries are copyright (and the responsibility of) their respective authors.