Looking back I can truly say that much has changed. One thing I regret not blogging about is the relationship that I had with my ex-best friend. I never spoke of her out of respect for her . Even though I had little respect for her in the end(I will not go into details as to why-that would be super rude). Anyhow, She asked me not to mention her on websites, or to post photos of her, and I respected her. Now, however... it's all gone. Our relationship is over, and I think it's been sufficiently long enough to warrant some much needed venting. Not that I really am suffering any. But, there is something that happens to our Psyche because of the relationships that we nurture in our lives. Everyone in our lives does have an effect on us. Whether we realize it or not.I met Mimi when I was in high school... I was I believe 14 years old. It was my Sophmore year. We immediately became best friends. My sweetness combined with her shyness mixed quite well and we bonded. I looked nothing like she did. She dressed in jeans and t-shirts. She had short brown hair, and never wore makeup. She had piercing blue eyes. She was very white and very clean looking. Conservative obviously from a middle income family. I on the other hand had a funky haircut. It was spiked up all over the place. I wore a lot of makeup and had pimpled skin. I wore all black and looked a mismatch of colors, when I did combine them. Red and Black or Yellow and Black. Sometimes many layers of clothing and jewelry. It was the 80's... and needless to say we clashed in a fashion sense. My family wasn't conservative. My parents were bikers. We were raised differently. I was adored and had an ideal childhood, and I believe hers was more painful. Her family mistreated her. I saw in her, a person reaching out for love. Needing someone to pick her up and compliment her. She had very low self esteem. I had a lot of positive energy, even though I was quite shy, and hiding under an extreme facade. We were immediate best friends. The needs we both had to be accepted were great. She brought to my life laughter that I had never experienced before. She was very fun to be around. That is when she was being "nice". There were times when out of jealousy she would say such spiteful things to my other friends. Always letting others know that she "owned" me. That I was "her best friend". I always knew she loved me and never wanted to share me. She always kept everyone else around me at a distance from me as best as she could. She would overpopulate every minute of my life after we were both married, and out of high school. Friendships with other people? Are you kidding, I had no time.. Mimi and I would go shopping together for dinner supplies, and we'd cook together and hang out til late at night daily. Her and her husband were my best friends. My ex husband had to share me with them. I spent more time with them than I did with him. Fine by him. He was often out spending time doing other things anyways.
Life went well in my 20's with her. Our relationship was well solidified by now. We'd had years of good memories through high school and in our summers going to the beach together and getting red as lobsters in an attempt to be "tan". There were no holidays without her. There were no weeks without her. Hardly a day would pass without out at least 3 phone calls from her. This is how it was. For years. Yes, we fought and we had our moments and fits. Often it was out of jealousy for wanting to spend time together... it was silly really and her husband Matthew was always the referee.
Time seemed to pass.... as the years went we moved to different states... and things changed. Her life became settled... she began to have kids.. finally after mine were already half way done growing up. She moved back to Michigan and happily raised her family, lonely for me. I moved to Washington state and went to college and graduated at the top of my class, and I think that might have brought the jealousy up a level. I moved again to Pennsylvania, and saw a bit more of the world... then again I moved to North Carolina, and eventually back "home" to our hometown of Oxnard, California.
I never remarried after my divorce, but have been twice engaged. Have traveled to London, England and Wales. Have been to Canada and have appeared on TV numerous times. Have been on the radio and in magazines, have even had a documentary filmed about my life with my fiance. Because successful in an online virtual world where her and I "played" so we could spend time together. Got engaged to a man in Wales, who I have been with since 2005.
She didn't like it, I was doing things without her. She was stuck home in Michigan with a child with a disability. She was drinking too much and becoming an alcoholic, and she was jealous of me. I know this is true... jealousy was always there... she always had to be included. She always had to be the "better best friend" she always had to be the "center" of my world. And, for once in my life, I was putting myself the center of my world. I was doing things... without her permission.
I was growing up and away from jealousy. I was being honest with my thoughts and feelings with her behavior towards me. Her constant emotional abuse. I was standing up for myself, and getting angry at her for putting me through hell and then turning the tables and twisting the truth to blame everything on me.
It became toxic.
I think she started to lose it.
I mean really lose it.
Soon I was getting nasty emails from her, moments of her going off on me for nothing. Things I had not done....
One time I logged into Yahoo Messenger to find a barrage of messages that began like this (this is not accurate but only meant to reflect what it was like with her- as I never saved the emails... I don't believe.. I'll have to go see....):
Mimi: Hello are you here?
Mimi: I miss you....
Mimi: Hello? Are you online????
Mimi: Well I guess you don't give a shit.
Mimi: Well I guess you're not here, or you are ignoring me...
Mimi: Well You're a bitch, and I hate you! Don't contact me again!
Mimi: You deserve everything you get!!!!!!!
This is what I went through the last 4 years with her.... it was horrific.
I didn't know what was going on half of the time. I tried everything to help her to realize I cared and loved her and I even appologized all the time for having such a busy life and to let her know that she was my ONLY best friend.
It didn't help matters.
When she was upset with me (who knows why) she would try to get all of my friends to see my "bad side" or to get people to not trust me. Soon I had people telling me "That girl is only pretending to be your best friend, she told me this and that about you, that's no friend" most of the stuff she said was not even true. It was fabricated and twisted realities of what she thought was true. The truth as she interpreted it, of course this was the truth that was about her not being the center of my world, and of course... it was what I was doing to hurt her... never what she had done to hurt me. It all stemmed out one day when I called her a slut. That very day when I said that to her, and meant it, was the day that my shiny pretty package of what a best friend should be shattered. I then became a monster hiding in a pretty package. I was NOT to be trusted. But, she still wanted me all to herself, and to abuse me every chance she got with her insecurities.
Finally.... I read a book called "Emotional Blackmail" By Susan Forward. After that I realized....
I did not need this shit.
It's been almost 2 years since I decided to quit "Trying" the last year of my trying wasn't received well anyways. She had wanted to be the one to push me away. This was she wasn't dumped... she was the one dumping me. Fair enough. But I can say I truly did miss her. There will always be that something in my heart that is missing, because she's not part of my life anymore. I wish honestly that she wasn't jealous of me.
I know she is though because she is the one that told me she was. I could never prove to her that I honestly loved her. That I treasured her friendship.
No matter how many times I agreed with her when she reminded me of how much more better than me she was.... "I'm such a better housecleaner" she'd insinuate it and say it. Or, "I'm such a better person at dressing, you're so mix and match..." She'd say it and remind me... or "I'm such a better mom, and your kids would be better off with me..." she'd say it in a joking way always stabbing me in the heart with her "I'm so wonderful" personality and "You'll never be as good as me" way of reminding me constantly that she was so great...
Yes, I miss that too... I miss it because it was who she was, no matter what... and I wanted her always to be happy and if that's what she needed to believe, true or not to help her self esteem then so be it. I was happy just to have the pleasure of being her friend.
But, Susan Forward snapped me out of it. This was a few years back.
This past fall I had the pleasure of sitting next to, talking to and getting the autograph of Susan Forward. Susan told me she felt connected to me and wanted to have tea. We sent emails back and forth. I told her how much her book changed my life. I heard her speak at a lecture series at the college I work at and attend.
Her eyes are like angels, full of magic. I believe really she is one.
For what it's worth, I am lucky that an angel came into my life... to help me escape a personal torture that I endured... and no matter how much I miss Mimi... she never gave as much love as Susan Forward did, in the pages of her book.
Mimi Hollenbaugh is my past.
I have a wonderful beautiful future ahead, and I have more than 1 best friend now. I have DOZENS!!!! And, I am truly blessed.
Now, that is my 1 day vent.... my thoughts on this year past and my break with that part of my life.
Why did I write this really?
Because I realized something... the only thing I really missed was the fantasy of having a best friend.... I now really do have real best friends... nothing compares to them.
My current best of the best BEST friends:
My best female and male friend:
Rachel Torres and Anthony "TONY" Williams.
My many other best friends: Dominica, Lauren, Juan, Randall (will always be family to me), Colleen, Denise, Victory (my new buddy)... (these are my go out and party with buddies)
After them I have many many friends who I adore and love who I also consider very dear to my heart but who I will leave out as that list is way too long and I would never want anyone to think they fell down lower on my list. Everyone is precious to me!!!! Everyone in my life! ;)
These friends encourage me, motivate me, they let me shine, they tell me how wonderful and great I am (even when I shy away and deny it) they tell me I'm a superstar, wonderful and amazing. I no longer have a best friend to keep me down... or remind me of how insignificant I am. I have friends who see my shining soul and love it. :)
I graduate this May with three associates degrees from a college here in California. I am then going on to a University, I am a member of Phi Theta Kappa (International Honor Society) and on the Dean's List at school. Last semester I had a perfect 4.0 grade average. This will not be the end of my education. I plan to keep going, I plan to not give up. At age 40, I finally have friends that are lifting me up to the heavens so I can reach for the stars! These are true best friends. These are my family, these are my soul mates who I have been waiting my whole life to meet.
I suppose I can be sorry that I spent so many years insecure myself... always seeking love and attention and acceptance in my own ways via trying to make Mimi happy. I think I was drained of every spark.
I hope she realizes that.
I just hope she doesn't do the same to her beautiful husband Matt. He's just as sparkly as me, and he loves her as much as I did, maybe more.
I was all of my best friends, for her... but she never appreciated me. No matter how much I lifted her up and motivated and encouraged her, she never saw it. She was blinded by her narcissistic ways.
Que-Sera-Sera
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