Last night I should have been going to prom, but I kind of presumed that I wouldn’t be able to go because I haven’t been in for just under 2 years. But everyone was asking me whether or not I was going to prom, and I said no . But then yesterday afternoon I said to my mum about it, and she asked me when it was, so I said ‘tonight..’ and then she said that I couldn’t go because I didn’t have a prom dress so I didn’t get to go..
So I’m in my last year of school, and tomorrow night is my old schools prom, next Thursday the school that I should be at is having their prom.. But because I’ve screwed everything up and I haven’t been to school since September 13th 2010.. I can’t go.. And I just feel really pissed off about it to be honest.. I don’t really know, but I never thought that I wouldn’t be going to prom. If I’d never have told my mum about my depression then I would still be in school.. And I’d be going to prom.. I hate this.
So I haven’t published anything public on here for a while, I make pretty much all of my posts private, I don’t know why, I guess I’m embarrassed of some of the things that I say. I haven’t publicly posted anything since November last year, and even more has changed since then.
I’m now 16, and if anyone reads this, your probably thinking I’m gonna write about a party or something. But My 16th birthday is something that I will never forget, and it’s not for a good reason. (If you don’t wanna read all this skip to the bold writing).
February 11th: I went to the doctors, because I had a pain in my hip, and it was so painful that I couldn’t even walk, my mum and this other person had to help me get inside the doctors because I could barely move, and a wheel chair couldn’t be brought outside, because it was snowing. The doctor said it sound liked I could have an infection in my hip, but it was extremely rare, she gave me some codeine and paracetamol and said if the pain didn’t go away by the afternoon go straight to the emergency room. And the pain went away so we didn’t go.
March 9th: The pain came back, but even worse than before. And I couldn’t sleep all night. March 10th: We went to one of the largest dog shows in the uk, I was in excruciating pain, but I forced myself to go through the day, even though I was on crutches, I couldn’t handle any wait at all on my left leg.
March 11th: I felt even worse. This day, was my 16th birthday. My mum told my stepdad to go out, because she wanted to talk to me. She had this huge conversation with me, about that when she was little she would hurt herself, to get attention, and that she’d punched herself in the face, and that she convinced herself that she was ill. She thought that I was pretending to be in all of this pain to get attention. But I’m not the kind of person to do that. If I was feeling left out, I would say something. We’d planned to go out for a meal that day, and every year my birthdays are pretty crappy, so I said you know what, fuck it, I’m gonna go out for a meal for my birthday (no matter how much pain I was in) my mum wanted to take me to hospital, but I said no. It wasn’t worth going out for a meal anyway, as my family that we had invited to my meal, had completely ignored me, and sat right at the other end of the table. And I didn’t really eat my meal because the medication that I was taking stopped me from feeling hungry. The next day we got a taxi to the hospital, and they said that they couldn’t do an x ray or anything on me, because I hadn’t actually hurt myself. They said that it sounded like I could have an infection in my hip (like the doctor had said) So they sent me to another hospital at around lunch time. They didn’t really do much with me at all, they took some blood tests when I got there and they put me on a drip, they left me there for about 8-9 hours, they didn’t offer me a drink, any pain relief, they didn’t even help me get to the bathroom. They just left me, my mum had to help me do everything. Then at 9:30pm they finally decided they were going to do something with me. They said that they were going to do an ultrasound scan on my hip, which would show whether or not I had an infection in there, and if it did, they would have to take some of the infection out, to run tests on it so that they would know what to do next. They did the ultrasound scan, and I had an infection in my hip joint. They said they were going to put local anaesthetic under my skin, and they gave me gas and air (which did nothing) I don’t think I have ever been in so much pain in all my life. It must have taken about 10 minutes. I was literally screaming because I was in so much pain, I was crying, my mum was crying and I blacked out somewhere in the middle of all this, and I know it wasn’t because of the gas and air because I never breathed any of it in. But another 5 hours later, (when they’d still left me) at 3:30am of the next day we got moved to another hospital.
March 12th: We got to the other hospital (the third one we’d been too) and there were like 20 people in the room, I felt so bad for them. They were all trying to be so careful with me, I couldn’t move even the slightest bit because I was in pain. They used a patslide to move me from the bed in the ambulance to the bed in the hospital, my mum was outside speaking to a doctor, and there were a few nurses making sure I was comfortable (as much as I could be). And then the doctor came in with my mum and said that I had to have an emergency operation that day. He said it’s most likely that soon as the operation is done the pain will go. He said that they needed to wash my hip out to get rid of the infection. At 2:30 that afternoon I went in for my operation. But I was so scared, it was my first ever operation, and I was so scared that I wasn’t going to wake up afterwards. My mum actually came into the operating room with me while they were getting things sorted, and there was this nurse standing on the right side of me, and she was taking my blood pressure, and my arm was sore where I kept pushing myself up the bed with it, so I kind of screamed a little bit, and my mum was explaining to the nurse what was going on, and then this guy with a mask came down the left side of me to tell me that he was giving me the anaesthetic. After that I blacked out, and when I woke up I was in this room, I had no idea where I was, but I really needed to pee lol. I was down there for about 4 hours then I went back upstairs with my family.
I spent 11 days in the hospital all together, but it was tough. I suffer with severe depression, and I’m not a very good people person right now and I was getting really frustrated with everything. None of the doctors actually knew about my depression either because they hadn’t read my notes though. After my operation I had a drain left in my hip for 2 days so that if there was any of the infection which hadn’t been washed out would come out. After that I had more x rays, MRI scans and ultrasound scans etc. We found out that what I had was Septic Arthritis, and the doctor told me that if I hadn’t have gone to the hospital when I did, I could’ve died or lost my leg, and I also found out that I have shallow hips. Which we should’ve known when I was born. I had to be on anti-biotics to make sure that the infection didn’t come back so I had to get this thing called a picc line fitted. It was horrible.
March 19th: I found out that I had to get a picc line fitted, because I had to have anti-biotics through a drip for 3 weeks. The nurse did an ultrasound scan on my arm, she put some local anesthetic in my arm so I couldn’t really feel it, I didn’t look but my mum saw everything, they put an incision in my arm and they put the picc line (which was 47cm long). I had to have a chest x ray because they had to check whether or not the picc line was in too far. They checked the x ray, and found out that the picc line was in too far and they told me that they had to pull 7cm back out which was horrible. 2 days later I was discharged and I got to go home. I was on anti biotics through the picc line for three weeks. Except I was on it for about 1-2 weeks instead because I had an allergic reaction to the anti biotics so then I had to have 8 weeks of pill anti biotics.
Then my left knee started hurting like my hip was and I couldn’t walk, and then a couple of days later my knee swelled up like a balloon and it was huge. I started crying and I didn’t know what to do, and then pain in my knee had gone, so I was a little confused, my mum took me to the doctor again, he looked at my knee and quite literally rang up the hospital straight away, because he thought that I had Septic Arthritis again. So I went straight up the hospital, and they did an x ray and a load of blood tests, luckily I was fine and I didn’t have Septic Arthritis again. We went back to the hospital a few days later for an appointment, and by that time I could hardly walk again, because now I had the same pain in my right hip. We found out that I now have something called Inflammatory Arthritis, which is basically when you get fluid in your joints, and it can affect any of your joints, the bad thing is, is I’m gonna be stuck with this for the rest of my life.. I had fluid on my left knee, which went on it’s own, but the fluid in my right hip didn’t go away, so I had to have a steroid injection in my right hip. Then my right wrist swelled up and I think it’s got fluid in it, and now one of my fingers are swollen and I can’t move it. Which sucks but hopefully things will get sorted out soon.
I’m fed up of the way things are. Nothings changed in the past 2 years. I still haven’t been to school. I’m done with school now and I screwed all of it up. I haven’t seen a counsellor or anything for about a year, so I’m kind of just battling with depression on my own. I’m not on any meds for it or anything either. But I haven’t done any of my exams, I didn’t get to have an official last ever day of school, I haven’t had hundreds of college interviews or written cvs to go and get a job. And I’m not going to prom which is in two weeks.. I don’t understand how things got so messed up, everything just fell apart so easily. I mean doing all of that right now is difficult because the Inflammatory Arthritis effects me 24/7, they doctor did say that eventually it will go into remission but who knows when that will be. I’m just so tired of trying to fix things and then getting pushed down again. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to get back up anymore and I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost all my friends.. None of them even know that I’m depressed, none of them know that’s why I’ve been off school all of this time. Only 3/4 know that I was in the hospital and I nearly died.
I doubt that anyone will even read this, but if you did.. thankyou..
I made this account about 3 years ago, I forgot I even had it. But for anyone who did read it, alot of the stuff I wrote was made up. The stuff with my step dad, my ex begging me to take him back, tons of guys asking me out. All of it, I guess I wanted people to believe that I was something that I’m not.
Alot has changed since then, obviously I’m now 15 years old, and I’m not having the best of times.
I am now severely depressed. And it’s horrible. Most things in my life are/have fallen apart. I haven’t been to school since September 13th last year. That’s when I told my mum how I was feeling, I spent months hiding it. A fake smile covered everything up, crying myself to sleep, hating everything about myself, all of it. I’ve been seeing counsellors since. they haven’t helped me at all. they’ve just made me worse. I’m being home schooled now too, none of my friends know what’s wrong with me. I haven’t seen any of them properly since I left. Alot has happened this year every things just messed up.
I doubt anyone will even read this, so, whatever.
i hate my mum!!!!! because there is this thing that i want to do at school and she wont let me do it because if i go she cant do anything herself so i cant go and it is sooooooooooooo unfair is there anyway i can try and persuade to let me go??????????? and also it will give me something to do for part of the holiday someone pleassssssssssssssssssssse tell me a way i can make my mum go oh and the thing that i want to do is a film school thing its basically where you get to make up your own play and then you get to make things for the play and your just really being a director for the day but i reaLLy want to do it but my mum wont let just because she wont be able to do anything does anyone know a way that i can make my mum let me go to this????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
why do i feel depressed? right well my ex best m8 sophie just recently started going out with this boy and she has been rubbing it in me and my 2 friends jade and kim faces and i dont like it because i am feeling a bit down at the moment anyway coz all the boys that i ask out seem to say im ugly and its kind of making me less confident and it doesnt help either as im not very confident anyway and i dont know what to do can someone help me?
dear diary the disco was great i was up dancing al night wiv my m8s and i even won aprize for being the best dancer there and i got into a dance off and won that to i was up against 10 girls and i beet them all. but the best part of it was that my neck was a hell of alot better which was great coz that made me quite happy and i got asked out by like 10 boys but i told them that they were very cute and all but i wanted to stay single forever which probably wont be true in many years time oh well but there is still one prblem my feet are covered in blisters someone help me!!!!!!!!!
i dont know what to do about my ex-boyfreind i thought i was doing the right thing dumping him but i miss my freinds and i thought that i was hiding my feelings of sadness well hiden but even my freinds have started to notice that im not happy since i broke up with him and i dont know what to do i keep trying to move on with someone else but i cant and i dont to do any more and i just wish that i could turn back time so that i didnt dump him and i just wish there was some way that i can make myself happy again but there is no one else out there that i like but if i find someone else then i will end up dumping them aswell and then i will be upset again because bad and i just dont know what to do anymore someone help me please i cant take feeling down any longer how can i get over my break up?
you wont beleive this my ex boyfreind jacob tryed to kiss me earlier and he is such a pillac coz he is going out with a year 9 called kirsty mcdonald and i told him that i dont want to go out with him anymore and i dumped him and i said that i havent got any kind of feelings for him anymore i like someone else but i ent telling ya who so you will av to spend ages tryin to squeeze it out of me anyway wat do you think i should do please tell me wat i should do!!!
im still in pain and the disco is tonight i dont no what to do i keep telling my mum im ok but it really hurts and i think tha she can tell but this is only because me and my cousin jake are very close and if one of us has a injury then the other one feels the pains or sypthoms that the other one is getting.and my mum speaks to my auntie alot and they tell each other if theres something wrong with one of the children so my mum told my aunt about my pulled neck muscles and then my aunt said that my cousin jake has been having pains in his neck aswell.but i have been looking forward to this disco for weeks as im having a sleepover with loads of my bezzies!!!and we were only having a sleepover so that its easier for all of us to get home and my freind sophie was inly aloud to go if we arranged a sleep over because her dad cant pick her up and if i cant go then that would be so unfair and i desperatley want to go as i havent been to a disco for ages and i seriously need to a nice long night of dancing well atleast if i can find some way to persuade my mum to let me go anybody got anyways to help me???????????????????????????????????