Hey everyone! I'm back from falling off the face of the earth...and boy did I fall hard! But as one of my friends recently mentioned, I'm "resiliant", I'm bouncing back YET AGAIN, and I'm probably almost 100%. Alot has happened since I last posted which I'll get to in a moment, but first let me explain why I've been gone for so long (especially when I've needed soooooo badly to write in here). Well the crappy apartment building I moved into has sixteen apartments and ONE cable line..... split SIXTEEN times! So there wasn't enough uumph to get internet (I finally had cable though! no more PAX for me!) And I refused to deal with the phone company ever again. So I went without internet. I did all necessary stuff on the computer at work, and I could have stayed late to write in here, but I didn't feel comfortable writing in here at work, plus... after your done with work, damn it you wanna go home... no matter how much you love your career. Well finally just last week they finally fixed the cable lines.... BUT nothing is ever easy for me, cause that's the story of my life! My joyousness was quickly stomped on when I realized that my modem didn't work either. So I had to spend a tourtortous night without internet until I could go the the cable company after work the next day. Then comes the point where I have to install the stupid comcast CD. I got an error message. So I had to call the company to get it fixed..... finally I had internet.... oh joyous day!So, on to what has been going on in my life for the past 6 months or so. Well, the biggest change (and the hardest thing in my life I've ever had to deal with) was that... that "super awesome boyfriend" I mentioned in my last post is no longer my boyfriend. After five months of being together and the last month of which I professed my love to him (which he responded in like) he couldn't take lying to me anymore so he broke up with me cause he NEVER actually grew ANY feelings for me. I actually knew that he didn't love me cause he never once told me so first, always after I told him....and also the way he said it, he would say it as if he was saying "cootchie coo" to a baby! What the HELL is that about! But I thought that he had atleast felt something for me. I really don't understand why he said he did in the first place, why did he feel he had to lie. Did he think that I wouldn't be able to deal with it. If he would have told me the truth we could have been able to discuss it and try and fix things... and I wouldn't have continuously told him that I loved him everyday, I would have waited for him. But in a way I'm to blame as well... I hate confrontation and conflict, I avoid it at all costs, so much so that even though I know the truth, I know that everything isn't peachy keen, I brainwash myself into believing that it is. Add on to that my relationship/abandonment issues and well there ya go, we where both to blame for why our relationship crahed and burned. We never talked about what was going on with us, well I asked him once if everything was ok and he stumbled out an answer that it was, so I left it at that...I really have to work on that. I truely had fallin in love with him, despite the distance that was being created in our relationship with the silence and the lies. He is the first person that I could actually see a future with. When he broke up with me he said he tried, but I honestly don't think he did, he didn't try at all and then when it didn't work out he gave up, walked away and shut the door on me (metaphorically speaking of course). He was too busy with (and more interested in) his hobbies and work, then in trying to grow a relationship with me and get to know me. And don't even get me started on his "friend" who I think has him completely brainwashed! I have so much more that I could say about this but I'm gonna stop here cause I'm starting to get really worked up about it and since it is already gloomy and dark outside I don't want to make things worse. So I'll just end this topic with ... I am for the most part over him now, I don't want him anymore, not even as a friend, and know that it would never work out between us... that being said I'm still having setbacks (not the word I wanna use there, but I'm having a brainfart on the word I wanna use... similar to falling off the wagon) and he will always have a place in my heart due to a few things that occurred while we were going out.
So yeah October my whole life had fallen apart, not just my love life. The next thing to go was my back. My work was offering free back massages, they had gotten some local professionals to come in and give free massages. So I said hell ya, God knows I needed one. So I got a deep tissue theraputic massage, the lady had said that I was extremely tense and tight..... NO SHIT! So she did her magic and released almost a whole life's worth of tension that had been building up in my back, including the tension of the past few weeks. She said that I would be a little sore for a few days, which I was. Then the pain came. SO much freakin pain! It hurt to lay down and I couldn't sleep for over a month. Turns out that when I fell last year it didn't really heal itself properly (and I hadn't gone to a chiropractor then cause I had no health insurance). My muscles just tightened and hid the injury. Well I went to a chiropractor...if he can really call himself that...man he was a joke. He had no idea what was wrong with my back. I had went to him out of convienience...his office was in my apartment building, big mistake. I swear he would just do "adjustments" to satisfy me, he was freakin clueless. But dispite him, my back is feeling better. I'd say it's at about 85-95%, but the only problem is that I need it to be at 100% for my job, for diving, especially if I wanna go on the next collecting trip in Maine. Right now I'm just trying to be patient to see if time will make it better, as I hear that back injuries take a long time to heal... and well I'm impatient. But if it doesn't feel better then I'm gonna go to a different chiropractor.
So the next crappy thing to deal with was my car. I forgot exactly what part I needed to get fixed, but it was causing my car to stall out... while I was driving! Yeah... having your car stall out on the highway is not fun. So I went to finally get it fixed and well they ordered the wrong part... four times! Finally they realized that the part that was in there was a different year then the year of my car and they finally got the right part. Took a few months though.
All of that crap added to the fact that I HATE my apartment and things were going a bit crappy at work for awhile and I had no internet... made it the worst fall months ever! Why do I hate my apartment you ask... wellllll the building itself if pretty crappy, and the people in here (although they are nice) are questionable. The apartment...to start off with, is another studio... I need a freakin real apartment! The floor isn't level, the ceiling isn't either, it has freakin waves in it AND I see grooves in the spackle where they put up plywood...I can even see the screws! There's alot of corners in my apartment and none of them are at 90 degrees, the windows aren't level either... the whole apartment is just bad fung shway (spelled phonetically..lol) My ceiling leaks horribly in the bathroom whenever it rains. and my sink is barely big enough to put a single dish in it. So yeah, that's why I hate my apartment.
So as part of the healing process (emotionally, mentally, and physically) I've taken up two new hobbies. Knitting and Yoga. Yup I learned how to knit. It's really easy and fun and it is actually calming, kinda meditative and a really good way to pass the time in the winter. Right now I only know how to make scarves, I wanna learn how to make hats and booties too. So if anyone wants a scarf let me know and I'll be more then happy to make you one! There's only so many scarves I can make for myself :) And as I mentioned I also started doing yoga, which has been really awesome so far, I've only been doing it for a little over a month now but I've already noticed a difference. The class is being offered at the aquarium and it is a really great deal too. The class lasts pretty much an hour and a half and it is only $12. That's freakin cheap. And the teacher is really good too. I don't know yet how I feel about her personally, but she is really good at teaching yoga.
So overall, this winter is turning out pretty ok. This year was the first year I was able to go to my company Christmas party. Turns out I picked a good year to go. The past few years the party had been crappy. But this year they went back to how they used to be. They had a prime rib and pasta buffet (the food was all really yummy) and they had live music, Sugar Daddy played...they are a local band that are pretty good and alot of people at the aquarium are friends with them so everyone was lovin it. I had a blast at the party! I ended up flirting horribly (not as in badly) all night with a guy that I'm interested in. He is a volunteer diver. He seems like a really great guy, but don't quite know what to make of the situation now. At the party he seemed definitely into me, but now I don't know, but also everytime I see him I become a studdering idiot, and I only get to see him for a few minutes once a week. Damn I wish it was easier for me to talk to people. I hope that my opportunity with him hasn't passed.
So I was checking out my horoscope for 2007 and even though the year is barely a few weeks old so far it is pretty acurate...for me the changes I've been feeling started a few months ago...anyways here is what I found:
"You know what you like and tend to like what you know, Taurus, but the big rewards this year come from tasting unfamiliar flavors and discovering their strange delights. It's Jupiter, the planet of expansion and opportunity, which places the goodies outside your usual comfort zone and encourages Taurus to stretch your boundaries to reach them. Sure, you can play it safe and stick to the people, activities, pleasures and places that have always rung your bell. But the old, familiar tunes are likely to be less exciting than in the past. "Been there, done that" isn't generally a turn-off to Taurus, yet it almost certainly will be in 2007, when variety will add more spice to your life.
Lucky Jupiter in Sagittarius reminds Taurus to shoot your arrows at faraway targets, reaching further to find the happiness you seek. Take risks not only in what you do but in what you say as well. Taurus can be lucky in relationships even if you are swimming in uncharted waters, so maybe it's safe to talk to strangers this year. Instead of kicking the ground with your head down and that "ah shucks" attitude that makes you so likable, don't be afraid to sell your wares with passion. Muted messages are not likely to be heard, and even when they are, they probably won't get the responses that you want. An outgoing, adventurous attitude this year will attract more of what you want in your life.
Like last year, serious Saturn in Leo is challenging your earthy Taurus Sun to stop grazing and start growling. This planet of necessity demands a better show than usual, even if Taurus must practice in front of a mirror to get a look of confidence that you don't quite feel inside. It's not dishonest to want to upgrade your image in the world. Leo, like Sagittarius, is fire, the element of creation. Instead of simply building on your current foundation, let your imagination paint a picture of a brighter future. Once you've found an inspiration, take the practical steps required to make it real. When you have the fever, Taurus can find the force to push forward. Your juices flow, your energy rises, and you might be able to advance yourself faster and further than ever before. Bold moves can shake your world and upset some people, especially those closest to you, but standing still is far from the best option now.
Expansive Jupiter and practical Saturn form harmonious trines with each other on March 16 and May 5, making these exceptionally constructive periods for committing to a long-term plan. The balance between optimism and reality is excellent, giving Taurus good judgment and a strategic vision to light your way. Another key time is the Venus retrograde cycle from July 27 to Sept. 8. This is generally when relationships take a U-turn, as you double back to deal with unfinished personal business. With resourceful Venus as your ruling planet, it's an especially powerful time to review your finances, reclaim your self-worth and recharge your batteries."
And my love horoscope....just for ha ha's :
"Love and responsibility go hand in hand for most of this year, with serious Saturn in the heart-centered sign of Leo until early September. Even the most solid relationships are likely to require more attention than usual to maintain the flame of romance. Work on being generous and show a willingness to give more to a partner than you ever have before. If your needs are not being met in return, speak up. Be clear about your expectations, rather than giving silently and hoping that somehow your needs will be magically met.
Venus, the planet of love, will be moving backward (retrograde) from July 27 until Sept. 8. This is a period of backtracking to review past relationship issues and learn from previous successes and failures. Revisiting memories of less-than-satisfying liaisons could be discouraging, but the goal is to recognize where improvements and changes can be made to avoid disappointment in the future. Venus will move forward past Saturn on July 1, pass it again in reverse on Aug. 13, and finally conjunct it one more time on Oct. 13. These are especially important times (give or take a day or two), when a big dose of reality shows us where we stand with love. It's common to be acutely aware of what we're lacking on the first pass, reconsider relationship issues with the second, and make a commitment on the third. Single people can see what steps need to be taken to improve their odds of finding a romantic connection, while those in partnerships will get clarity about how to maintain what they have, see where changes are necessary, or seriously start thinking about moving on."
Along with these changes that need to happen/ have been happening already, I've realized that I desparately need a new wardrobe. Not because I'm materialistic or shallow, and not for anyone else either except myself. I was doing my laundry the other day at the laundry mat and was disgusted with the clothes I was folding. My whole life I never cared about what I wore but now I'm starting to, not that I want to look sexier or anything, but I would like to have nicer clothes now. Now that I'm actually going out places and I'm in public more often. Before my life was pretty much work work work so I didn't care, but now I do. I'm standing there folding clothes and they are mostly extremely oversized t shirts and alot of them have stains, sunlight bleach stains or paint stains from my days of working in the theater department at school. And I have alot of blues and greens, those are my fav colors, but I need to color it up a bit, esp. when my blue hoodie gets mistaken for my work uniform hoodie...yeah I have no jackets. And I'm getting ready for my vaca coming up (which I'll mention in a bit) and I realize I have no real nice dress up clothes, let alone formal/resort wear. It's pathetic. So since I don't have the money for a complete wardrobe change and it would take several years for me to save up enough money...... I've come to the conclusion...either someone HAS to nominate me for TLC's What Not to Wear, or some rich annomonous donor needs to give me a $5000 dollar gift card. :)
So on to my vaca! Which I'm finally starting to get excited about. I have two weeks worth of vaca that I hadn't used yet, and I was forced to take it by the end of the year (can roll over till the end of Feb.) At the time I had to claim my vaca, I was still in the middle of deep depression and didn't want to spend two whole weeks alone in my crappy apartment (esp. I was originally hoping that I would be able to go on a vaca with nate). So I decided to go on a cruise and to take my mommy with me :) She desparately needs one as well, and we get along great. This is the first time I've ever been on a cruise and the first time that I've ever planned a vaca, so until recently I wasn't actually that excited about going. But I have since talked with some friends about cruises and what to do and some of my apprehensions have been alieved, and now I'm excited about going. We are going on a seven day carribean cruise, with three "fun days at sea" mixed in between going to costa maya, grand caymen, and jamaica! I can't wait.
Well I think I'm rambled on long enough, I think I got everything I wanted to say. So with that I will say one last thing....I finally just added a whole mess of new pics onto my online photo album.The new pics are under the albums titled Bluff Point, Wedding, Random, Mystic Aquarium, and New Years. All the new pics are labelled Wedding... cause that's the name of the folder they were in on my computer. I bought a new camera, a digital one! and had alot of fun playing with the different functions especially the macro lens function so Check em out!
Till next time!
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