the return

been a long time. SO many thoughts going through my head this morning. Been a busy year. Divorced, moved, new boyfriend and kid, new house and married.

The healing is a slow process. I think I am over everything and then it comes back in full force. Right now the anger is gone, it’s just the hurt remaining. I find that I put my fears and insecurities onto Chip, and find I am just waiting for him to leave me. I never thought of myself as someone with low self esteem, but on deeper examination, I think I do. I surround myself with needy people because I need the security of knowing I am needed. I have trouble feeling loved just for who I am. The only exception to this is my Mom- and I thank God for her. I know Chip loves me this way also, however- I have trouble accepting it, and even fully believing it. After all, there must be something he gets out of our relationship that makes him stay with me. Sure I occasionally cook for him- but what is it that he cannot get elsewhere that makes him stay. Why would he take on the responsibility of a wife and a kid and get so little in return?

I really do think I am over them, but then I have a dream. A dream where I see that he doesn’t care about me, or that he walks away. And I know it is just David with his face- but I can’t wash that image away, and it breaks my heart over and over.
I do miss David sometimes. And I really don’t want to. I love Chip and the family I have, I feel I have stumbled into a perfect dream and out of a harsh past. Yet there is still a small part of me that is stuck in that past and I do not know how to get it to move forward. Can I just cut it out of me? How can I when I monthly have to revisit the memories, when I am hit with the realization that my son is part of him, and not part of the man he calls Dad.

How can I gain enough self esteem to realize Chip loves me, and would do anything for me. When can I stop these crazy ideas that pass through my head telling me I am not good enough and that he will soon discover that?
When can I accept that David did not love me, and does not have that ability? When can I accept that it was he wanted the divorce, that he cheated, that I left because I was no longer wanted?

This is too much for my brain to grasp evidently. I would have thought a year would have been enough time to wrap my head around this, but just when I think I have it and have moved on, it comes back to kick me in the heart.

I need to accept God has shown me his immeasurable grace, and that I know have
a husband and 2 sons that fit perfectly into my life at just the right time in my life. I need to accept that my life is not in my own hands, but in Gods- and I need to be thankful for that. I need to accept that I cannot control all situations, and that God wants to give me all of this- and it’s ok to take it and enjoy it- I just need to stop thinking it is going to be sabotaged and really relax and take it in.

thoughts for marriage counceling

I am needing to think of some good questions or points of interest to bring up in marriage counseling.

Being divorced before, I need to be sure not to let the issues I had with David enter our marriage. I need to be sure to have a clean slate and trust that you are who you say you are and appear to be.

Having children of our own poses unique issues we may have not faced before. I have never parented a 13 year old before and am not sure what to expect and what is normal. I feel like with Isaac I have been able to grow into parenting, but with Clay any trial and error parenting isn’t an option. We need to be sure to be on the same page and reinforce each others decisions.

We still have not argued. Since my previous marriage had so much, it makes me wonder when it is coming. Is it normal not to argue? I don’t feel that I am holding any thoughts or feelings back, but I want to make sure we have good communication skills so when we do strongly disagree it won’t be a surprise at how we deal with it. I know we have talked about this before, but it is different when it actually happens.

This relationship has moved faster than any other I have ever been in, and I am constantly checking myself to be sure I am not with you to fill in any gaps or simply just not to be alone.
I wonder sometimes at our progress. We have both been through so much, and now everything seems so incredibly easy. In many ways I feel this is God showing us a clear path for our future, but it is my worst fear that this is too good to be true and that there is something I am missing. I logically think those fears are incorrect- butI still have that thought come through my mind sometimes.

my future

so here I am debating if I should go into details as to why I made the decisions I have, or if I should just say it as it is and leave it at that. Chip proposed and I accepted, and we are engaged.
There are a million reasons I am here right now. I know I will always love you- that’s why I still hate talking to you some days. It’s not easy to let go and move on. I have thought this through over and over again, and I feel this is the right path for myself and Isaac. I feel this is the healthy and right choice- being with you has never been healthy- and from where you are now, still isn’t a good choice. I have found someone who knows how to love selflessly- who will fight for me, would die for me. He is my rock when I need stability, a strong shoulder to lean on when I am tired. He is the provider of stability in a crazy world for myself and Isaac. He has a sense of character that makes him a strong leader that I need. He is my knight in shining armor, on a white horse. The fairytale I didn’t think could come true, yet has.
And now I know, he is my future.

close to sorry as I’ll ever get/Happy Birthday to Me

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[Available (video enabled)] Wolinsky,David Isaac to me

show details 11:06 PM (4 minutes ago)

9:20 PM David: hi
9:21 PM me: hi
I heard you called earlier, but I havne’t looked for my phone yet
David: I see
anyway I looked I can fly in Friday
and leave Sunday
similar time as this week
is that okay for you?
9:22 PM 23 to 25
(september)
me: ah
should be fine
David: well I will buy a ticket
9:23 PM should is like a 99.9%
?
are you busy now/
me: not really
why?
9:24 PM David: oh you seemed occupied
and I don’t really want to be rude
me: ah
no, I’m free
just doing some stuff online
9:25 PM David: ah
so should I buy the ticket?
9:26 PM me: yea
I don’t have anything planned for that weekend yet
David: k
and if all goes well
would you have a problem with me staying the night on Saturday -> Sunday?
9:27 PM if you do have free time, I’d like to try various experiments on Isaac to see … his development
9:28 PM me: like what?
David: well one idea
is for me to have him over night
on Friday
meet you for breakfast or at the zoo
9:29 PM and then Isaac and I spend the rest of the day together w/o you
what I want to avoid is having Isaac w/o you for extended periods of time
me: I see
David: he still looked around at people this time
but I don’t think he was disappointed when he didn’t find you
9:30 PM me: yea
he should be getting better at being without me
9:31 PM like when I left the other day for work
he didn’t even cry, did he?
David: Hmm, honestly
I was so tired
I remember he had a slightly sad mood
but I think we went and played for a few minutes
me: yea
he even knew I was leaving
and gave me a hug and kiss
David
yeah, so if he see’s you once every 24 hours or so
I think he seems good
I would definitely like to get him to the point of being without you for several days
because then we can travel
me
yea
how long until you don’t want to stay at my place any more?
David
that’s tough
even if I don’t want to do it to support Isaac’s emotions
it is very convenient in terms of cooking etc
so I’d like to milk it as long as possible
but I think logistically
by the end of your lease, he should be capable of spending a night with me outside of your home
the hardest thing is that most hotels don’t have a place for him to be separate from me
me
true
David
so I suspect by age 2
he should be able to communicate to some degree
me
right
David
anyway, if he is not ready
then I will just have to pick him up and drop him off
that is by the time that it is uncomfortable for me to stay longer
err over night
me
I see
btw
thanks for the birthday card
though I thought we agreed cards were inappropriate?
David
2 things
1) I purchased it on Thursday
2) I strongly disagree
especially as Isaac becomes older
now it is somewhere in the middle
but when he is able to communicate
he will be able to do so but will need assistance to make it happen
maybe Chip can help Isaac
me
I agree with that
David
but unfortunately no one can help Isaac on my side
since he isn’t here
me
help with what?
David
considering the other parent
me
oh, you mean give me stuff
David
but I strongly disagree with the idea that we are Isaac’s parents separately
me
hm
9:40 PM
me
do you feel like your parents worked together?
David
I think my parents sucked
my father was only in it to feed his conscience
and my mother is antisocial
me
don’t you think it’s somewhat ironic that your marriage ended a lot like theirs did?
David
in the end, I figured out I am more like my parents than I had ever hoped
I’ve absorbed my fathers stupidity and my mothers isolationism
me
I see
David
anyway I’ve considered many times, over and over again, about us
which I guess is what you’re poking at/
correct me if I am wrong
me
eh
I didn’t know I was poking
David
well I suspect from our conversation this weekend
you wanted to ask me things
that you didn’t just out right say
am I wrong?
me
hm
I don’t think I did?
I don’t know?
I have a short memory lately
David
I realized one of our fundamental problems
me
oh?
David
correct me if I am wrong …
though we went back and forth many times
the only one who really ever put their foot down and said they weren’t moving was me
there were many times for both of us to do it
but out of each of the many opportunities life presented
it was me or it was done
me
huh
David
I don’t really fault you
me
I don’t understand what you are talking about
David
it is a personality thing
hmm
me
moving?
David
given that we went through a few incarnations
you never were the one that said … David no matter what, I’m not giving up
me
I said that many times
wow
I’m suprised you don’t remember that
David
I don’t remember it actually happening
me
that’s strange
because I do
David
hmm
well let’s become more focused
and consider only the end
9:51 PM
David
I cannot figure out why you didn’t get pastors or counselors involved
me
??
you refused
David
you said I needed to do some work
me
you were resigned
you didn’t care
I couldn’t make you care
you had moved on
it was obvious
you said you didn’t love me
and never loved me
and then proved it when I found out about Bingyi
David
after 7 years
me
there was nothing left for me to do
David
it seems shocking that it went that way
me
really?
7 years I tried to make you love me
and it was an uphill battle I could never win
David
certainly I loved you in some way or another
me
lol
David
it was evident
I guess I’ve also figured myself a lot more these past months
I’m not really good at involving myself in more than 1 thing
me
I know
you can only have one love in your life at a time
and it was work
David
when someone frustrates me, I push them away
me
I tried to wedge in there, but it always backfired
David
point and matched point …
me
yup
I have always known that about you
and I accepted it
David
Problem is, if you cannot realize your own deficits, you cannot do a damn thing to work on them
me
even when you told the barrows that I was low on your priority list, I was willing to accept it
David
it was a temporary list
and hey, you didn’t like my idea of living on a house boat during retirement
me
it was 7 years long
and wasn’t ending any time soon
David
ha, it has ended now
me
?
you are doing a post doc and work constantly
David
I realized at the end of the tunnel, I was a huge dumbass
me
nothing has ended
David
that I’m overachieving
and it isn’t complementary towards having a family
me
right
you can’t have everything
something has to come first
and if you don’t choose, it will choose for you
David
well least resistance usually wins out
unfortunately, I really do miss my family
and it is really nice to have a yard to go outside and play around in
I feel more home at your home than my own
me
I’m sure it’s just because yours is new to you still
I’m sad that you feel that way
I’m sorry you seemed very sad when we talked
as much as I dislike Bingyi
I hoped you would at least be happy
David
it is like comparing oranges and apples
I’m sure Isaac plays the biggest role in it
me
I know
that’s what kills me
it’s like I don’t matter
David
what do you mean?
you don’t matter to me?
me
that in the whole divorce
the only thing that you regret
or that bothers you
is Isaac not being with you
David
are you serious?
maybe I was too subtle
but I should be extremely careful in what I say
since you are in a very serious relationship
and I certainly don’t need to make our relationship any more awkward than it already is
me
I agree
all I ever wanted to hear is a genuine sorry
but I know those don’t come easy to you
and I’m not sure that you really are sorry for the divorce
David
you know, part of me, thought we would eventually get back together
that we would clear our heads and somehow, magically things would work out
in April, I accepted that this wasn’t the case …
me
I don’t understand how you expected that to happen when you were in love with someone else
I have never ever been so betrayed before
I still have nightmares about it
David
Donna, I had my head so far up my ass, my head was stuck in an infinite loop
every day was a struggle to survive
I had to deal with Isaac, divorce, dissertation, job hunting, and my father’s sickness
I didn’t want to “rock the boat”
me
you were in love with the girl before dissertation, job hunting, and your dad’s sickness
before I left home
when I was still begging for you
David
I was interested
not in love
me
I cannot believe that
that night you stayed out till 2 am
I knew
I didn’t need to read text messages to tell me
I have never been so heart broken
I thought I was going to die
David
yeah, I’m sorry about that
I can’t even imagine
that is one of the worst thing I have ever done
I was in over my head
me
I have just hoped that you would be happy with your decisions
that it would be worth it
that my pain wouldn’t be in vain
David
well deep beneath my mindless surface
is someone who will contemplate his decisions for his entire life
me
just tell me you are happy
because every day I go to work and have to leave Isaac
David
and maybe I’d have pursued you between then and now
me
I hate knowing that’s now how it was supposed to be
David
but I was afraid we’d end up where we started
me
*not
David
and I cannot go through such a horrific break up 3 times …
me
there are so many things that are not how they should be, that are unnatural
that makes me so angry when I know how life was supposed to be, and know how it is now
all the promises, all the plans added up to nothing
David
I’m sorry
but you are happy with Chip
than you ever were with me
me
like you said- it’s apples and oranges
and I firmly believe love is a decision
and I have made that decision to love again
David
you’re absolutely right
I haven’t
me
how can you live with her for the summer and not love her?
how can you tell her you love her and not/
David
I care about her deeply
but I have to protect myself
and my relationship with Isaac
me
you can’t love her and Isaac?
David
I’m afraid she will become a resistance to me having a good relationship with Isaac
and there are other things
I don’t really want her sacrificing herself (career) for a relationship
me
I see
David
Like I said, I got in over my head
and I just kept drowneding
drowning
:)
me
:-/
I’m sorry
I know I can’t give you advice
I can’t really give you anything to help you out
David
I had just wished (perhaps incorrectly) that you had fought harder for me
me
I was on my knees begging for you
literally
I couldn’t fight any more
I was killing myself
David
I guess it wasn’t the right kind of input
me
and at some point
David
for example, when you scared the shit out of me
me
I needed someone to fight for me
David
you usually got what you were looking for
but when you asked me nicely
it rarely worked well
me
that’s sick
David
I exhausted you too easly
*easily
me
I needed someone who could love me without me making them
that shouldn’t be asking too much
I
I feel like I was always fighting for you
and never the other way around
David
see
we needed help
both of us are saying the same thing
me
how did you fight for me?
10:21 PM
David
really?
don’t you remember the marriage proposal?
or the long walk
me
long walk?
David
at night to the top of the garage
me
that was before we were married
David
hmm I tried various things last year
me
I meant fight for me when things were hard
David
things were hard for me last year
I noticed our marriage sucked ass
maybe my big mistake was not saying something sooner
me
I think I was so busy with Isaac I didn’t notice
I was very happy
and you weren’t
David
he was my only source of happiness for a whole year
well that is a bit dramatic
but it is partially true
me
I see
I tried so hard to make you happy
to give you everything you wanted
David
really
you just said you were too busy with Isaac
me
I was too busy to realize you weren’t happy with us
I thought it was just work
David
it was everything
I probably should have quit
me
though I did think for a long time that you were going to cheat
David
or at least accepted a longer duration
me
I just didn’t know what to do about it
you probably remember me asking you
David
I pushed myself too hard
yeah, I do
10:28 PM
me
anyway
I’m not sure what else to say
I’m learning how to move on
and seeing relationships from a new, healthier perspective
David
that’s something
I’m probably not the most healthy person to have a relationship with
me
you could be
David
I lack a lot of confidence
me
but you have this idea drilled into you that you can’t change
and you don’t want help
you just sit there in your sadness and stubborness and have the same cycles repeat over and over
David
hmm
me
that’s my opinion anyway
but like I said
I can’t be the one to give you advice
or help
I want you to be happy
but I’m definitely not going to be the one to get you there
David
I’m sorry Donna for hurting you
me
thank you for saying that
I’m sorry if I hurt you too
David
no one deserved what happened between the two of us
me
I think we were foolish
we should have never started
we brought it on ourselves
David
are we foolish for giving up?
me
yes
but I think I see things differently than you
I believe marriage should not be broken
unless it is abusive in some way, it is forever
for better or worse
I don’t believe in ever giving up
divorce is like a death
except it’s within yourself
David
then why did you move on so quickly?
me
because I needed to believe that there was such a thing as a good guy out there
and I had tried for 7 years to make you love me
I had done everything I could have ever thought of
and doing any more would kill me
you didn’t want it
you made that clear
I had to leave
and for my sake, I had to move on
I knew I had tried everything
there was nothing in the back of my mind telling me I could have done anything more
David
you always were so confident 😉
me
I had exhausted every resource and then some
lol, are you being sarcastic?
I can’t tell on IM
David
no
in some ways you are really stubborn
mostly about yourself and your feelings
introvertedly stubborn
me
ok
I agree
so when I came to the realization that there was nothing more for me to do
it was a switch that went off
I remember that night
it was the first time I actually yelled at you on the phone
lol
David
??
me
after I had moved
and we were going through the divorce
I just remember telling you what I really thought
and it was like it just clicked
David
I see
me
that it was over
completely
David
btw, I was in the middle of my job hunt as early as October
and I was trying to complete my dissertation work at that point in time
and I was working an extra TA position to bring in some extra money
(sorry this is a very late response to an earlier comment by you)
me
I understand
David
I will tell you what, I worked my ass off and in the end, I lost it
you cannot maintain relationships and overachieve
me
I agree
David
you know
I do miss our conversations and how you appreciated my sense of humor
me
I thought you hated our conversations because I always made you feel trapped about something
David
we always seemed to do decently well on our trips together
me
and I thought I was boring or something
LOL
David
hahah, not the serious conversations
me
I hated our trips together
David
you hated Europe?
me
we always fought the whole time
about everything
David
well that’s just disappointing
me
always blaming each other
I loved europe
you were just difficult most of the trip
you don’t remember that in italy?
David
Naples was horrible
me
90% of the time we were pissed at each other
we wanted to go different place
s
David
oh my gosh
me
do things a different way
eat different things
David
you and your 500 churches
me
lol
you and your random wandering
very pregnant and getting huge blisters and nearly dying because you didn’t want to get the subway
David
we would have never seen the sexy prostitutes in Paris otherwise
me
oh yea
that was right outside our hotel you mean?
David
you never said anything about blisters
yes… those ones
me
yea, we really had to walk far to see them! 😛
David
you weren’t that pregnant
me
enough so I couldn’t breathe well
David
given how big he eventually got
me
he was freaking under my lungs at that point
David
how was I supposed to know?
me
lol
because I told you
David
he wouldn’t share that space
yeah, I need a more stubborn approach
me
you don’t like to believe me though
you always want to fight
I am not a fighter
I am a pacifist
David
just another fundamental differnece
me
that was a huge one for me
I always felt unloved because of that
David
likewise
me
lol, but you liked to fight
or was it because I didn’t want to fight that you felt unloved?
David
latter
me
lol
we really were enigmas
I’m not sure how your relationship is with bingyi, but I’m sure it has helped you understand how crazy our relationship was
perspective can do amazing things
David
yeah
me
anway, I’m glad we had this conversation
it’s good to get some closure
though I still didn’t get the answer about the card
I guess we just didn’t come to the agreement I thought we did
David
I disagree
maybe it is silly, if I don’t do it w/ Isaac
and now you have chip
you have an Isaac proxy
me
lol
it makes me feel weird when you do that though
David
well Donna
I do care about you
I have sacrificed more than you will ever now for you
me
you don’t have to any more though
I don’t need you to
that time is over
David
and if you haven’t noticed, I’ve reduced in some ways
I became a real prude about the money
me
of cours
e
that was expected
David
anyway I had always hoped that some way we would work out of differences and fix this mistake
based upon our dialogue tonight
I guess the only thing to fix is our behavior to each other and make sure we focus on our respective relationships to Isaac and protecting his relationship with the other parent
me
I agree
I never talk bad about you to him
I know he loves you
David
he’s a good kid
me
like I said before, I feel like divorce is a death, and it can’t be reversed
to do so would help no one
David
I see
I wish you and Chip a very happy life
me
I’m sorry if that hurts you
that was never my intention of starting a new relationship
David
No
me
I hope you know that
David
I had many thoughts in my mind
and this is one of the outcomes I had hoped for as well
11:02 PM
David
So I am hurt, because I am certainly replaced in your life and in Isaac’s. But I am not blind to the fact that he is a far better match for you, than I ever was. Hell, you’re already talking about buying a home together …. More importantly, it is getting late and I haven’t gotten the sleep I have needed
me
I should make it clear to you that he is not a replacement
I have wondered that in the past
but I have realized that it cannot be a replacement
I have become a different person
being with you was almost like a different time
David
you ever call chip, David?
me
being a replacement is an insult to both of you
lol, no
David
you’re so lucky….
me
lol
I have almost
but it hasn’t come out
lol
his ex’s name was darla
talk about bad for the brain
darla, donna
David
lucky him
me
yea
David
and you
me
I don’t care
David
anyway Donna, have a good night
me
I know what he means
alright
goodnight
David
we can talk some more later
me
I hope you will sleep well
David
me too
me too
me
bye
David
thanks and good night
11:07 PM

this time of month

I hate you. I hate that every month you come back into our lives as if you have a right to. I hate that you think you can do whatever you want and get away with it simply because society says it is alright. I hate that you can put away any conscience, that you never said sorry, or even felt sorry. I hate that I have to see your face, or hear your voice- that I have no choice in the matter. I makes me angrier than I have ever known. It makes me beyond words that you consider yourself my baby’s father. I don’t care if you stayed up some late nights the first few months. I don’t care how much money comes out of your bank account. That does not make you a father. You are no better than a sperm donor- maybe you are worse- I can’t just pretend like you never existed. I would gladly have you never pay one penny for him again if you would just leave us to ourselves. I never want to have to tell Isaac the truth of who you are. I never want to have his heart break when you decide it’s too hard, or when I have to explain to him why you left. I pray to God every day he will be nothing like you. I pray he will have a heart that knows and understands love, that he will learn responsibility, that he will grow up to be a real man. I pray to God he will have as little of you in his life as possible.
I hate that you think you actually did anything nice for me, ever. That you think I actually owe you something. I never could have fathomed such arrogance until I saw the real you. I am continually amazed by it, and by how you love to make me feel guilty to get whatever you want. I am amazed that you have no honest bone in your body, that nearly everything that comes out of your mouth and mind is selfish and manipulative.
Most of all- I hate that you do still have enough of a hold over me for me to care.
I dread this time of month for so many reasons.
It seems to all come together to create a terrible nightmare of you.aa

4 years of decay

It’s been 4 years today. Or would have been. 4 years ago I said I do, and I meant forever. How quickly things fell apart. 6 months ago the struggle ended and I was set free. Deeply wounded, but free none the less. I firmly believe love is a decision. It isn’t just a feeling. When things are hard, I dig in deeper, fight harder for what is right. But it takes two to win- it’s impossible to drag the other along for the ride. I guess that can only last so long. 4 years in our case.
I am still finding holes in my heart that have been filled with bitterness, but they are fewer and fewer as time goes by.
I am still bitter that he thinks he can have any sort of relationship with me.
I am still bitter that he got everything he wanted.
I am still bitter that he chose her over me.
I am starting to feel angry that he is my child’s father and there is nothing I can do about it.

I hate looking at my son and seeing him. I hate seeing him every day. I hate that the best thing in my life is part of one of the worst.

I hate that he enters my mind when I am with my boyfriend and ruins perfect moments. I hate that his memory still affects me. I hate that I still have to talk to him- and that it always turns into a fight. I hate that he feels like he deserves anything. I hate that no matter what I do I will never be enough. I was never smart, pretty, or good enough in our marriage, and it continues in our divorce. I am not generous enough. He wants me to just lay down and let him take every last shred of dignity from me. He wants to have the power in every situation. He will never let me simply have what I deserve.

I have trouble accepting some things with him. Going back to Florida helped. Meeting the home wrecker/ whore helped. It is so hard to leave my son with them. But I know in the end I win. I get to keep my son- my heart and my world are mine to hold 99% of the time.
It is a beautiful thing that he has now left our home. He can fuck up his life in a new place, and no longer defile what was my home.

Most of all I hate that I still doubt myself because of him. Because of the years he told me I wasn’t good enough. I hate that he claims to think I am a good person and that he says he still respects me when in reality he just cares about himself. I hate that he could say he never loved me while at the same time saying he loves her and loved her when we were together. I hate that I feel like any man will do this again to me. I hate that I can’t seem to get back my trust. I look at marriage as something nice, and logically I know it should and can be a permanent thing- but emotionally I feel like it is impossible. I feel like no matter what I am doomed and will get screwed over in the end. I hate that he did that to me.
I hate to blame him for anything because I know in the end my decisions and feelings are my own doing. Yet I feel like I have been programmed to feel and think these things for so long, it’s hard to expect anything else. It’s hard to believe my new boyfriend doesn’t drool over other women. It’s hard to believe he is an authentic Christian. It’s hard to believe he says he really only wants me. It’s hard to believe any word that comes out of a man’s mouth.

So happy 4 year anniversary, baby. Here’s to the all the joy and happiness you brought into my life.

One Day You Will

yup. I have no idea what I’m supposed to feel right now. Music helps.

“One Day You Will”
Lady Antebellum

You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will

David says he thinks she is marriage potential. In some ways that makes me feel better. It makes me feel like there is some stability for Isaac. The honest truth is that I don’t think David knows what commitment is. He ran from our marriage out of inability to support any responsibility, yet here he is so soon pursuing a relationship, I guess he’s just hoping it will go better with someone else. I guess if someone was going to intervene in our marriage, it is better that it will be worth it, not some fling.
What hurts, is that I gave him everything. I thought that is what you are supposed to do in marriage. I thought I was supposed to see my future with him, and do everything in my power to make that happen. It’s like I was running full speed toward forever with him, and I’m having trouble stopping. Even though it is actually killing me.
And now I have an amazing Godly man here in front of me, and I’m petrified to give him what I gave before. I don’t know if I can do it again. Even though I know he is a million times more trustworthy than David ever was. I just can’t seem to let go of knowing that I could be stabbed in the back again. But I thank God daily for him. He is the man I wish I had known from day 1 of my dating experience. He’s better than anything I have ever known. And my heart is stuck in in a rut….I have no idea how to get out of it. Not that I still want to be with David. Because I don’t. But I feel like I literally gave David a piece of my soul, and I don’t know how to go on without it. I don’t know where to move, how to breathe without it. I pretend it isn’t missing, but it haunts my dreams. I try to ignore it, but I wonder why when I do I feel dead inside.
And it’s crazy to think he doesn’t feel the same at all.

closing emails

I don’t know if you got my voicemail or not, but I want to emphasize that I never betrayed your trust. I never told you I stopped talking to Bingyi, just that we weren’t pursuing a relationship and deviated from our overly attached mode, which is the truth. I could go in significantly more details, but I’d rather it not fail on deaf ears. You never poked me again about the state of her and me, so I never felt appropriate flashing it in your face. If you’d like to ask questions, I’ll be very honest with you. I wish you hadn’t closed the door so quickly without at least talking to me first.

I realize it is no longer my business what you do or who you hang out with. I had hoped you would seek counsel before entering another relationship. I had hoped you would find someone who was well suited for you to have a stable relationship with, that you would be able to make wise decisions. However, it is not for me to judge any more or guide you in your decisions. I do not feel that I am quickly closing the door, I feel like it closed in December. I left communication open to you freely, but feel for my sake I can no longer do that. What I do is my business, and what you do is yours. The only thing we need to discuss is Isaac. I wish you the best in your future pursuits and in your relationship.

Yet again….

In light of your recent facebook post, I have decided to send you this email.
Back in December or January, I removed you from facebook and gchat. You requested that you be added again. As a result I have kept in touch with your personal life and believed we had an open and honest relationship. At this point, I feel there are many things I do not need to know about your life however, and vice a versa. You obviously felt you could not be honest with me about your relationship while I was in turn answering any and all questions fully and honestly about mine. I feel that it is best at this time to return to removing you from facebook and gchat. If you wish to contact me, please email or call. You should only need to contact me regarding Isaac, or the last details of the divorce. It will probably work best if we can find an amicable time to meet regularly for skype if you still wish to do so. Trying to put it randomly in my schedule can be difficult and frustrating, so I would prefer that we stick to a certain day of the week and time to make it easier.
I understand now that you are in a relationship with Bingyi, Isaac may have interaction with her. I request that you protect his heart as much as possible, as he gets attached to people easily. I don’t know if he has met her yet or not, but I do hope that you will consider him above any feelings you have for her.

This is the email I will probably send. I’ll let it sit overnight to rest and ensure I have included everything I should say. What I want to say… it’s slightly different. I was actually thinking just this morning how I didn’t feel like David and my “friendship” was authentic, that I felt we needed a period of absence from each other’s life to be able to heal and move on, and then if friendship ensues, let it be so. To have any sort of relationship right now feels wrong in so many ways. I am investing my heart in a new man, a new relationship, and to have him put his nose in that…to have him act as if he has any right to know is crazy to me. Yet my heart always seeks and hopes for love and friendship. It always hopes that something was there. That I wasn’t just used. That maybe we did have some sort of connection in some way. That maybe he is changing and learning how to interact and be social. That maybe he did regret his actions. But I was wrong. Very wrong. Again and again I am wrong. Just like Lora. Yet it never seems to sink in. I always think something will change. I can’t seem to get my heart to ever let go of those I love. It’s my biggest weakness. And he knows it and uses it to his advantage. The only way I have ever been able to overcome this is space and time. I guess maybe Sam had the right idea. Walk away. Leave and don’t even try to be friends. While that was a difficult relationship to get over and took me years to accept…it is the only one that I feel today I have successfully overcome. Maybe this time it’s my turn to walk away. I’m just not sure how to never look back.
I guess it comes with the help of God, the wisdom and love of those around me, and time.
I praise God for those three.

waiting

I think my entry titles are probably repetitive. I have been in a period of waiting many times in my life. This is no exception. I hope that this one will be coming to an end in some ways sooner than later.

I’m most importantly waiting for a job. Not just any job- hopefully a good job. One I will find joy in and not be exhausted by. one that fits me and I fit it. One where I can use my skills to nurture and care without being run over and emotionally killed. I got an email regarding setting up an interview. This is a great sign, since I have been waiting 4 months now for this to happen. Now I just hope that it will go well and will end with me getting the job and loving it.

After 7 years of waiting for David- putting my everything into him to help him get his phd he is finally done. I never dreamed it would have this ending. I never dreamed we would be divorced just months before his finish. I feel like I put nearly as much of myself into that as he did, yet sadly I don’t get him in the end. I did get an acknowledgment in his dissertation, and a sincere “thank you, I couldn’t have done it without you”. It kills me though. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

On a more positive note. I have a man in my life who is stable. He has his priorities in order. He is able to be honest, to talk about his thoughts and feelings. He is mature, yet youthful and fun. He doesn’t take life too seriously, yet at the same time he strives to be closer to God and understand himself and those he loves. He loves me in a way I do not deserve. He is stunningly handsome. He gives to me in every way possible, and without expecting anything back. He loves what I give him in return. He sees me as beautiful even when all I can see is the ugly. He is my hero in a modern world- he opens doors for me, holds me in the night, fixes things at home that I cannot do myself, he pays for my meals and anything else I could possibly want. He is generous in his love. He is good to my son, and never acts like he is a burden. He is my future, and I gladly and eagerly wait for him.

God is good, through the good and the bad. He blesses me in ways I do not deserve and never leaves me. He guides and protects me even when I am too prideful to ask for it. I am so thankful for his love.